Last night I had an epiphany about marriage.
After mason and I hashed out (hashed out = fought out) our issues for an hour and a half (after marriage Therapy.. Lol), I was so confused, angry, lost, and wondering why the hell I ever thought marriage was a great idea.
Both of us have baggage that we've picked up as children, from our parents, and from society, which are so heavy. I mean, I already am dealing with my own issues! Marriage means intimately dealing with another human's baggage and blind spots, which can be so infuriating and annoying! Especially when their issues affect you in such obvious ways (sex, finances, codependency, control freakness)
Sometimes it feels like the biggest joke to think that this is a good thing. Sometimes I tell myself, if I didn't have kids with this man, or if it was there was an easy way out of this, I would be gone in 2 seconds.
Then my epiphany hit me, after fighting and discovering our beliefs and issues for an hour and a half... A little voice came into my head:
Maybe marriage is a safe place for all of our issues to be worked through and to manifest themselves.
You have codependency issues? You'll get a chance to work through those. You have intimacy issues? Great, marriage will bring that Shit out in you. You have issues with abundance? Sex? Responsibility? Control? Great! All of that Shit will hit the fan when you get married.
I used to be so frustrated because I thought an ideal marriage meant putting another person ahead of you all the time, selfless love and sacrifice, bliss and happiness at all times! Having someone who completes me, having adorable kids who my husband and I would love and honor at all times... Blah blah blah.
That was a joke. While marriage can be blissful and happy at times, it is ALSO messy! It is infuriating! It is annoying! It is confrontational! It is discord! I thought I was failing as a wife if I felt hatred and anger towards my husband. I felt like a failure when I wanted to throw the towel in and tell Mason to rot in hell. Lol I was constantly beating myself up for feeling any emotion that wasn't happiness, bliss, peace, contentment, and love.
Now I see that maybe, marriage is here so all of those emotions and beliefs can come forward, be worked through, and released. Maybe marriage is like the refiners fire, allowing me to learn forgiveness, patience, charity, and love. Maybe it's okay to want to call it quits or feel fury and rage, because after you work through those emotions, out comes an outpouring of love and gratitude for another human who still wants to be with ME despite my craziness.
All in all, marriage is a place for our Shit to come out, and to experience every emotion on the emotional spectrum. Isn't that what life is all about to? To experience humanness? To experience pain and suffering, to experience love and joy? Marriage is just an accelerated course on life, one that today, I'm grateful to be in.
PS of you want a REALLY accelerated course on life and add even more emotions to that spectrum, throw kids into that mix and multiply everything I just said that you the number of additional kids you have. ;)