This all came to a complete shock for me. I mean, I didn't show very much with Eamonn because I carried him mostly in my back and I had just figured that this must be kind of the same thing. I didn't know that it would be such a big deal. At first I was kind of excited to think I would deliver early but then it started to sink in just how dangerous that could be...
I held it all mostly inside, not letting even Mason know my true feelings on everything. To be honest, I didn't even let myself know my true feelings on everything. I didn't want to admit deep down that I could potentially lose this little life that I have created, grown, and carried for the last eight months. He is my son, my child, literally a part of me and I would be absolutely devastated if anything were ever to happen to him. I wouldn't even admit to my Father in Heaven my true feelings. I just caged them in, deep deep down in my heart because down there, they were safe. There was no chance of pain or disappointment because they were already protected and not even made known. Down there, I was not vulnerable. Down there I was strong.
I knew however, that although I was strong and safe down there, I wasn't happy. It wasn't the peaceful and free strong and safe. With my feelings and emotions buried deep, there was fear and doubt. No light or hope could reach me and due to past trials I knew that although it would hurt to tear down these stubborn walls of pride and fear, and put myself out in the open for my husband, myself, and my Heavenly Father to see, that I would be genuinely happier. I would indeed be vulnerable yet that is exactly what is needed in order to find peace. Humility equals peace and pride equals fear.
All that I could muster was to kneel down to my Father in Heaven in prayer begging to help me to have peace concerning His will. To help me find peace in knowing that I am his daughter and He loves me, and that Jack is His son and He knows what is best for him also.
We called over our home teacher to give us Priesthood Blessings, and although the natural man in me wanted to know the outcome, the spiritually refined man in me desired to have peace in The Lord's will, come what may. If the Lord sees fit that this little spirit receive his body for only a short period of time than so be it, if not, and He sees fit that baby Jack stays with our family temporally than so be that too. I just wanted peace. I wanted the fear, worry and doubts of the unknown future to be given to My Savior. It was a burden I no longer wanted to carry.
The blessing was extremely comforting and one thing that I feel impressed to share stood out to me:
- Just as the people of Limhi, the Lord did not take away their burdens, but He did make them light.
14: And I will also ease the burdens which are put opon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upono your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand a witnessess for me hereafter, and that you may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15: And now itcame to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his bretheren were made light' year, the Lord did strenghten them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
- Do not feel as a burden to those around you, your trails are there for your benefit AND others. They are there to edify and purify you, but also those who choose to serve you. Listen to their advice and council, and you will be strengthened in their testimonies and they in yours.
Having been put on strict bedrest has really made me needy to the help of others. I can't clean, I can't cook, and worst of all, I can't care for my baby Eamonn. That honestly has been the ULTIMATE disappointment for me and the greatest trial so far. I want to be the one who is there for him when he wakes up from his naps, who plays with him and feeds him, who does all of those things that I had taken for granted before. I feel so hurt knowing that he may wonder why his mom isn't with him, and who all of these strange people are... It kills me knowing that he could be scared or afraid or even disappointed in me, all for something beyond my control.
Wednesday night I woke up with severe cramps in my stomach and really bad diarrhea, so I went to Labor and delivery the next morning just to be safe. . They ended up admitting me to the hospital and keeping me there over night due to extreme dehydration. Yet another speed bump. All that I could think of the entire time was, how much is this going to cost us? I just want to be at home with my husband and my baby Eamonn who I haven't seen hardly at all this week....
It was extremely difficult for me to make a schedule for OTHER people to come and care for me and my family. It really is a humbling experience. It just sucks knowing that I can't do it on my own, and if it wasn't for my baby Jack, I probably wouldn't do it. I have people cleaning my house, making me dinner, and taking Eamonn for me all day long. To be honest though, I have learned and come to a point where I no longer feel embarrassed, I just feel gratitude. Eternal gratitude that words cannot express.
On Monday, my neighbor took Eamonn for me in the morning, Amanda (White) came over and helped me clean my house and watched all three of our kids, and my mom brought over dinner for Mason and I. Tuesday, Kaylee again took Eamonn in the morning, Alyssa Bertele randomly showed up on my front porch with cleaning supplies and cooking supplies for dinner, my dad showed up and took Eamonn for me, Kelly Kennard showed up with dinner, and Brandon Doyle showed up with extra dinner that Rachel had made for us. Wednesday morning Kaylee AGAIN took Eamonn for me and Dani came over to watch Eamonn and keep me company, Thursday morning Kaylee AGAIN took Eamonn for me and Loni Daniels came over and got Eamonn, Friday, of course Kaylee again took Eamonn, (And helped me break into my house after getting locked out again), Malia Siufunuah took Eamonn all night, and sweet, kind, amazing sister madsen cleaned my house, made me dinner, shoveled our walks and even trimmed our hedges.
I truly feel as if my burdens have been made lighter and not even as painful or difficult as they could or should be, due to the love of my Heavenly Father, working through angels in my life. People I don't even know that well have pitched in to help us in our time of need. I feel humbled, I feel grateful, I feel blessed. Dare I say that I am grateful for this trial? Yes. One thousand percent yes. I have seen the Lord's hand so plainly in the last week and I want to witness to all who are reading that the Lord DOES care and that he does work through angels here on earth.
Although I have no idea what the outcome will be, I have faith that the Lord does. I do have moments of fear when I let my mind wander into the possible outcomes, but I am doing the best I can to know that the Lord is watching out for our family. I am grateful for the Angels that he has sent to me in my life. I only hope that I one day too can be as amazing as any one of the many people who have taken their time out of their day to help bear our burdens.
I really think that Alabama knows what they are talking about when they sing the song "Angels among us"... I just thought I'd post a video that I found on youtube for that song.. It's really, really cheesy, but the song is absolutely perfect.