Xbox is of the devil, and I need a hobby.

So pretty much I'm typing into the standard "notepad" application that every computer comes with, but no one uses. We are too cheap to Microsoft word,
and I am too bugged to sit and figure out why the heck the stupid internet isn't working. Mason just left for school in the car, (our only car at the time)
 With my regular laptop. If anything gets left in there during the day, say farewell cause you won't be seeing it. I am so bugged right now. If you are starting to see a pattern on my blog it's because I only write when I am a basket case, or mad. And I am the mad part of that right now.
I am going to rant on X-boxes.

Why were those EVER created? I would like to know, what is SO enticing about mindlessly shooting someone, or pretending to be an NFL athlete and make plays for 4 hours straight? I mean REALLY?! I don't know how someone could feel fine about sitting and wasting their time and their brain cells on those loads of crap.

Mason wants to go to a "guys night" on Friday night. He pretty much wants to go play x-box until 7 am in the morning, pretending that there is no care in the world.What will I be doing? Probably the same things I do every normal weekday, taking care of Eamonn and lounging around the house waiting for Mason to come home.
 
I think I am the kind of Naggy wife who won't let her husband play xbox. I am one of THOSE wives. I bet Mace never thought I'd be when we were dating..
Oh well, he tricked me into a lot of things too, so I guess we're even.
But seriously.
Mace says that it is MY fault that I won't have anything to do because I don't have any hobbies. I tried to make an excuse for everything, blaming him for
being a mindless drone (which he is) but when I got to thinking about it, it IS true. I have no hobbies, no life. My life revolves around 2 things... work, and family. Mason asks why I don't like sewing, or scrapbooking. I'll tell you.. it's effing boring.
I'm not talented in that kind of crap. Everyone else may be, but I'm not. Ugh. So really, I need a hobby. I play the piano, and teach piano lessons,
but when Friday night rolls around and Mason wants to go to "Guys night"
I'm definitely not going to be playing piano for twelve hours. I teach piano lessons, and that is ok... but like I said, I'm not going to go do that until 7 am. It's fun, but it's not mindless fun.
Ugh. I am just pissed. I'm pissed too because I make $40 a month off piano lessons and guess where that goes? Bills. Yup. Bills. I would like to have my own money and tell Mason he can figure out where to get the stupid money for his precious, mindless phone and internet plan. See!? Another thing that he loves! What the hell!?


I guess it just bugs too that all of my friends have talent. Amanda has started a blog and is selling all of her sewing stuff on there, Chels just got her BACHELORES and is amazing at decorating even the simplest and homliest of places. My single friends are single, so they are hitting on guys and trying to get married. (Don't do it, it's boring. Unless you have talent, then I hear it's pretty cool...)
It's just like really? You bug that you are so ambitious and out there doing junk! Madi for hells sake just ran 60 mile marathon for breast cancer. I wish I was that cool! But what?! What can I do?! I feel almost.. what's the word? unworthy? no.. um, insecure. There we go, insecure. I feel like everything that could be cool I'm just not good at, someone is better, and honestly, after 12 minutes just gets boring.

I would like to cook, I do like to cook, let me rephrase, bake. Not cook, bake. I like to make sugary snacks, not the other junk. The other junk is a chore. But why is it that women like lame stuff like COOKING, SEWING, SCRAPBOOKING, etc? Psh. Lame. I wish I liked Xbox. I wish I could mindlessly drown my sorrows in make believe fantacies..

 Like I said. Jealousy that Mason has that. I guess I could watch the hills for 8 hours straight? ha.
Maybe I will try alcohol. I would be able to get a way mentally and with a spritz of lime, I hear it aint to bad on the taste buds.. haha (totally kdding. I would probably do marijuana anyways.) ;)

I am however grateful to have a job. I really really really REALLY enjoy being able to work. That to me is such a blessing and I feel so challenged mentally. I did do school for a little while, but it just isn't in the cards for me.Maybe taking lessons of some sort?
But what?
And what can we afford?
I do see a therapist.. does that count?
Maybe sewing lessons at Joann's or something?
I'm jealous cause amanda has a gold's gym pass and goes and does raquetball and stuff over there..
Too bad poor people are lame.
Maybe I could play with some sticks. those are free. (pity me please. lol)
Good news though, Amanda AND madi are moving to Provo, so things might be easier to do together.
I need response to this post. I need Ideas, I need motivation.

Ex. One time, I saw cake pops, came up with the amazing idea of making them and selling them. Then I tried to make them. THey turned out all right, but were a pain to make. Then I decided, that was dumb.

Maybe I just lack ambition. Everything in life isn't fun right? But isn't that what a hobby is? fun?

I just looked back at Eamonn who was chattering away to himself, only to see that he has ripped off the arm of my snowman decoration and is doing who knows what with it. Ah well. I guess that's why I bought a plush snowman for 90% off, and that is also why there are hot glue guns.

Anyways. Please comment, give me some ideas and don't judge me!

Things I like to do:
- bargain shop
- bake
- be social
- eventually I would like to exercise.. lol that's pushing it though... I think with friends it might be easier...
- eating (completely contradictory to my previous brain storm idea)
- reading maybe?
- who the heck knows.
- sing (mediochre-lly)

love,
Laur

Life Desicions

I woke up with a calmer mind this morning. Phewf.
 I went to the Dr. Yesterday to see about altering my meds. Dr. Griffin thinks that Depakote will be good. It will help calm the mania that is constantly racing through my brain. The bad news is that it could hurt the baby. We are praying about it today.
These are the things I have to tell myself and eventually come to know for myself:

• The Lord's will, will not be frustrated!
• He has the Power to do anything. Even protect my baby from high odds of liver and spinal defects.

I guess I just don't want to accept the Lord's will. I am afraid of it. What if he wants this baby to go through life with physical ailments? I wouldn't want to see that. Not if I have anything to do with it. I just don't want to have the potential for more trials. I don't want to be held responsible for defecting this little life that I am responsible fore. I don't want to hurt him. (As sad as I was that he is a boy, I love hiim and want him to be happy and healthy.) I wouldn't want to think that because I was weak, I have caused an innocent spirit to suffer for a lifetime.

Maybe I'm cutting off my nose despite my face.

My natural impulse is to suffer anything to protect my child. Even if it means mental anguish. But the truth is, I do have the tendency to believe that I can and should be able to carry too large of burdens or do more than is required. Most of the times to the point that I am suffereing unnessarily and all I have to do is cast my burdens of the Lord.

I'm Just scared.

I also really don't know what is the right thing to do.
I guess the first step is to open my mind and heart to either possibility:

• Take the meds
• Don't take the Meds.

Be open to the Lord's will either way. My faith is shaken though. I was so sure that this baby was a girl. I had received such strong impressions in the temple, I had leterally seen her face as I looked into Eamonn's. I was so sure in my faith and in my ability to receive personal revalation.

What if I mess up? What if I ruin this baby and it is all my fault?

Somtimes I wish I could have normal pregnancies.
Somedays I wish I'd never hav to go through this, that I could just stop existing.
Somedays, (like yesterday) the mental anquish as almost too much to bear.

I am angry with God. I hate that he has made me go through this. I hate him and feel completely abandoned.
Yet, I remember, in a tiny crevice of my sould, buried beneath all of my sorrow and pain, what it must be like to be Heavenly Father.

I bet it's like when I take Eamonn to the doctor to get his shots. He does not understand that the pain is but a brief moment. To him? NO. he is only a year old! Time is a concept beyond his grasp. All he feels is the pain of the here and now. He doesnt' understand that these shots are preparing him for the future; making him stronger in order to face any sickness that may cross his path. Sickness that would bring more pain and suffering than this brief in time.
He also does not see me, his mom, trying to suppress tears. I know that he is in pain and it breaks me to see him cry. To not understand why I would ever take him to this unknown place, only to feel pain. Not knowing why I would ever let him suffer.

The truth is, I do it becasue I love him. Because I have so much more experience than him If I were to let him do exactly what he wanted, he would be playing with power outlest and splashing in the toilet all day long. The thing I love about Eamonn, is that he trust me. I am his mommy. He knows that I will always be there for him. 
I am an imperfect parent. My father in Heaven is not.

I will sumit myself to his will, he knows what is best for me.

I feel so much peace right now. I still don't know what  is the right thing to do , but I have faith and I have hope that the Lord knows what is best. He knows me. He knows how I work and think. He is not going to let me make a wrong decision because I have faith in Him. No parent would do that, and especially not my perfect, all knowing Heavenly Father.