Kids, Instruction Manual NOT included...

I would just like to ask how in the heck one is supposed to know how to raise a kid. If the world was fair and just, I would have delivered a baby, then the user's manual, then the placenta. BUUT no. God has a sense of humor apparently and I'm sure he laughs up there as he watches Mace and I scramble around trying to raise a child.

Experts have a lot to say about a lot of different things.. don't spank, don't do time out, don't say "no" too much, don't give them fast food, don't blah blah blah. Friends, family members, and random people I have no idea who they are, have their opinions on raising kids too. I'm just worried that by the time we get this whole raising kids thing down, ours are going to be so screwed up that there's no turning back! They will be obese because we feed them fast food and fruit juice instead of vegetables and filtered water; they will be entitled and have no respect for boundaries because I didn't make them take a bath before bed because I just couldn't handle the screaming; they will not know how to be considerate and loving because I didn't make them share their special toy with a friend at our house....

Juice, not water... My soon to be obese child.

Eamonn Keeping himself entertained at the grocery store... I'm sure everyone was thinking, "what kind of mom just lets her kid run around the store with a grocery cart like that!?" lol

What are you supposed to do when your one year old tells you "no" all the time?! I mean, he's just a kid and I figure he's just looking for a reaction, but then others say that is not acceptable and they need to know that you are the one in charge. Great. I'm going to raise a kid that has no respect for authority.

Ex: I have pulled that boy away from the garbage can thousands of times! I am sick of finding sippy cups and random household objects in there but I swear I have tried everything but beating his little bum to keep him away! "No" does not work, it only encourages him. Time outs are not showing great results, and just picking him up and moving him does not stop him from dumping his shoes into there! As I said. I am screwing my kid up. What about when he chucks his food across the house when he is done eating? Do I say, "NO NO!"? (This seriously only makes him do it more... he get's this look of sheer evil in his eyes that says, "oh yah old woman?! watch this.."  Do I say, "ok, all done with lunch!" and take his tray? (This seems to work best, but then I get comments from other people about how my kid is going to be spoiled rotten and will probably end up going to prison for assassinating the president of the United States or something horrendous like that..) Do i never feed the little terror again!? I just don't know.

Eamonn running around naked and destroying our DVD cabinet....

I know I am not going to spank, that's just not my thing, so I guess we're making progress right? Atleast I know what we are not going to do...

What about when he gets older and starts getting smarter and dare I say it? even naughtier!?

What about when the world is teaching him one thing about sex and Mace and I will need to teach what is the truth about it? Will I teach him the right way!? Will he respect women and see them as daughters of God rather than objects of lust? What will I need to do or say when he wants to date a girl? What about kissing girls?

Kids are just so difficult. What the heck were we thinking when we decided to bring another one into this world? I just feel bad for them more than I do for me because they are the ones who are going to have to deal with the repercussions of crazy, clueless parents.

Naked yet again (mom of the year award right here..) and playing on the laptop which we are CONSTANTLY trying to keep him away from... lol

Caught in the act of getting into Mommy's camera!

Hopefully they'll see that we tried our best. Hopefully Heavenly father won't allow us to screw them up too much. I know that we need to turn to the Lord for guidance in all things but sometimes I wonder if he cares about such trivial matters as discipline of a one year old? As I write I hear a whisper that yes, indeed he does. He will teach me how to teach each child the way that He knows they will do best. They are actually His children and they are just on loan to me.

That's pretty trusting of Heavenly Father if you ask me. He's letting these adorable little spirits come into our care so we can learn to love and be more like Him. That's a lot of trust and responsibility.

I guess it's just tough. Seeing the way your friends raise their kids, reading different books and magazines, hearing how your parents did it when you were a kid; one just never knows what is the right way. Is there even a right way?

As I write I am realizing that more than anything, I need not judge others and the way they have chosen to raise their kids. Who am I to say that their kids are too whiny or that they don't discipline enough, or they discipline too much? I'm pretty sure we are all in the same boat here. We all are kind of stumbling through the unknown territories of parenthood and all deserve some credit for actually attempting the seemingly impossible.

Promoting childhood obesity at Halloween. Eamonn LOVES candy. Can't blame him, so do I!

I used to see kids with muddy, grimy faces and boogery noses and think, "where is their mother? obviously she is extremely negligent and uncaring." or I would hear a kid crying in walmart and think, "would you do us ALL a favor and take that demon child of yours home?"
Now I know what it is like. I have been slapped in the face with the "reality of parenthood" stick and all I can say is, ouch. lol

I have been the mom who has been so tired from working, from cleaning, from juggling life, that giving my kid a bath hasn't been on top of the priority list for 3 days... I now can say that I have been the mom who doesn't even bother at times cleaning that nasty, crusty booger nose because I have done it fourty thousand times already today and my poor baby's nose is raw and bleeding from the constant tissue attacks from mommy caring too much about what other people are thinking. I have been the mom who just has to run into Walmart to grab a few last minute things for dinner, who's baby screams the ENTIRE time, up and down the aisles and throughout the 20 minute wait at the check out stand.

Getting into Birthday cupcakes just a little too early... 

All we could do was laugh and let him enjoy himself.

From now on, when I see a kid yelling "No!" to his mommy, or a mommy getting so upset at her kids in the middle of the grocery store that she just yells at them in frustration, instead of thinking, "oh my gosh. seriously? what kind of parent are they?" I am going to think... "poor woman. she deserves a bubble bath and a bag of snickers for her troubles."

White Trash parent who takes her kids places with just a diaper. Classy.

Here's a deal for all those who are reading this. I won't judge you if you don't judge me. ;) and if you are reading this and don't have kids of your own, give your own mother a hug and thank her for doing her best in raising you. I know I will and do every chance I can.

Again, eating sugar, with no clothes on. Will my child think that clothes are not necessary? My grandma always said that our kids were going to go on their first dates and take of their clothes because that's how they'd always done it... haha

Moral of the story, Kids are freaking hard to raise, don't judge the other moms out there who are trying their best, and The Lord will make sure you don't screw your kids up TOO much.

Letting Eamonn make a mess all over the place with a cookie, right before going into the grocery store, Again, Classy mom right here.

There are angels among us.

This last week has really thrown us for a loop. I went to my regular O.B. appointment when Dr. young pointed out that I looked like I was running small for being 32 weeks along. We scheduled an ultrasound for the next day and lo and behold, our little baby Jack was running around 2 weeks behind schedule in size. We were sent to  Maternal Fetal Medicine to have them do further investigation. After a long ultrasound, evaluating every aspect of the baby known to mankind (Distance between eyes, blood flow in the umbilical cord, etc.) they concluded that the baby's head and belly were indeed measuring small AND the amniotic fluids were really low. This indicates that the baby must not be getting nutrients he needs in order to continue growing and that the placenta is failing due to some unknown reason. They would start to do NST's (non stress tests) twice a week, and dopplers and ultrasounds once a week. The NST's measure the baby's heart rate, oxygen levels, fetal movements and contractions, the doppler measures the blood flow from the umbilical cord to the baby, and the ultrasound to measure fluid levels. They put me on strict bedrest to try and raise fluid levels but If there are any signs whatsoever of distress etc. on the baby during all of this, they will deliver him. They gave me 2 rounds of steroid shots just in case early delivery is necessary so that his little lungs will be developed and ready for the outside world.

This all came to a complete shock for me. I mean, I didn't show very much with Eamonn because I carried him mostly in my back and I had just figured that this must be kind of the same thing. I didn't know that it would be such a big deal. At first I was kind of excited to think I would deliver early but then it started to sink in just how dangerous that could be...

I held it all mostly inside, not letting even Mason know my true feelings on everything. To be honest, I didn't even let myself know my true feelings on everything. I didn't want to admit deep down that I could potentially lose this little life that I have created, grown, and carried for the last eight months. He is my son, my child, literally a part of me and I would be absolutely devastated if anything were ever to happen to him. I wouldn't even admit to my Father in Heaven my true feelings. I just caged them in, deep deep down in my heart because down there, they were safe. There was no chance of pain or disappointment because they were already protected and not even made known. Down there, I was not vulnerable. Down there I was strong.

I knew however, that although I was strong and safe down there, I wasn't happy. It wasn't the peaceful and free strong and safe. With my feelings and emotions buried deep, there was fear and doubt. No light or hope could reach me and due to past trials I knew that although it would hurt to tear down these stubborn walls of pride and fear, and put myself out in the open for my husband, myself, and my Heavenly Father to see, that I would be genuinely happier. I would indeed be vulnerable yet that is exactly what is needed in order to find peace. Humility equals peace and pride equals fear.

All that I could muster was to kneel down to my Father in Heaven in prayer begging to help me to have peace concerning His will. To help me find peace in knowing that I am his daughter and He loves me, and that Jack is His son and He knows what is best for him also.

We called over our home teacher to give us Priesthood Blessings, and although the natural man in me wanted to know the outcome, the spiritually refined man in me desired to have peace in The Lord's will, come what may. If the Lord sees fit that this little spirit receive his body for only a short period of time than so be it, if not, and He sees fit that baby Jack stays with our family temporally than so be that too. I just wanted peace. I wanted the fear, worry and doubts of the unknown future to be given to My Savior. It was a burden I no longer wanted to carry.

The blessing was extremely comforting and one thing that I feel impressed to share stood out to me:

- Just as the people of Limhi, the Lord did not take away their burdens, but He did make them light.

Mosiah 24:14

14: And I will also ease the burdens which are put opon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upono your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand a witnessess for me hereafter, and that you may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15: And now itcame to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his bretheren were made light' year, the Lord did strenghten them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

- Do not feel as a burden to those around you, your trails are there for your benefit AND others. They are there to edify and purify you, but also those who choose to serve you. Listen to their advice and council, and you will be strengthened in their testimonies and they in yours.


Having been put on strict bedrest has really made me needy to the help of others. I can't clean, I can't cook, and worst of all, I can't care for my baby Eamonn. That honestly has been the ULTIMATE disappointment for me and the greatest trial so far. I want to be the one who is there for him when he wakes up from his naps, who plays with him and feeds him, who does all of those things that I had taken for granted before. I feel so hurt knowing that he may wonder why his mom isn't with him, and who all of these strange people are... It kills me knowing that he could be scared or afraid or even disappointed in me, all for something beyond my control.

Wednesday night I woke up with severe cramps in my stomach and really bad diarrhea, so I went to Labor and delivery the next morning just to be safe. . They ended up admitting me to the hospital and keeping me there over night due to extreme dehydration. Yet another speed bump. All that I could think of the entire time was, how much is this going to cost us? I just want to be at home with my husband and my baby Eamonn who I haven't seen hardly at all this week....


It was extremely difficult for me to make a schedule for OTHER people to come and care for me and my family. It really is a humbling experience. It just sucks knowing that I can't do it on my own, and if it wasn't for my baby Jack, I probably wouldn't do it. I have people cleaning my house, making me dinner, and taking Eamonn for me all day long. To be honest though, I have learned and come to a point where I no longer feel embarrassed, I just feel gratitude. Eternal gratitude that words cannot express.

On Monday, my neighbor took Eamonn for me in the morning, Amanda (White) came over and helped me clean my house and watched all three of our kids, and my mom brought over dinner for Mason and I. Tuesday, Kaylee again took Eamonn in the morning, Alyssa Bertele randomly showed up on my front porch with cleaning supplies and cooking supplies for dinner, my dad showed up and took Eamonn for me, Kelly Kennard showed up with dinner, and Brandon Doyle showed up with extra dinner that Rachel had made for us. Wednesday morning Kaylee AGAIN took Eamonn for me and Dani came over to watch Eamonn and keep me company, Thursday morning Kaylee AGAIN took Eamonn for me and Loni Daniels came over and got Eamonn, Friday, of course Kaylee again took Eamonn, (And helped me break into my house after getting locked out again), Malia Siufunuah took Eamonn all night, and sweet, kind, amazing sister madsen cleaned my house, made me dinner, shoveled our walks and even trimmed our hedges. 

I truly feel as if my burdens have been made lighter and not even as painful or difficult as they could or should be, due to the love of my Heavenly Father, working through angels in my life. People I don't even know that well have pitched in to help us in our time of need. I feel humbled, I feel grateful, I feel blessed. Dare I say that I am grateful for this trial? Yes. One thousand percent yes. I have seen the Lord's hand so plainly in the last week and I want to witness to all who are reading that the Lord DOES care and that he does work through angels here on earth.

Although I have no idea what the outcome will be, I have faith that the Lord does. I do have moments of fear when I let my mind wander into the possible outcomes, but I am doing the best I can to know that the Lord is watching out for our family. I am grateful for the Angels that he has sent to me in my life. I only hope that I one day too can be as amazing as any one of the many people who have taken their time out of their day to help bear our burdens.

I really think that Alabama knows what they are talking about when they sing the song "Angels among us"... I just thought I'd post a video that I found on youtube for that song.. It's really, really cheesy, but the song is absolutely perfect.

To dance or not to dance. Pole dancing that is...

Sooo, This is probably going to be considered a "risque" topic to some, but I just got home from a pole dancing class with some of my girlfriends and it has really been on my mind. The stigma of it all.... Just to kinda let everyone know what we did, here is what happened:

- We got to a little studio that had a bunch of poles/ariel loop things/ribbon things. We used the poles because we are not hard core enough for the ariel loops and ribbons. Maybe one day after I've changed my name to ginger and live in Vegas I'll look into those other things.. ;)
- We all stripped down into tank tops and little booty shorts/spandex/dance pants/etc. (Pretty much what you where to the gym.)
- We learned a few basic moves...

- Laughed our heads off as we all tried to do them... It was kinda scary at first, but because we were all willing to just go for it and have fun, we did! Even I did surprisingly well, weighing 25 more pounds than before and with a baby in tow...
- It REALLY was a work out. It amazes me just how much pole dancing is actually pretty artful! (Watch the video I posted too!) It worked A LOT of muscles I didn't even know I had, and I'm pretty sure I'll be feeling it tomorrow.
- After, we learned a lap dance/tease. We had SO much fun. I guess that's something that is also a stigma. Sometimes women (especially LDS women) feel that this is not appropriate. I feel however that it is! It is fun, my husband and I both have talked it over and feel completely comfortable with the idea of it, and he is especially excited for me to get home and show him just what I've learned! lol
FYI in the studio, no men are allowed even to watch. It is all women, and we just did a private party. We all pitched in 10$ and had fun. We even snapped a few pictures of us trying to be sexy. I might have to ask permission before posting those first.. lol

I do believe "To each her own" when it comes to sex and intimacy. If someone is not comfortable with pole dancing, lap dancing, etc. they don't have to! But keep an open mind to those who find it fun as they should to you also! The LDS church stays out of the bedroom because it is the discretion of husband and wife together to choose what they do behind closed doors.

I used to really struggle with even speaking about sex without feeling guilty or dirty. The truth is, (and I am still learning this..) that it really, truly is a beautiful sacred thing! It's actually a fun thing too! It's enjoyable! It's romantic! It's a bonding experience between husband and wife! It's really awesome!

This class has been such a fun experience, and to be honest, I believe the Lord has placed the friends he has in my path for a great purpose. I am learning so much and having so much fun! It was so nice to look at myself in the huge old mirrors and still feel completely confident and sexy about my pregnant, curvy, stretched out, body! This class really helped boost that a lot. So does having good friends who love you the way you are, and especially a supportive husband who thinks that you are the hottest thing to have ever walked the planet. ;) I wish we as women could all feel confident in ourselves, love ourselves the way we are, feel beautiful, sexy and feminine in our own skin, and most importantly, know who we are as daughters of God. Know that we have a purpose, that we are important, that we play a crucial role in the plan of God and in the lives of those who we become accquainted with on a daily basis.


I kinda want to leave with a quote by President monson, and a link to the talk he gave in the General Relief Society Broadcast this last October:

This all kind of connects in a be confident in who you are kind of thing.. I don't know, I guess it is almost 4 am and I am trying to write this, so if it is scattered... don't judge. ;) 

Here is the quote from President Monson that really and truly helped me and still helps me to love myself the way I am...Even As Chubby and stretched as I am! I really hope that all those who read it can get something out of this, (whether it be pole dancing is fun or to feel good about the skin you are in..) and know how beautiful you really are... Here is the quote:

"Appearances can be so deceiving, such a poor measure of a person. Admonished the Savior, “Judge not according to the appearance.”⁴     UAdd a Note 

A member of a women’s organization once complained when a certain woman was selected to represent the organization. She had never met the woman, but she had seen a photograph of her and didn’t like what she saw, considering her to be overweight. She commented, “Of the thousands of women in this organization, surely a better representative could have been chosen.”     UAdd a Note 

True, the woman who was chosen was not “model slim.” But those who knew her and knew her qualities saw in her far more than was reflected in the photograph. The photograph did show that she had a friendly smile and a look of confidence. What the photograph didn’t show was that she was a loyal and compassionate friend, a woman of intelligence who loved the Lord and who loved and served His children. It didn’t show that she volunteered in the community and was a considerate and concerned neighbor. In short, the photograph did not reflect who she really was.     UAdd a Note 

I ask: if attitudes, deeds, and spiritual inclinations were reflected in physical features, would the countenance of the woman who complained be as lovely as that of the woman she criticized?

"http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/charity-never-faileth?lang=eng

Anyways, I need to go to bed. I am going to be a GROUCH in the morning. Good night all! P.S. here is a link to the pole dancing place we went to. If you are interested message me or something! We all wanted to go again! P.S. WATCH THE VIDEO I POSTED BELOW!! IT"S SOOO AWESOME!

http://www.dancesaltlake.com/

Pole Dancing.... Not always what you think it's going to be....

Xbox is of the devil, and I need a hobby.

So pretty much I'm typing into the standard "notepad" application that every computer comes with, but no one uses. We are too cheap to Microsoft word,
and I am too bugged to sit and figure out why the heck the stupid internet isn't working. Mason just left for school in the car, (our only car at the time)
 With my regular laptop. If anything gets left in there during the day, say farewell cause you won't be seeing it. I am so bugged right now. If you are starting to see a pattern on my blog it's because I only write when I am a basket case, or mad. And I am the mad part of that right now.
I am going to rant on X-boxes.

Why were those EVER created? I would like to know, what is SO enticing about mindlessly shooting someone, or pretending to be an NFL athlete and make plays for 4 hours straight? I mean REALLY?! I don't know how someone could feel fine about sitting and wasting their time and their brain cells on those loads of crap.

Mason wants to go to a "guys night" on Friday night. He pretty much wants to go play x-box until 7 am in the morning, pretending that there is no care in the world.What will I be doing? Probably the same things I do every normal weekday, taking care of Eamonn and lounging around the house waiting for Mason to come home.
 
I think I am the kind of Naggy wife who won't let her husband play xbox. I am one of THOSE wives. I bet Mace never thought I'd be when we were dating..
Oh well, he tricked me into a lot of things too, so I guess we're even.
But seriously.
Mace says that it is MY fault that I won't have anything to do because I don't have any hobbies. I tried to make an excuse for everything, blaming him for
being a mindless drone (which he is) but when I got to thinking about it, it IS true. I have no hobbies, no life. My life revolves around 2 things... work, and family. Mason asks why I don't like sewing, or scrapbooking. I'll tell you.. it's effing boring.
I'm not talented in that kind of crap. Everyone else may be, but I'm not. Ugh. So really, I need a hobby. I play the piano, and teach piano lessons,
but when Friday night rolls around and Mason wants to go to "Guys night"
I'm definitely not going to be playing piano for twelve hours. I teach piano lessons, and that is ok... but like I said, I'm not going to go do that until 7 am. It's fun, but it's not mindless fun.
Ugh. I am just pissed. I'm pissed too because I make $40 a month off piano lessons and guess where that goes? Bills. Yup. Bills. I would like to have my own money and tell Mason he can figure out where to get the stupid money for his precious, mindless phone and internet plan. See!? Another thing that he loves! What the hell!?


I guess it just bugs too that all of my friends have talent. Amanda has started a blog and is selling all of her sewing stuff on there, Chels just got her BACHELORES and is amazing at decorating even the simplest and homliest of places. My single friends are single, so they are hitting on guys and trying to get married. (Don't do it, it's boring. Unless you have talent, then I hear it's pretty cool...)
It's just like really? You bug that you are so ambitious and out there doing junk! Madi for hells sake just ran 60 mile marathon for breast cancer. I wish I was that cool! But what?! What can I do?! I feel almost.. what's the word? unworthy? no.. um, insecure. There we go, insecure. I feel like everything that could be cool I'm just not good at, someone is better, and honestly, after 12 minutes just gets boring.

I would like to cook, I do like to cook, let me rephrase, bake. Not cook, bake. I like to make sugary snacks, not the other junk. The other junk is a chore. But why is it that women like lame stuff like COOKING, SEWING, SCRAPBOOKING, etc? Psh. Lame. I wish I liked Xbox. I wish I could mindlessly drown my sorrows in make believe fantacies..

 Like I said. Jealousy that Mason has that. I guess I could watch the hills for 8 hours straight? ha.
Maybe I will try alcohol. I would be able to get a way mentally and with a spritz of lime, I hear it aint to bad on the taste buds.. haha (totally kdding. I would probably do marijuana anyways.) ;)

I am however grateful to have a job. I really really really REALLY enjoy being able to work. That to me is such a blessing and I feel so challenged mentally. I did do school for a little while, but it just isn't in the cards for me.Maybe taking lessons of some sort?
But what?
And what can we afford?
I do see a therapist.. does that count?
Maybe sewing lessons at Joann's or something?
I'm jealous cause amanda has a gold's gym pass and goes and does raquetball and stuff over there..
Too bad poor people are lame.
Maybe I could play with some sticks. those are free. (pity me please. lol)
Good news though, Amanda AND madi are moving to Provo, so things might be easier to do together.
I need response to this post. I need Ideas, I need motivation.

Ex. One time, I saw cake pops, came up with the amazing idea of making them and selling them. Then I tried to make them. THey turned out all right, but were a pain to make. Then I decided, that was dumb.

Maybe I just lack ambition. Everything in life isn't fun right? But isn't that what a hobby is? fun?

I just looked back at Eamonn who was chattering away to himself, only to see that he has ripped off the arm of my snowman decoration and is doing who knows what with it. Ah well. I guess that's why I bought a plush snowman for 90% off, and that is also why there are hot glue guns.

Anyways. Please comment, give me some ideas and don't judge me!

Things I like to do:
- bargain shop
- bake
- be social
- eventually I would like to exercise.. lol that's pushing it though... I think with friends it might be easier...
- eating (completely contradictory to my previous brain storm idea)
- reading maybe?
- who the heck knows.
- sing (mediochre-lly)

love,
Laur

Life Desicions

I woke up with a calmer mind this morning. Phewf.
 I went to the Dr. Yesterday to see about altering my meds. Dr. Griffin thinks that Depakote will be good. It will help calm the mania that is constantly racing through my brain. The bad news is that it could hurt the baby. We are praying about it today.
These are the things I have to tell myself and eventually come to know for myself:

• The Lord's will, will not be frustrated!
• He has the Power to do anything. Even protect my baby from high odds of liver and spinal defects.

I guess I just don't want to accept the Lord's will. I am afraid of it. What if he wants this baby to go through life with physical ailments? I wouldn't want to see that. Not if I have anything to do with it. I just don't want to have the potential for more trials. I don't want to be held responsible for defecting this little life that I am responsible fore. I don't want to hurt him. (As sad as I was that he is a boy, I love hiim and want him to be happy and healthy.) I wouldn't want to think that because I was weak, I have caused an innocent spirit to suffer for a lifetime.

Maybe I'm cutting off my nose despite my face.

My natural impulse is to suffer anything to protect my child. Even if it means mental anguish. But the truth is, I do have the tendency to believe that I can and should be able to carry too large of burdens or do more than is required. Most of the times to the point that I am suffereing unnessarily and all I have to do is cast my burdens of the Lord.

I'm Just scared.

I also really don't know what is the right thing to do.
I guess the first step is to open my mind and heart to either possibility:

• Take the meds
• Don't take the Meds.

Be open to the Lord's will either way. My faith is shaken though. I was so sure that this baby was a girl. I had received such strong impressions in the temple, I had leterally seen her face as I looked into Eamonn's. I was so sure in my faith and in my ability to receive personal revalation.

What if I mess up? What if I ruin this baby and it is all my fault?

Somtimes I wish I could have normal pregnancies.
Somedays I wish I'd never hav to go through this, that I could just stop existing.
Somedays, (like yesterday) the mental anquish as almost too much to bear.

I am angry with God. I hate that he has made me go through this. I hate him and feel completely abandoned.
Yet, I remember, in a tiny crevice of my sould, buried beneath all of my sorrow and pain, what it must be like to be Heavenly Father.

I bet it's like when I take Eamonn to the doctor to get his shots. He does not understand that the pain is but a brief moment. To him? NO. he is only a year old! Time is a concept beyond his grasp. All he feels is the pain of the here and now. He doesnt' understand that these shots are preparing him for the future; making him stronger in order to face any sickness that may cross his path. Sickness that would bring more pain and suffering than this brief in time.
He also does not see me, his mom, trying to suppress tears. I know that he is in pain and it breaks me to see him cry. To not understand why I would ever take him to this unknown place, only to feel pain. Not knowing why I would ever let him suffer.

The truth is, I do it becasue I love him. Because I have so much more experience than him If I were to let him do exactly what he wanted, he would be playing with power outlest and splashing in the toilet all day long. The thing I love about Eamonn, is that he trust me. I am his mommy. He knows that I will always be there for him. 
I am an imperfect parent. My father in Heaven is not.

I will sumit myself to his will, he knows what is best for me.

I feel so much peace right now. I still don't know what  is the right thing to do , but I have faith and I have hope that the Lord knows what is best. He knows me. He knows how I work and think. He is not going to let me make a wrong decision because I have faith in Him. No parent would do that, and especially not my perfect, all knowing Heavenly Father.

I LOVE being a mom.

Scary thing I did today and will NEVER do again.

I stuck him in the bath while I was checking my emails for work. Forgot that the water was running, RAN into the bathroom. The water was pretty high. ALOT higher than I EVER put in.. and it hit me that I could have:
    A. completely forgot about the water and let it overflow. He wouldn’t be able to scream or cry to tell me that he was drowning. It really hit me hard.
    B. He could have slipped under for just a few seconds, letting water fill his precious little lungs and again, I wouldn’t have heard him.
I thank my Heavenly Father for watching my baby, especially while I was being so negligent. I pray that I will use my brain a little bit more, not be so selfish, and really truly think about the respobsiblity that I have as a mom to nurture and protect  the little life that God has placed in my care.

He is such an angel and I really don’t think I understand how much he means to me at times. I read this blog the other day, and it hit me how much I take for granted. I am so blessed and I really want to cherish every second I have with Eamonn. Especially because he is not going to be so small and innocent for long.

Every stage he is in automatically becomes my favorite. Every naughty thing he does makes me giggle and especially makes me happy to be a mommy. The Lord has truly blessed me with the opportunity and responsibility to be a mom. It is the best decision i have ever made. I am excited to once again hold my newest little spirit in my arms. I know that she has been following me and lifting me up while in Heaven and it is now my turn to do the same for her.

I need to get back to work, but I couldn’t just let these overwhelming feelings pass me by. I really wanted to document them and write them down.

I love being a mom. I can’t get over how much I love Eamonn. I really think that I was made to be a mom. I love every little bit of it. I think I am still in the honeymoon stage with him though. ;) he still doesn’t throw that many fits, and when he does, they are minor and quite humorous. He can’t back talk. All he does is explore, explore, explore. He also chats to himself while doing so. I probably smile atleast twenty times a day due to his cuteness. I just can’t get over it.

Doggy problems. asjldkfjsaldkfjlsdkjf

So, my neighbors have a dog, rambo, that is constantly barking. He really has gotten better now that we've talked tto them a thousand times, and it's really awkward at times walking outside and seeing them glare us down, and at first, it really bothered me! I felt so bad for causing problems with our neighbors! I wanted to have a good relationship with them seeing as though we have a 30 yr. mortgage and so do they... lol.

At the begining when we first moved in, I didn't say anything becuase I didn't want to offend them. Then after a year and a baby later, things started changing... I now not only had to deal with a dog barking constantly, but he was waking Eamonn up from naps. I would literally sit in my room and sob becuase I didn't know what to do. I know that Christ is a peacemaker and loving person. He soothes contention and it does not flourish in His presence, but when is too much too much? After you go to school at six a.m. in the morning, work all day and finally have a few minutes to lay down and take a nap only to have the neighbors dog bark at every car that passes, waking your baby up and not allowing you to nap? Stressing out all day and FINALLY having a moment of peace with a baby down for a nap, only to have the neighbors sit and chat in their car on the phone while their dog barks at them for 45  minutes straight?

It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I went over and asked them to keep their dog quiet, and all they said? he's a dog, he's going to bark. I went home and bawled. This was literally becoming a mental burden on me. Finally one day.. I snapped. I called animal control. They ended up leaving a notice on the neighbors' door saying that someone had called animal control. A few hours later, a fuming neighbor is standing on my porch yelling at me for being impatient and inconsiderate. At times, I would yell right back at her, and then other moments i would try to understand her and see where she might be coming from. Ugh. I hate trying to deal with other people. I just tell myself that one day, I will be a God, and I will have infinite amounts of children. Odds are, one of them is going to be like my neighbor so I'd better learn to love and accept this person now. Also, I kept on trying to tell myself, who am I to judge another? We worked it out that she would feed the dog one time in the morning to reduce the barking. It worked for a day or two. Then it's almost as if they forgot that we had even had worked out a "solution"

Ugh. Blogs are extremely therapeutic. I am feeling a little more calm about this... Anyways, after time and time again of trying to be understanding, I got to the point where I realized. Why in the heck am I working so hard to be understanding and not offending? They could care less about being courteous.

I am just so frustrated right now.

What a pain.

I'm already going through so much.. why me? Why do I have to deal with such rude people!? I am being completely walked on in this situation. Atleast that is how I am feeling. Most people would probably look at this and think that causing problems with a neighbor and ward member is not worth it, and at times I start to wonder myself. Is this worth it?

Last night at eleven thirty Rambo sat and barked while the neighbors came home from whatever they were doing.

Six a.m. this morning, rambo barked at who knows what waking me up from a very brief, pregnancy sleep, and I couldn't fall back to sleep until about five minutes from when I needed to wake up and trudge out the door to school.

Every morning around seven thirty when our neighbors leave for work, Rambo barks the entire time they feed him, she gets into her car, and drives away. Rambo then gets rowled up and barks at every school kid who passes to get to school. All the while I am sitting in my bed contemplating murder or suicide. 

Eleven thirty to noon today, Rambo sat and barked at the neighbor's teenage son who sat in his car talking on the phone. THIRTY MINUTES OF BARKING. He didn't even have the decency to tell rambo to be quiet, or take him in the house!!! I snapped. I lost it. I went outside with my camera phone and recorded Rambo barking. When the kid saw what I was doing he pulled out of the driveway and asked me. I told him I was recording his DAMN dog barking so that when I took him to court, I would have proof. I know. Really and truly not some of my best moments. I even said damn. How innapropriate of me. But really? REALLY?

I didn't even mention that mason and I saved up fifty bucks to buy a birdhouse thing that lets out a high pitched noise everytime the dog barks which SHOULD deter him from barking. It worked the first two weeks and I was in heaven. It was amazing. Then, he became immune and it didn't work anymore.

I again, can't even tell you how annoyed and angry I am. I won't include some of the rantings that she gave me the few times she came over to my house to get mad at me for calling animal control on her dog. I just want to get my feelings out, not turn people against our neighbors. Although I sometimes feel I hate their living guts, and it pisses me off how inconsiderate they are, I do know that they are people. They are not perfect. They too have their own struggles. It's just hard trying to deal with people. It's hard finding the balance between peacemaker and floormat. Where is the balance? Am I too sensitive? Is what they are saying really true? Am I really just out to cause problems? I just don't know anymore.

I ended up calling animal control again today. Officer Swenson pretty much knows me by name and I he. He wasn't very happy to hear me calling. He kind of was upset with me for calling (or so I felt) but what am i to do? Talking to them doesn't work, reasoning, bribery with cookies, brownies, etc. doesn't work... jaslkjdfslkajdflkaj  I really need some advice from all ten readers.. lol. What DO I DO? He said that he was coming over today to work this out and that he is going to just take their dog away and we can battle it out in court.

That just doesn't seem right to me. It just doesn't seem Christian or Christlike. Why does the barking drive me insane so much? Disclamer: the dog is MAYBE six feet away from our bedroom, Eamonn's bedroom, and living room windows. At nights, in order to keep it cool in the house and to keep the swamp cooler running, we have to keep the windows open. That helps nothing at all.

I need some advice. I need some experienced wisdom, I need some understanding I need some patience.

Motherhood:-An-Eternal-Partnership

I cry everytime I watch this. I love being a mom and am grateful to know that the angels in heaven are supporting me and helping me through.
Motherhood:-An-Eternal-Partnership

Why am I always the responsible one?

Ugh. What I wouldn't give to be careless and clueless!

I am sick of constantly trying to manage our lives and keep them somewhat organized.

I have married my one true love and my best friend. the only thing is, we are like two different puzzle pieces. Completely opposite and different yet perfectly matched.

I am the responsible, think ahead, let's not spend all of our money on junk that would be cool to have right away. I am the delayed gratification and Mason is the instant gratification.

I am glad to have him when I am running a thousand miles a second and he helps me to see the beauty around me. I am glad to have him when he is patient with MY flaws. The feelings are not reciprocated the other way around however.

Logically, I know that I would've murdered Mason in his sleep long ago if we were just alike... if he was the know it all that always has to be right, the bossy cow, the mover and the shaker, the let's set goals and achieve them kind of guy. Yet I am also contemplating murder with my complete opposite as we speak.

Life is great when I am the one who needs him. When I am the one who needs patience and tolerance. Again, not the other way around! He is the patient one and I loathe him for it. I hate that I can be the biggest brat, telling him to never speak to me again because... who knows, a fly landed on my shoe and I didn't like it... yet, he laughs or smiles and walks away. Really!? REAlly!? No one should have that much patience. NO ONE. well, except for Jesus of course, but Mason is so far from Jesus, so he should not have that much patience.

I always tell mace that he is the patient one, I am the bossy one. When he asks me to have more patience with him I inform him that he is the patient one.

I wish I had more patience, yet I don't because no one like gaining and growing patience. I have no patience for it, so I guess mace can just keep all of his stupid patience.

Back to my original rantings. I hate being the responsible one. If I was to say, hey mace, let's go to las vegas tonight and stay in a hotel for a few days and leave Eamonn with my mom or whoever, he would be down in a heartbeat. Knowing full and well that we are preparing for a baby, trying to pay of our debt, and trying to be fiscally responsible. UGH! He would drop his responsibilities in two seconds flat if he thought that I'd suggest it. The other day, he suggested we go out to dinner (although it was not date night, and although we had bills to pay etc.). I told him, "you know what babe? You decide. Whatever you choose to do, I'll follow. You take the lead on this one. He then got this look on his face of annoyance and was like, "no! cause I want you to be responsible not me!" lol. He was dead serious.

Side note... as I am writing, Eamonn is throwing green beans over the side of his high chair, watching the cause and effects of dropping things off the endless abyss of high chairness. I'm guessing he's done.  It's a good thing the Lord gave me a sense of humor and such a cute little baby.... At times like these, it's always Eamonn and only Eamonn that can put a smile on my face. lol. what a stink.


Ok. so I just got back from helping Mason replace the brake pads on our car. in order to relieve some frustrations, while he was filling up the brake fluid under the hood, I honked to horn loud and clear for him. mwaha. I feel better now. Amazing what a little maliciousness will do to a grumpy attitude. I guess I would rather be me than him. I would never ever ever want to deal with me.

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NEW SUBJECT.... 

Eamonn's birthday party went really well.. I will probably never do a bbq or anything like that ever again though. Too much work, too much money. It's way easier to just say, come over for cupcakes and ice cream.  Way cheaper too! I was so gunghoe about putting on an amazing bday party for my one year old who will neveer remember. lol how dumb. It was really fun though. Thanks to Mason and a lot of life lessons, I have learned that things aren't perfect. I ended up going to the party with no make up, the chicken wasn't cooked until sometime after everyone got there... my house was a mess, and my darling poop head child decided that he didn't want to wait for his birthday cake. He wanted to reach up onto his high chair and pull down five or six cupcakes to eat ahead of time and smash into the carpet. lol He also decided to reach up onto the table to find some of my medication and eat that too. Poison control was called (everything was fine.. he was just a little cranky) and pictures were taken of my little mischief maker's cupcake pre-party. lol

After everything though, I was not emberassed completely that my house looked like sasquach had run through it with a stick of dynamite, because everyone who came were my friends. They know me, they love me, and I am grateful. :) After the party, my personal angels (amanda and courtney) stayed after to help me clean the house. Not just some dishes and vacuuming, they went through the ENTIRE house. From top to bottom, every room, every corner, every everything! I am proud to say that I am sitting in a beautifully clean home right now. I love it. They also stayed up with me until 3 or 4 am doing all of my laundry. We took it all... ALL (almost every piece of fabric in the house.. towels, clothes, you name it) to a 24 hour laundromat. It was so fun. Not only were all of my stresses being washed away one sock at a time, we all bonded. :) We talked and talked and talked and talked.

It's so nice to have friends who I can just be myself with. Ones who I can say um.. I ate 40 lbs. of chile for breakfast, so here are clothespins for everyone.. and still have them love me regardless. lol Ones who I can say, yah, sometimes I relate to the poor crazy lady who drowned her kids, and have them understand and laugh along with me. Ones who I know I can confide in and not have to worry that they are going to call everyone we know with all of my personal, gruesome secrets! Ones who are going through the same things I am. Being a wife, being a mom, being crazy. yattah yattah yattah.

Anyways. Eamonn is in the bathtub right now, although I tease, I really would rather him not drown in the tub. Even though he is a stessful little thing, I would rather have him than not ;)

Peace out world.

Wishing...

I wish I could be optimistic and happy all the time. Ugh. I have really been struggling lately. I have no motivation to do anything, but that also could be because my prozac ran out. The thing is, I definitely have to choose the lesser of two evils... manic or depressive. With Prozac it shoots me up into manic (but it's a really small dose so it's definitely not as bad as it used to be) and without it I feel like doing nothing. A bump on a log.
Prozac Pros:
- Get more done around the house..
blah blha basdljflsdjf sdkfj aslkfdjas;dflkjas dflksjd ;alj a;sldkfj jdskla;lskdjf ;

I kind of hesitate putting this up here. I don't really want everyone looking into my life like this... I want to quit. I think it's good for others to see other peoples struggles but at the same time, I don't want pity. I have to go through what I have to go through. I don't want people treating me any different. Yah, I'm crazy at times, but this to me is normal. This is what I go through on a daily basis. It's what others don't see when they look at me. I don't want others to take a peek into my mind and treat me like someone different. I am me. This is me. I have always been me, before I started this blog and started showing people little pieces into my life, this is what I do and what I've done. I don't know. Like I said, I don't want to be defined by my trials or bipolar.

Ok. I've gotta go. Eamonn has a poopy bum and is trying to bang on the laptop as we speak.

Eamonn is now in the bath and I am in the bathroom with my laptop. f.y.i.

I am so frustrated though. My mind is bouncing around. I hesitate putting this up here. This is my life, and I don't know what I think about letting everyone see it. But then again, I don't want to have to kind of blog that is like.. My life is awesome. I have no trials. I love my husband. our family is perfect. blahbity blah blah.

Eamonn's diaper just exploded everywhere and those damn beady things just spilled out all over the couch. laksdjldskfjlka. Also, I was really sick this morning and Mason had to go to work so I am carless... and Eamonn? He is diaperless. I am going to run next door to Kaylee's to see if she'll let me steal some diapers. I'm grateful to have her. She is really quarky and I love that about her. What you see is what you get. She's my kind of gal.

As I write, my mind is racing. analyzing ever single detail on everysingle everything. What are people going to think of this? Is it rude that I said that Kaylee is quarky? ... lol. Sounds silly when I say it outloud. and I would love to portray myself as an always confident, smart, amazing person. . . . but I'm not. unfortunately. I wish I could be a rolemodel to others, showing them the importance of loving ourselves and loving our trials... but I'm not. I guess it's just an up and down thing. Just like my life. Sometimes I'm on top of the world, sometimes i'm in the pits of hell. On a scale of top of the world and pits of hell.. i would say I am ... probably chillin' in Satan's attick. so not quite in the pits of hell.. still there... satan that damn idiot is there, but I am in his attic. Pros? attics are higher than pits, so that's good.. and also, attics tend to be drafty and cool, which would be a nice thing in hell.

Compared to how I was in CHile, or at postpartum, I am doing well... or am I? I just don't know. I don't know what I know anymore. I feel like I can't say what I am thinking because I really don't want judgements. But that Is kind of what I get if I stick this out there for the world to see. Why am I still writing then? umm... because it feels good to get these things out of here. To vomit my emotions and see things as I see them.. to be able to understand myself better. To maybe let others see that as much as everyone else around them pretends that life is a bed of roses... that that bed of roses still has thorns and thistles down below the blossoms... That on the outside we all may seem so happy and beautiful and perfect and wonderful and all of those stupid adjectives that are so stupidly stupid.

Wow. ok. I am done now. I am going to go write in my journal where I don't have to feel like I'm out there for the world to see.. where I can cuss and say damn shit hell and all of the swear words I want without thinking that there are people in my ward that reads this... and I sit next to them in sacrament, and I teach their kids on Sunday. but you know what? no one's perfect. if you think you are then you are an effing idiot. The most perfect person to have ever walked this earth loves me just how I am. He IS perfect. He didn't have to pretend. AND even as perfect as He was, He was hanging out with us sinners and us sickos. so ha.

lol enough is enough. I really am done now, or so I say. My mind is still racing, but Eamonn's tub water is getting cold... but I just can't stop writing. but i need to. but I don't want to. so don't tell me what to do. oh wait. there is proof that I am a psycho cause I have internal fights with my brain. Go ahead and judge. I'm psycho. But I am loved still. I still have an amazing husband who sees way way WAY more than I show everyone else... and I have a baby who thinks that I hung the moon and stars. and.. I have another baby who I am sacraficing everything for. especially my sanity. She loves me just the way I am. She loves me especially the way I am because I am doing this for her.

I am really going now.

loveyouall.

-crazy brained lauren.

Eamonn's birthday

Eamonn's Birthday is on Saturday. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but I'm trying to tell myself that perfect doesn't matter. I'm trying to think of the cheapest ways to feed people and to entertain, but so many things you would have never thought of go into a party.. like.. chairs? plates? utinsels? cups? drinks? condiments? cake vs. cupcakes, how many people? You invite one person and you have to invite someone else because they'll find out that they weren't invited! But at the same time, we can't afford to feed all fifteen hundred of my facebook friends... sooo uhh.. yah. Ah well.

For Eamonn's birthday Mace and I bought him a swing to put up in the back yard, hanging down from the big tree that drops leaves everywhere. The catch? It's pink. Lol. It was either a blue boyish one for twenty five dollars, or a pink clearance one for seven. Needless to say, if Eamonn grows up with gender identity issues, we'll blame it on our cheap ways and his gay, pink swing.

Eamonn is already going to be one and I just can't believe it! I can at the same time.. Time moved SO slow the first five months or so of his life due to my horrendous postpartum, but since then, it has zoomed. Everyday I am AMAZED at how much he is growing and developing! He is such a curious little boy. As we speak he is eating the curtains and standing up on an old huggies  box. He is always wanting to know what makes this turn? what happens when I drop this? when I bang on this what noise does it make? When I play in the garbage can, eat power cords, bang on the laptop, and play with power outlets I get funny reactions from mommy... He keeps himself really entertained though and it's nice because I can usually get a lot done with him. He just does his own thing, playing with random objects and nick nacks, etc. He is an abnormally good baby and it really makes me nervous. Is there such thing as getting two good babies? Or is the Lord trying to trick me into thinking that all babies are good, (for the most part) obedient, self sufficient babies so I'll have more? Eamonn's personality is A LOT like Mason's. Very laid back, very content, very happy. What if this next baby is like me? I'm not a bad person, but I am stubborn and persistent. My mom said that she is amazed at how well Eamonn obeys for the most part because NONE of us were like that. We all did the opposite of whatever she would try to get us to do. We looked for trouble. gulp. Ah well.. I turned out pretty well and I guess we'll just take each little spirit as they come. ;)

Discovering leaves. What happens when I shake them? What happens if I put them in my mouth? (I usually don't care if Eamonn has sticks or leaves or anything like that in his mouth... my motto: God made the dirt, and dirt don't hurt. lol)

Figuring out what happens when you bang the stroller with a stick...

Funny things that Eamonn does:

- Eamonn is our Parrot. He repeats EVERYTHING EVERYTHING he hears. A car passing, a scream on a movie, a bird tweet, the microwave, a dog barking, a cough or sneeze, a laugh, you name it, he mimics it. It's pretty funny because a lot of times I don't hear or even notice the sounds he does and I have to take a step back and think of what he might be trying to imitate. Mason claims that Eamonn can say "I love you" sometimes, but I've never heard it. lol

- My family has a joke that when I was a baby, I could've made a mess out of and m&m. A tiny m&m would result in chocolate in places they didn't know existed. That is the story of Eamonn's life. It doesn't matter what it is, it results in a mess. I was over at my neighbors helping her out the otherday, and we fed the kids pizza. Her baby boy, Thomas, had some on his hands when he was done. That's it. Eamonn? Hands, ears, hair, feet, stomach, eyes, back, you name it, it had pizza on it. Lol. I guess this is payback.

Pudding.

More pudding.

- For the most part, Eamonn is very content, but he is learning to through tantrums. The funny thing is, is that he is very careful on where he throws them. When he gets mad about me taking something away, wiping his nose, etc. he very carefully looks around to make sure he won't hit anything, and then very strategically and carefully lays back onto the ground.. and THEN he throws his head back, arches his back and flails his appendages. Tantrums usually last a few seconds though, because I just laugh and walk away, or just ignore them. He sees that mom doesn't really care, and he's not getting the desired reaction out of me, so he stops and finds something else to play with.

- Eamonn is also very tough. He is constantly bonking his head or running into things. He might wimper for a second, and then he's done. I like to try and take credit for that because when he does fall or whatever, I just say.. uh oh! Get up! You're ok! I guess we'll see with baby number two though, because for all I know, it might just be his laid back personality. I'm hoping it's parenting style, not the latter.

- Eamonn will usually wake up earlier than us in the morning, but instead of crying, he just sits in his pack and play and chatters to himself, or even with the angels that are around him. Who knows, but I never wake up to him crying. He's usally playing with something (blanket, toys I leave in there for him, feet, belly button, etc.) when I come in to get him. Like a said. Such a good baby. Maybe it's a blessing the Lord has given me because my postpartum was hell... or maybe again, He's trying to trick me into having more kids ;) lol.

Well, I'm supposed to be working right now so I'll have to update later. I'm really loving this blogging thing. I'm using it more as a personal journal more than anything, so I hope I don't say anything too revealing... lol Or say something about someone I'm frustrated with because it's on the freaking world wide web. WORLD WIDE. Need to watch out for that. Well, I'm sure I'll update soon. I'm really interested to see who actually reads this junk because personally, I get bored reading details of other peoples lives sometimes. I'd rather just write about my own. lol

Anways.. toodles.

Three am.. yay.

It is three a.m. and I can't sleep. I used to sleep like a rock. Hit the pillow and out for nine hours, but ever since I got pregnant with Eamonn my nice sleep patterns have gone out the window. Partly because our effing neighbors annoying barking dog that I seriously want to ... darrr! lol. But it's funny because I wake up at the same time every night, usually I wake up at four a.m. but today for some reason it's three. Pregnancy changes EVERYTHING!! Something I've really really really struggled with is losing the baby weight. I really had a hard time looking back at my wedding pictures and my when I first got married pictures to see how cute and skinny I was. I have accepted that I will probably never look that "good" again. But you know what? I am learning alot. I truly have never felt better about myself. Yah, I'm twenty pounds heavier, and I look like a "cinnamon toast crunch" (something Mace so lovingly said... hahah) with all of my stretch marks, but I have gone from obese (seriously.) 200 lbs. to a healthy 165. I have learned, very slowly, to love myself just the way I am. I really have struggled seeing my other friends who have had babies drop their weight so quickly, and I used to not have to worry!! I was a human garbage disposal with no regrets! Ever since I was 16 and lived in Chile, exercise and dieting have really been a such a mental burden on me.

When I was 16 years old, I left everything I knew and traveled across (well, down) the globe to the Beautiful country of Chile. This was actually the start of Bipolar. The funny thing is, before I left, I did show signs of extreme behavior, but nothing, NOTHING like when I was in Chile. Some of the worst, most disgusting, horrible, DIFFICULT memories in my whole life (a whopping twenty one years..) were when I was living in Chile. Bipolar can be triggered by stressful, life changing experiences (death of a loved one, first time in college, going to a random third world country, not speaking the native language, not knowing a soul, not knowing what culture even is, etc.) and this obviously qualified as one of those experiences. I went crazy, but not knowing at the time. I was extreme in everything I did. My mind has actually blocked out a lot of memories from Chile because of how traumatizing and dramatic my hardships were. When I look back, it is black and blurry, but the more I work through things, come to love and understand myself, the clearer it becomes. 

Just a few examples of some of the behaviors I started having when my bipolar was triggered. 

         Side note: I have more of a manic personality. Manic/Mania: affected with or marked by frenzy or mania uncontrolled by reason; an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action;  a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/ or energy levels; mania denotes an obsession with something. 

- As I mentioned before, I was EXTREME in everything. I literally was a perfectionist. During this time, I had never had my own testimony of the Gospel (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). I always have known that when I pray, Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers, but I never understood the atonement. I felt that I needed to be perfect, due to the scripture: Genesis 17:1 “Walk before Me and be thou perfect” After all that I have been through, I have learned what this means. I have leaned that NO ONE is perfect, and NO ONE will be here on this earth. We just need to do our best (which at the time to me was extremely skewed...) and the Lord will provide the rest. I felt that God was an angry God. A God of justice and perfection, and He is! But, not as I had thought. I was constantly burdened down by my imperfections. I just wanted to be forgiven of my sins. I went to extremes in trying hard to show Heavenly Father that I was a good girl. A worthy girl of his forgiveness. 

I literally, Literally would pray for hours at a time. Hours. to the point that my legs would fall asleep. These were times of MUCH anguish for me. Not only did I feel imperfect, but my mind had snapped. I starved myself for days, believing I was too fat, not loving the skin I was in. I developed "Exercise Bulimia" 

          Compulsive exercisers will often schedule their lives around exercise just as those with eating disorders schedule their lives around eating (or not eating). Other indications of compulsive exercise are:

• Missing work, parties or other appointments in order to work out
• Working out with an injury or while sick
• Becoming unusually depressed if unable to exercise
• Working out for hours at a time each day
• Not taking any rest or recovery days
• Defining self-worth in terms of performance
• Justifies excessive behavior by defining self as a "special" elite athlete

I also studied my scriptures for hours on end, becoming obsessed with cross referencing every footnote I saw. I again, felt that I needed to be perfect. As I write this, tears stream down my face because of the grief that this trial brought upon me. I again however, thank my Dear Heavenly Father daily for these experiences which he has blessed me with. I also got to the point where I would write on a little notebook, every wrong thing I did during the day.. Interrupt someone while they were talking, forgetting to return a pencil that I had borrowed, tripping over something, not doing my "best" to spread the gospel in everything I did... and at the end of the day, I would pray for hours, going over the long lists of "sins" that I had so horribly ;) committed that day.

I recently watched the show "Shutter Island" the other day (lots of swearing, beware..) and one of the characters had snapped. She said she felt as if there was a little bug, clinking around in her brain, pulling wires just for fun. I instantly understood. My mind raced. I sometimes felt that smoke would pour from my ears because of the thoughts racing through my mind. If you have never experienced mania, you will never understand the mental anguish that it is. Words cannot describe the torment that my mind was in. I was not o.k., and the thing is, no one knew me. They did not know that what I was doing was not normal for me. They just thought I was an extreme person. No one was there to care for my obvious needs, so it progressively got worse. I felt as if there was a constant cloud surrounding me, that there had been a brick wall placed between the Lord and I. As I look back, I can see that especially then, the Savior, MY Savior, Jesus Christ, had never been closer to me. I see that He was there, every step of the way, carrying me along, suffering right along with me, mourning with me and carrying my strife and sorrow. Because of those agonizing experiences, I know my Savior. Although those were some of the worst times in my life, I do not regret them. I see the person I am now, and understand that the refiners fire was necessary for me to understand and know my Savior. To enable me to "mourn with those that ^bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as ^cwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" - Mosiah 18, Book of Mormon. 

I would not be the person I am today without those trials. An honestly, those were just the beginning. This does not include my Senior year in high school and freshman year in college. Some of the worst times in life.

My Senior year of high school, I was at my bishop's office constantly. Bishop Curtis was one of the greatest blessings in my life. He actually recommended that I see a therapist because there was something not ok (in my words, not his) with my mind. My parents were definitely not supportive of this. They did not understand what was going on. I since then had calmed down immensely from Chile, (due to the angels that the Lord sent to me the Riquelme Family), but I was still not well. Not well at all. 

DISCLAIMER: Although I had extreme difficulties in Chile, I still loved it! I made so many friends, learned a beautiful language, and ah! I loved it. I love the people, love it all. (I posted some pics too)

Well, I am going to stop here, and will continue later. It is now four o'clock, my usual time for waking up, lol, but I am starting to get sleepy. (yay!) I have so much more to share, so much more. I again hope that because of my experiences, others might come to understand me and know me a little better, that they might become more accepting, tolerant, and understanding of those with mental disorders. I feel it is my calling in life to help people become aware of these oh so difficult circumstances, and I hope that others will see that even us crazy people are for the most part, normal. 

One more thing. Something that has been extremely difficult and hurtful (but I get over it. I know that others don't understand) is when people say things like, "I would never want to be dependent on medication for the rest of my life" or "These kinds of things can be worked out with the Lord if you have enough faith", "mental disorders are a bunch of made up crap that people use as excuses and crutches". Sometimes I wish those people would be afflicted with some of the worse things ever known to mankind. I wish curses and hurt upon them. lol. but really, like I said, I know that others don't really understand, I love them regardless (again, thanks to all that I have learned from my trials). I just want everyone who reads this to know that those things and those thoughts are not correct. They just aren't. We have no clue the struggles that others are going through. A lot of people don't believe me that I have bipolar. They dismiss it, saying, "well, we all have bad mental days"... If only they knew. These trials have truly helped me to become more understanding and more patient with others. We have no idea the things that others are going through, and sometimes they may do weird or crazy things, or say something offensive, etc, but we do not know the reasoning behind it. I hope I can be more like the Savior. I hope I can see people as He does. I hope that all of you who are reading this know, that you have a friend in me. That I will not judge you, for I know what it is like to go through difficulties. I know that we are not perfect. 

Anyways, that's enough emotion for one night. (morning). 

Take care all, and I will update soon. :)

PS, I screwed around with the dumb Highlighting feature, and now I can't get it to go away. grr. don't judge. lol

Niko and I. Besties. This is one of my all time favorite pictures. lol We had so much fun together. Side note: Niko is now serving a mission in Columbia! Yay! He was a convert to the church and ALWAYS wanted to be a missionary. His uncle, who helps support his Mom and his family financially told Niko that he didn't want him to go on a mission, and that he would stop supporting their family if he went. They then came up with an agreement that Niko had to get his degree first. .. and now.. He is on his mission! I am so proud of him!

Easter Island. My parents came down to pick me up and we flew out to Easter island. It is known for the Moai. Those big statues behind us. They are there to watch and protect the island. Also, they represent the deceased. The ones with the red rock on their heads represent royalty. It is a mystery to us how the transported the moai. They carved them directly from the mountain and somehow transported them around the island. It is also a mystery how they got the rocks on their heads.

My best friends in Chile. This was for art class. Please notice my sultry, sexy face. hahahaha

The houses had so many colors! I loved it. So beautiful and unique.

Hanging out at the mall with my friends. Almost everything has palta (avocado) on it! oh, and choclo (corn) on the pizza.

My school in Chile. Also, my host mom's head.

Chilean food. YUM!!!! It is now, five o'clock in the morning, and what I wouldn't give for some pino emanadas. My first host mom was an AMAZING cook. nom nom nom.

Typical Chilean food. I miss it. I gained so much weight there. lol no regrets. :)

Chile is such a beautiful country. Ah, I love it!

The gorgeous beaches of Chile.

My second host family. My angels. They truly saved me. I love them, and still talk to them. I am their daughter, and they are my family. again, I love them dearly.

My first host family. I don't know how they put up with me. I was so demanding and perfectionist-like. They should receive the nobel peace prize. lol

Yes. Cows in the middle of the road. Not as common as stray dogs, but this was normal. mooooo.

At the Feria, kind of like a farmers market.. sorta. Notice the lady behind me.. thinking.. dumb gringa. It's an apple. get over it. hahah but for real.. it was HUGE! (that's what she said.) innapropriate.

 

My group of friends in Chile. They were so awesome. They were so patient with me and my crazy brain. I love them. P.S. This was my school.. Colegio Liahona. Notice the liahonas on the glass. It wasn't a mormon school or anything, it was just funded and started by the church and then left or sold, not sure, to private companies. We also wore uniforms. I have to say that I loved uniforms. I didn't have to wonder what I was going to wear the next day. lol

Rotary Club! These are the other exchange students I went with. We had so much fun!

Me and Niko. Besties. :)

As you can see, most of my friends were guys. Niko, the guy to right of me, and Alexander, the guy to the left of me, were some of the people that really pulled me through, supported me, and loved me unconditionally, despite my crazy behaviors. lol. They were my angels, and my saving grace. May the Lord bless them for being there for me.

 

 

Sex sells... ice cream? lol In latin America, sex sells everything. haha

Cristian, another angel in my life. This was at the rededication of the temple. I was in the choir that sang for President Hinkley. LOVED it. :)