Thursday, November 21, 2013

Why marriage brings out the Shit in all of us... My views on the whole marriage ordeal

Last night I had an epiphany about marriage.

After mason and I hashed out (hashed out = fought out) our issues for an hour and a half (after marriage Therapy.. Lol), I was so confused, angry, lost, and wondering why the hell I ever thought marriage was a great idea.

Both of us have baggage that we've picked up as children, from our parents, and from society,  which are so heavy. I mean, I already am dealing with my own issues! Marriage means intimately dealing with another human's baggage and blind spots, which can be so infuriating and annoying! Especially when their issues affect you in such obvious ways (sex, finances, codependency, control freakness)

Sometimes it feels like the biggest joke to think that this is a good thing. Sometimes I tell myself, if I  didn't have kids with this man, or if it was there was an easy way out of this, I would be gone in 2 seconds.

Then my epiphany hit me, after fighting and discovering our beliefs and issues for an hour and a half... A little voice came into my head:

Maybe marriage is a safe place for all of our issues to be worked through and to manifest themselves.

You have codependency issues? You'll get a chance to work through those. You have intimacy issues? Great, marriage will bring that Shit out in you. You have issues with abundance? Sex? Responsibility? Control? Great! All of that Shit will hit the fan when you get married.

I used to be so frustrated because I thought an ideal marriage meant putting another person ahead of you all the time, selfless love and sacrifice, bliss and happiness at all times!  Having someone who completes me, having adorable kids who my husband and I would love and honor at all times... Blah blah blah.

That was a joke. While marriage can be blissful and happy at times, it is ALSO messy! It is infuriating! It is annoying! It is confrontational! It is discord! I thought I was failing as a wife if I felt hatred and anger towards my husband. I felt like a failure when I wanted to throw the towel in and tell Mason to rot in hell. Lol I was constantly beating myself up for feeling any emotion that wasn't happiness, bliss, peace, contentment, and love.

Now I see that maybe, marriage is here so all of those emotions and beliefs can come forward, be worked through, and released. Maybe marriage is like the refiners fire, allowing me to learn forgiveness, patience, charity, and love. Maybe it's okay to want to call it quits or feel fury and rage, because after you work through those emotions, out comes an outpouring of love and gratitude for another human who still wants to be with ME despite my craziness.

All in all, marriage is a place for our Shit to come out, and to experience every emotion on the emotional spectrum. Isn't that what life is all about to? To experience humanness? To experience pain and suffering, to experience love and joy? Marriage is just an accelerated course on life, one that today, I'm grateful to be in.

PS of you want a REALLY accelerated course on life and add even more emotions to that spectrum, throw kids into that mix and multiply everything I just said that you the number of additional kids you have. ;)

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Why Carnality Is Amazing. Get ready to open your mind... this one is a DOOZY!!!

So I've had such an amazing breakthrough. Wowsers. I almost feel like typing it out isn't going to be enough. I wish I could just download everything I just remembered to everyone else instead of having to go through the extremely tedious process of me typing and you reading. But the funny thing is, that is exactly what this post is about.

I have been doing a lot of processing and a lot of work on integrating my body and spirit. Even as a small child, I have felt my body to be so confining! It's like.. GEEZE! I have so much to do and so much to share and so much to see! I just want to be there NOW! I want to be everywhere at once! I don't want to be contained in such an "inadequate" vessel.

Ok. So there is so much I want to share. I don't even know where to start. A lot of times, I get like this, and then I just get so frustrated that I don't even start because there's so much I want to share and express and words just aren't enough. I want others to feel what I'm feeling! I want others to feel how amazing I feel and to feel the passion and love that is seriously oozing from every piece of me! 'alskdjf a;df  Until we rediscover how to talk telepathically, I guess this is the best way to get everything out.

So A huge belief that I have been carrying that I just realized that I have been carrying, is that carnality is bad and That the body is evil. It's so contrary! We are taught to love and care for our bodies, yet, we are taught that carnality is evil and that Adam fell into sin, and that we need to be spiritual beings instead of carnal beings. Well, I'm here to tell you that that's a load of shit. Well, I'm actually here to tell you that I have taken this belief to an unbelievable extreme (which is something I excel greatly at.. haha) and that the way I have seen it, and the way that others might be seeing it, is not truth. SO when I say that's a load of shit, I mean to say, the way that I have personally been perceiving it has not been truth and has been causing a lot of pain and frustration for me. Again, I am taking responsibility for my perception, Not for yours on what you think I am saying.

So here is an outline of how I have been seeing the whole "Plan of Salvation" (an LDS belief if you are personally not aware of the LDS religion).

We chose to come to earth to experience life

Adam came first, and he and Eve made a horrible choice, and Sinned. This was the first ever sin and they became carnal, sinful, mortal beings.

Because Adam and Eve weren't good enough (or the entire human race) and because they were so sinful, God had to send down his perfect child to save us all from our disgusting state.

God's perfect child has saved us from our horribleness and only through his perfect child, can we have a relationship with him.

In order to get back to God, we have to NOT be human beings and deny ourselves of carnality and just be spiritual beings.

So in a nut shell, that Is how I saw all of this. IT'S PRETTY CRAZY RIGHT!?

So in order for me NOT to be imperfect, disgusting, and carnal, I decided to avoid all carnality, and to live in my brain. To analyze everything first, to not make any mistakes and not to experience emotions and human-ness because it is such a horrible, disgusting state of be-ing. SO horrible in fact, that God doesn't even want to be on the same planet as us! So horrible that he had to send a mediator and sent a perfect being to save us. So I denied my body. I decided to live in my head and not in my heart. I decided to cut off all emotions and connections to other humans.

Today, I realized that for me, this belief that carnality is horrible and that being human is such a sin, is no longer working for me.
Today, I realized that Christ is the PERFECT example of embracing carnality and loving and honoring this human experience!

So this is now how I see "The Plan of Salvation"

I was with God and I am God. I am a piece of Him, I am his Child. Therefore, I am God. I am a God. I am a spirit being. I am perfect. My soul is God. (Kinda deep, but bear with me. Remember that all of this stuff has been a lot of study and a lot of learning for me. It might be a lot to just hear for the first time. I know it was for me when I first remembered this..)

As a God, I gained a lot of awesome knowledge and intelligence, but it got to a point that knowledge just wasn't enough. Knowledge was awesome, but I wanted more. I wanted EXPERIENCE. And the only way to experience, was to put on a human body that could feel pain, and pleasure, and emotions!

So, As a God, I chose to lower my vibration and take on "imperfection". To take on a human body that could actually experience, rather than just have knowledge.

As a God, I chose what lessons I wanted to learn in life. I chose what experiences I wanted to go through in order to help me grow and progress. I chose what family lines I wanted to go into, I chose my parents, my siblings, and basically everything I am experiencing now, I chose. I chose what "Quarks" I wanted to take on. I chose to live in my brain, I chose to go through abuse, I chose to abuse, I chose all that was necessary for me to learn what I am "remembering" now. (I say remembering because I already know everything.. I just want to experience that now and that isn't possible without forgetting everything first.. but I will get to that/)

As a God, I chose to forget all that I had previously chosen. I chose to put on a "veil of forgetfulness" in order to actually be human, and EXPERIENCE. I chose to experience pain and sorrow, happiness and joy, and I chose to feel. You see, emotions are purely human. They are a carnal thing. It's so funny because what we have chosen to experience, we are actually denying. We chose to experience pain and emotions, but now that we are here, we are trying to deny all of that and avoid all of that! What if emotions were actually really, really amazing?! What if Pain just is an experience, no better or worse than pleasure?! And we have just forgotten all of this?

So, that brings me back to what carnality actually is. Carnality is to be "imperfect". Carnality is to feel and experience what is so uniquely human. Sex! Pleasure! Smelling the flowers! Falling down and scraping your knees! Walking across burning hot coals! Kissing your kids! Feeling the anger that wells up inside of you when your kids spill toilet water all over the bathroom floor! Feeling the sorrow of losing someone close to you! Feeling the rage of the person that cuts you off on the freeway! Feeling the caress of a sweet husband, showing his love to you through physical touch! Feeling the sadness of Messing up and yelling at someone you love! All of this, is carnality. All of this is soo soo wonderful. We wouldn't have chosen into it, if it wasn't so wonderful!

And that, is where Christ comes into this for me. Before, I saw Christ as someone who came here to save me from all that I was doing wrong. Now I am realizing that I am doing nothing wrong. I am living. I am experiencing! And that Is so perfect! Christ came here to show us that even taking on everyone's pain, is actually a great thing! He showed me that pain is just an experience. He lived in a body and chose to come and learn with us because it is actually super awesome. He felt every pain, but I wonder if that's all we focus on. Do you think that maybe he felt all of our pleasures, too? Do you think that he was Godly because he was able to feel connected to all of us at once, like God does? Do you think that he was showing us the way? That we too, can experience pain and pleasure and emotions and still live? And still remember that we are actually spirit beings, coming here for experience? Do you think he came to show us that we are not our bodies, and that we are so much more than our experiences?

Wow. That is so enlightening for me.

If you have taken offense to any of this, I am sorry you have chosen that. I challenge every person reading this, to actually question this! See what exactly bothers you so much, and why? Why does the belief that we are God's bother you? Why does the belief that sin is just experience, bother you? Being bothered is JUST information. Dig deeper.  Embrace it.  See if this idea works for you! See if Christ is so much more than we realized! See if your carnality is actually something to be embraced!

 Spirituality is awesome. I LOVE spirituality. But we ARE spirit beings. We are naturally spiritual because we ARE spirit. But we AREN'T our bodies. Our bodies are just an amazing tool to help us progress. We are NOT our experiences. We ARE children of God. We ARE Spirit beings. There is definitely a balance between spirituality and carnality. Embrace them both.

Love and Light to you all!!!!!



Thursday, March 7, 2013

What is perfection?

I know, I am on a perfection kick.. but it is so awesome, all that I am learning! I just wanted to share.

A book that I have not wanted to put down lately, is Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue by Neal Donald Walsch

Man that book has been life changing for me. All of this time, I've seen perfection as doing exactly as God wants me to do and being exactly as God wants me to be. I would read the scriptures and see Jesus Christ and all that he did, and want to be perfect just like Him. I was faithfully following in His footsteps. I was serving others constantly, I would submit myself to the pains that God sent me to feel and the trials He gave me without complaining, I would put all others before myself, I was selfless. Even as I look at the word selfless, it really makes me wonder why we use that word? Self-less. Putting my self-less and others first? From my experience, being self-less didn't serve me. I was striving SO hard to be self-less, that that's exactly  what I became. I had no sense of self.

I was so busy trying to be the perfect mom, and wife, and neighbor, and child, that I denied my self over and over and over. I perceived that that's what Christ did, and that is what would make God proud of me and love me. I believed that because I am a mom now, it's time for me to become truly selfless and sacrifice everything, every part of me, to my family. I denied myself an education, I denied myself nice clothes and things, I denied myself a job, I denied myself everything so I could stay at home and be self-less. After a while, I came to the pain-FULL realization that the more I denied myself, the less I was able to give to my family. Slowly but surely my sense of self was buried underneath  my perceptions of who I SHOULD be, rather than who I really am. Shoulds, shouldn'ts, have to's, and I need to's ruled my life. I wasn't living life as I truly wanted. I was living my life the way I thought God, my children, the church, my family, and society wanted. I was not happy. This "perfection" was not working for me any longer.

I felt like God's love was a catch 22 and so was my agency. I felt like when he said, "If you love me, keep my commandments" it was literal. I wanted to show Him that I could perfectly love him. Nope. That didn't work for me. I felt like when God told me that I had my agency, he was saying, "Yah! You can choose which path you want! But there's only one path the me, and the rest are wrong and you will live a life of agony if you don't choose what I really want you to choose. I felt God's love was conditional based on if I did what he wanted me to or not. Imagine my utter shock when I learned that God is not this way at all. In Conversations with God,God says:

NDW: When you say that a prayer is a statement of what is so, are you saying that God does nothing; that everything which happens after a prayer is a result of the prayer's action?
If you believe that God is some omnipotent being who hears all prayers, says "yes" to some, "no" to others, and "maybe, but not now" to the rest, you are mistaken. By what rule of thumb would God decide?
If you believe that God is the creator and decider of all things in your life, you are mistaken.
God is the observer, not the creator. And God stands ready to assist you in living your life, but not in the way you might expect.
It is not God's function to create, or uncreate, the circumstances or conditions of your life. God created you, in the image and likeness of God. You have created the rest, through the power God has given you. God created the process of life and life itself as you know it. Yet God gave you free choice, to do with life as you will.
In this sense, your will for you is God's will for you.
You are living your life the way you are living your life, and I have no preference in the matter.
This is the grand illusion in which you have engaged: that God cares one way or the other what you do.
I do not care what you do, and that is hard for you to hear. Yet do you care what your children do when you send them out to play? Is it a matter of consequence to you whether they play tag, or hide and seek, or pretend? No, it is not, because you know they are perfectly safe. You have placed them in an environment which you consider friendly and very okay.
Of course, you will always hope that they do not hurt themselves. And if they do, you will be right there to help them, heal them, allow them to feel safe again, to be happy again, to go and play again another day. But whether they choose hide and seek or pretend will not matter to you the next day, either.
You will tell them, of course, which games are dangerous to play. But you cannot stop your children from doing dangerous things. Not always. Not forever. Not in every moment from now until death. it is the wise parent who knows this. Yet the parent never stops caring about the outcome. It is this dichotomy--not caring deeply about the process, but caring deeply about the result--that comes close to describing the dichotomy of God.
Yet God, in a sense, does not even care about the outcome. Not the ultimate outcome. This is because the ultimate outcome is assured.
And this is the second great illusion of man: that the outcome of life is in doubt.
It is this doubt about ultimate outcome that has created your greatest enemy, which is fear. For if you doubt outcome, then you must doubt Creator-you must doubt God. And if you doubt God, you must live in fear and guilt all your life.
If you doubt God's intentions-and God's ability to produce this ultimate result-then how can you ever relax? How can you ever truly find peace?

I'm not going to lie.. this is really difficult for me to write. Even though I am aware of my actions, it still can be tough to see that I was playing a martyr card and that despite ALL of my best efforts, they were just pointed in the wrong a direction I hadn't realized. (There is no such thing as a wrong direction in my eyes). It's still tough sometimes to admit that my life is my creation, and that all of the pain I experienced was actually brought on myself. The entire time, I had blamed God. "You told me to get married and have kids so early! You told me through countless conference talks and relief society lessons that this is what I was supposed to do!" Let's be honest. God didn't tell me to do ANYTHING. I had my agency and I CHOSE to perceive everything that way. It is amazing to me that I have friends who can go to the exact same relief society lesson and get something COMPLETELY different out of it! It all boils down to me. I am the master of my universe. I am the creator of my agony. I am the one who perceived things in the way I did.

It may seem extremely harsh, and some of you may be cringing at reading this because it is bringing up realizations that you too are the creator of your own life experience and the reason you feel shitty sometimes really boils down to the fact that you created that. Believe me. I was the NUMBER ONE advocate of this being the hokiest bunch of crap. I was in complete resistance to the idea that I was the only one who could make myself miserable.

But do you want to know the truth about it? The truth is, that this gift of creating is the greatest gift God has blessed his children with. He didn't stop me from creating a mess! He allowed me to create and learn. Let's be honest, I'm still a little bitter about it, but I'm working on it. ;) Once I saw that God really doesn't care what I do with my life, and that He gave me agency so I could create what I chose, it was so freaking empowering. The absolute best part about realizing that I am the master of my own life? I get to create whatever I want. I get to choose exactly how I feel, react, and think.

I am the literal offspring of God. GOD! The creator of all of the universe and everything therein and thereon! I too possess that same power. And you know what? I choose a different way than before. I choose accountability. I choose to not blame my husband, my kids, my parents, my religion, my God, my "circumstances" for the outcome of my life. I choose to love me. I choose to love myself exactly as I am. I choose to see my "flaws" (as I called them before) as my own personal creation that allow me to know and love myself more wholey.

As I look back, I am filled with gratitude. God, I love all that I have gone through. I am SO grateful for my agency and my creation. I am SO grateful for the freedom I feel from the captivity I held myself in. I love the contrast in my life from then and now. I love that God loves me so much that he let me create my own misery. That's why I chose to come to earth! I chose because I want to experience who I really am! It's not possible to do so without that opposition. How can I know hot without cold? Joy without pain? Comfort without uncomfortable? And you know the best thing that I am learning? Pain doesn't have to be a bad thing. Pain is a perception. How did Christ suffer on the cross and feel all that he did? Why was he so willing? Because he knew that pain is a perception. It is a sensation. The more I resist pain, the more it comes to me and the more I believe that pain is horrible the more horrible my life becomes. I choose to see this life as temporary. I choose to see this life as an opportunity for experience. I am an eternal being! This is just a small moment! Life is what I create! Wow. God is Amazing. I am amazing. I love all that I am learning and hopefully you too can take what works for you from my writing and let it enhance your life.

If you don't agree with everything I say, that is wonderful. Find out for yourself what is truth for you and what works for you. If some things that I say seem so stupid and blind and lost, that's totally fine. Take what speaks to you and disregard the rest. I am writing for my benefit and the benefit of others. Know that what I say is out of love. Nothing is out of judgement or pointing fingers. AT ALL. If you are a stay at home mom and  you do it for you, than that is completely wonderful and I honor that! I am not writing this out of blame or judgement. I am writing this because what I have experienced is so amazing, that I wanted to share.

Much love!!


Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Throughout the years, (all 24 of them.. haha) my perspective of what "perfect" is, has really transformed. All of this time, I wanted to be PERFECT. I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect everything. The scriptures say, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." So I tried. Constantly. Consciously, subconsciously, I was going to be PERFECT.

As a mom, I was never going to let me kids go through some of the experiences I had. I understood that my parents did their best, but I was going to be better. I was going to be PERFECT. I would always have patience and understanding with my kids. I would never physically hurt them, I would never degrade them. I would always listen to what they had to say and be a just and perfect parent. They would have NO reason to ever feel sad, or angry or hate me, because of something I said or did. I would be perfect.

As a daughter, I was going to PLEASE my parents. I wanted them to see that they did a great job! I wanted them to see that I could be obedient in every request and that I would never disappoint. I wouldn't be like my rebellious siblings who seemed to have problems with authority.. lol My mom would always have a shoulder to cry on and my dad would always be proud of his straight A, hard working, over achieving daughter. I would be perfect.

As a wife, I was always please my husband. I was going to be a SEX GODDESS. I wasn't going to be like those other wives who complained about having sex or pleasing their man. I was never going to degrade or talk down to my husband. I wasn't going to be one of those wives that Brian Regan described, who mocked their husband's tiny little husband brain.. I was always going to be supportive in all that he did. Even if he did things differently than my dad. I would be perfect.

As a friend, I would always be there. Any phone call, I was going to answer. Any question with life, I was going to have a perfect, spiritual, uplifting response that would change lives forever. Any time a babysitter was needed or a meal brought over, that would be me. I was never going to talk poorly about someone else or gossip or compare.  I would be absolutely perfect.

As a member of the church, I was going to be perfect. I was never going to disappoint God or any of his leaders. I was going to take every calling and overachieve in everyone. I was going to be diligent in my visiting teaching, being a spiritual, perfect example for all to see. I was going to bring a meal to every sick person, every funeral, every new mom... I was going to answer all of the questions in relief society and volunteer for every missionary dinner. I would be perfect.

As a homemaker, I was going to have the PERFECT home. Every holiday, even the obscure ones that only the catholics celebrated, would have perfect handmade, beautiful, ornate decorations. My kids were going to be so lucky to have a mom that cared so much. I was going make every meal from scratch, (all organic, of course) the house was always going to be spotless. I was going to be the envy of everyone. I would be perfect.

This belief of "perfection" started as a child and continued to grow. I saw benefits to this wonderful trait. People really did look up to me! People really did respond in the ways that I had anticipated and it was awesome! Everyone looked up to Lauren. She was so strong and so wonderful. Church leaders always took me aside and told me what an amazing example I was.. My parents were so proud of their straight A student, their foreign exchange student, their child that was so strong and perfect in the gospel..

*As I write this, it occurs to me that it would be beneficial to remind you that this was my perspective. Perspective is everything. This is how I perceived things, And I had other motivating factors for making the choices I did. I went to Chile because I am adventurous and I follow my heart. I served others because I loved them. I went to church because I loved God.. The tricky part is that co-dependencies and false belief systems were interwoven between all of it. Humans are extremely multifaceted. No one is just "bad" or "good" we are a beautiful mixture of everything.

Shit really hit the fan when I went to Chile. The whole, perfection thing, really wasn't working for me any longer, but I didn't know what was going on! I thought it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, or  I wasn't good enough. Even more shit hit the fan when I left for college and I had to drop out because of my mental state. My being perfect didn't go well with a college drop out. Things just went downhill from there. I got married at 19, which wasn't "pleasing" to my parents, so pleasing them wasn't working like I thought it should. Then I had kids and really, being a perfect mom wasn't working like I thought that should either! Sex goddess was not happening, neither was the perfect house, neither was being the perfect church goer. Nothing was working the way I had expected!!

Despite nothing working the way I thought they "should", I still pressured myself for perfection. My life crumbled around me. (Just read some of my last blog posts from a few years ago...) My house looked like an episode of Hoarders, my sex life was non existent  I criticized and blamed Mason for everything went wrong, all of the things I thought my parents wanted from me wasn't happening any longer, I deep deep deep DEEP down (subconsciously) hated going to church and trying to be perfect in that aspect, the more and more I fought against what I didn't want to be... the more it became and the more I absolutely HATED myself. Hate. I literally hated myself. I could do nothing right in my eyes. I also projected this belief onto everyone I was in contact with. Because I was never good enough to myself, I was never good enough for God, for my kids, for my parents, for my spouse, for ANYONE.

My life was in total chaos. I was going to the dr.'s every other week to modify bipolar medications, my dishes hadn't been done in months, I couldn't even walk from room to room in my home, I pulled myself away from all of my friends and family, I sabotaged my body by eating shit and causing me to stay overweight from pregnancies, I sabotaged EVERYTHING subconsciously. I was not happy. I dreaded each and every day. I hated waking  up. Everything was everyone else's fault and I was a victim of life. I get chills just thinking about it. It was horrible. I was surrounded by darkness! I attracted darkness and that in turn, attracted more. I really was stuck and I was so miserable. I had no idea why things were like this. I just believed that it was because I was a failure. I wasn't as good as anyone else. Life was supposed to be hard. I didn't deserve happiness... (And insert ANY negative belief you can imagine here... )

That was SUCH a painful time for me. I wondered why I didn't have any friends? I wondered why I dreaded going to church (but I could never admit that because God is perfect and He knows what is best..) (When in reality, I only saw God as I saw myself. I didn't know God. I thought I did. I DID feel his love and I did feel his peace when I would allow it in.. but my perception of his was SO skewed and so malformed.) I wondered why I couldn't do what everyone else could. I wondered what was wrong with me!?

Then, in April 2012, I was introduced to Emotional Release Processing. I had been introduced once before, right after Eamonn was born by my really good friend Alexis Fullmer, but I seriously thought it was SO dumb and SO weird. I disregarded it as crazy. I wasn't ready for it and apparently I hadn't learned all that I wanted to yet.

Emotional Release Processing is basically a way for us to go back to where our limiting beliefs began. A limiting belief may be, "I'm not good enough", "Life is supposed to be hard", etc. I'll give you an example. When I was 17 months old, my brother was born. Babies believe that EVERYTHING revolves around them and happens because of them. When Cam was born, I decided that I must not have been good enough, because mom and dad just had another baby and I apparently wasn't cutting it. So from then on, I carried the belief, "I'm not good enough". A belief is almost like putting on glasses that focuses on everything that proves that "I am not good enough" and disregards everything that shows otherwise. It's kind of like those beautiful women who are just gorgeous and they DON"T SEE IT! EVERYONE ELSE sees how beautiful they are, but all they see is, "I'm fat", "I'm not as pretty as _____.". Everyone else can see the truth, but because of her "glasses" or belief that she isn't good enough, she doesn't see it.

The first couple of sessions, I thought were SO weird. Seriously. I was like, What the hell is this? Is this ok? It kind of seemed like stuff that the church would oppose, but I was so wrong. I prayed and prayed and prayed to see if this was something that God saw as good. I told God that I would continue going, and if I received inspiration that this wasn't something good, I would stop. So I continued to be processed by Beckie Larsen (an angel. She is seriously an angel) and I saw results! It was AMAZING! It's like, I would work on a belief in an hour and a half process, and later that week, things would just come together. Slowly, I started to WANT to be alive! I WANTED to be around my kids, I WANTED to go to church. It's kind of like, when you go back in time and change something, the future changes. Through processing, I would go back and work with my 5 year old me or my 2 year old me, and I would see change in my present life.

A process is really cool thing, and it changed my life so much, I decided to go to school and learn to be a faciliator. It has been SO amazing! I had no idea that I was so amazing!! Before, I didn't go to school or do anything like that because I believed that I couldn't. I thought, I'm a mom. Moms stay at home with their kids. Well, that is actually just a belief that I had and now I have learned, that If I am happy and I am taking care of myself, I am a KICK ASS mom!! :) If you are interested in what a process actually contains, here is my school's website: Every 3rd Thursday in the month, they do a preview where a process is actually done on a someone in front of everyone. I also am facilitating right now so I can process other people. This can be done over the phone too, so if you are interested, let me know! Pam, the owner of  our school wrote a book about what a process is and how she got started. You can buy it here:

So as I started to see who I REALLY am, and get rid of all of these beliefs that were weighing me down, my life started to change. I am learning about who God REALLY is, and not who I saw him as. I am learning that my kids really are going through a lot more than I really understood before, and most of all, I am learning that I am in control of my life. I am NOT a victim of life. Everything that happens to me, I attract to me. At first I thought, no way. My bipolar and all of these things are NOT because of me. It's just life. It has been SO empowering to know that if I have created life the way it was, I can create life the way I want it.

*My bipolar is different from anyone else's condition. For me, processing and oils and a few other things have worked through the underlying issues for me. I am almost completely off my meds! I will be be completely off of them by the next couple of months. They were such a huge and wonderful blessing for me. For me, they were like a rung on a latter. They were there when I needed them and they assisted me in lifting myself up to where I am now.

My definition of Perfection is slowly changing. Last night at Outlook Training (A 90 day goal setting workshop) we learned to speak to our inner Guru. Basically, we contain ALL of the answers that we seek. I asked myself, "Why am I SO afraid of cold calling!? I am totally freaking out about it" and after taking a deep breath, and letting my sacred self, my all knowing part of me speak, I gave myself some amazing advice! I told myself that I am perfect exactly as I am. Life is JOURNEY. There is no destination. Even after we die, we will always be progressing. Perfection isn't a destination. Perfection is being. I elected to come to earth to learn and that is exactly what I am doing. My "flaws" really aren't flaws. My flaws are opportunities to see the real me and opportunities to love myself more.

Holy shit. I am amazing. I am so insightful!! haha So today, I have been focusing on basking in my "imperfections". I have felt SO irritable today and instead of getting mad at myself and hating myself, I choose to love me. I choose to say, wow. Why am I so irritable  And figure out the cause rather than looking at the outcome and getting mad at myself. I choose to be perfect today. I am perfect. YOU are perfect. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing in life. I choose to embrace both the light side and the dark side of me. I choose to love every single thing about me, and see those "flaws" as even more ways to love myself.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Getting better!

Thanks to prayers, I am soo grateful and glad to say we are slowly getting better. Jack is still getting suctioned out every day, but Eamonn's cold is gone and I have been able to actually get off the couch. 

Today I was able to do all of the dishes, bathe the boys, play with eamonn, make dinner, AND clean up afterwards. I seriously am so proud of myself! And more than anything, I am grateful that through the power of prayer and the priesthood, this has been made possible. :)

I am so grateful! 

Thank you!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Hanging in there..

I know that every post starts out like this, but it's true!

These last few months have really, really, REALLY been trying on our family! Sometimes I feel dumb for being such a baby because I know that there are people who are suffering more than I and probably look at my trials and think, "What a whimp!" But these struggles are legitimate for me!

Eamonn has been sick with a cold virus the last two weeks and despite my best efforts, Jack caught whatever he had. To make things better, he not only caught it, but it is RSV. We were in the ER two nights ago where they did chest x-rays sinus suctioning and all of that fun stuff. My poor babies. It is so hard for me to see them suffer. :(

For every complaint I put on here, I am going to put something I am grateful for:
My amazing husband and daddio were able to give Jack a beautiful priesthood blessing that increased my faith in my Savior's healing power and my Heavenly Father's wisdom and outlook on things that I do not understand.

Lately I have felt like crap. Not physically, but mentally. I have been so depressed. Every small task seems like a huge project. Bathing the kids, doing the dishes, grocery shopping, waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed! etc. I feel like I am not even able to enjoy these fleeting moments of Jack's infancy. We have spent a lot of time at the hospital lately getting Jack suctioned (two to three times a day) and without a fail someone tells me, "Enjoy every second of this! You are going to miss this believe it or not!" It's as if these so called "great moments" are mocking me. I really don't think that it is possible for me to be grateful for these moments right now. I am just too miserable.

------Mason just called-----
The song "marry me" by train was on the radio and he just held his phone up to the car speaker. I just let the tears stream down my face because all I could think of was this weekend when his parents took the kids. We went to the temple to do sealings and I really had such a renued understanding of the power of the temple and of the importance of temple marriage. It impacted me so much to realize that Mason and I are in this together no matter what the situation, difficult or triumphant. Even though at this point in our lives we are really under a lot of stress, we have eachother to lean on. That song playing really was a tender mercy. We had slow danced in our room in candle light a few weeks ago when I was feeling better so it really meant a lot to me to hear it and to know that Mason was thinking about me.

I am feeling a little bit better than when I started writing all of this...

Eamonn is finally in bed and Mason just left to get Jack suctioned so he can sleep. P.S. another tender mercy, Jack slept through the night last night! Well, from 10 or 11pm - 6am. I'll take it. :) When I firsts got back from the hospital, I was seriously high as a kite! I had never done so well in my entire life. My house was immaculate, I played with eamonn, I fed him nutritious meals, I made dinners, I brought dinners over to my friends who were struggling, I went to play group, I planned meals, price matched, did all of the things I LITERALLY never have been able to do, and I had done it all with ease. I was in such a positive mood, I felt like Joan Clever (or whatever her name is...)

I have dropped very, very low now. I have noticed that when I am doing well, my entire family does well. When I am struggling, my entire family does. Mason struggles when he comes home to a messy house, screaming kids, a smelly, overwhelmed, grouchy wife, and no dinner. Eamonn can sense the stress too and has seriously turned into something I have never thought I would ever see in my sweet innocent angel. He is hitting, he is screaming, he is throwing himself on the ground at EVERY little thing. I really can't handle it. I have no patience for myself, not to mention this kid! and THAT is exactly what I am talking about with the whole missing out thing. Because I am so depressed and so overwhelmed, and he is teething (getting molars), sick, has a new brother, just stayed the weekend at a very spoiling grandma and grandpa's, it just has not been a good match!

On top of all of this JUNK, jack has gotten really sick! It really has just added up and added up. I want to pull my hair out and go jump of a freaking cliff! I know that God knows all, that now is a trial period in my life, and that I need to hold onto my faith. Sometimes it's just difficult not to doubt. It's difficult not to worry about how in the heck we are going to pay for all of the MORE medical bills that are accumulating on top of the delivery with these sick kids, what the smell is coming from our new van, how to have patience and understanding towards my toddler, etc.

O.K., now time for the gratefuls:
-Mason has a good, steady income that we can rely on to support us.
-We have medical insurance! So it could be worse. We are so blessed to be able to pay for the medical care we have received.
-We have modern medicine! If anything was to happen to Jack, the ambulance is just a phone call away! AND I am able to take mood stabilizers. This could be MUCH worse if I didn't meds.
-We have a van that we drive that takes us wherever we need (It even has a door that opens all by itself! yay!)
-We have an ABUNDANCE of support and love from friends and family. They are willing to help and care for us during our times of need.
-We have an eternal perspective. That to me is the most important. I can take a step back and know that all of this is in God's hands. He is in control. What a relief to know that, yet at the same time, what a pain because I want things done my way! ;)
-I have an eternal family
-I know my Savior and Heavenly Father personally and know that they know and love me.
-Prayer and scripture study get me through the day every day and I am grateful for those.
-We are healthy (nothing TOO fatal, just the crazies and RSV)

When upon lives billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost. Count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done!

If you are reading this, I would really appreciate your prayers. I know the Lord has His own will, but He still has unseen blessings that we may receive if there is enough faith, and if we will ask.

Like I said. This is a trying time for us and we might seem like pansies to others, but nonetheless, we would appreciate it.

Now, for more positives... PICTURES!

Eamonn, Feeding Abbie and Lucky! He drives me nuts because he is constantly throwing his food on the ground. If I didn't hate animals so much, I would get a dog,  JUST for this nice vacuuming feature!

Daddy and Jack Jack right after Jack's first bath at home.

First we bathed Eamonn, got him all lotioned up and everything, then we bathed Jack. All of the sudden I hear Mason giggling and I turn around and this is what we found. I guess we'll learn to drain the tub next time. lol

Oh, just havin' fun in the tub... what a stink! Seriously, this one keeps me on my toes!

Daddy's mission suit continued. I TRY (but don't always succeed) to get pics of the boys in daddy's mission suit   every so often until they're nineteen. :) We'll see how I keep up on it. 

Jack doesn't seem to pleased at this idea...

This is our makeshift nursery for Jack. It is our office, but for now it works! Daddy tries to read to Eamonn and Jack every night before bed. This was before they started getting sick. Now we just shove them in their beds. They're lucky if they are in their PJ's now! lol

Aunt Kathie saved our lives one night. She just so happened to come to our house on a night where we were pushed to our limits and dinner was not made. She ended up buying us burger king! It was JUST what the doctor ordered! Heavenly Father sent us our Aunt Kathie on purpose!

Eamonn CANNOT eat a meal without making a HUGE HUGE HUGE mess. This doesn't even show the floor which is officially ruined now. I was SOO tempted the other day to just start ripping up the carpet. I would like to PUNCH the genius who decided to put carpet in the kitchen and bathroom. Seriously.

Eamonn sometimes gets curious about this little "thing" that has inhabited our home. On our fourth or so day home, I got Eamonn up in the morning and we started the day as usual. All of the sudden, Jack started crying and Eamonn had this face of sheer terror. It was hilarious. It was literally a face of  "HE'S still here?!"

Finally hold enough to appreciate the snow! Please note the slimey  spit coming out of his mouth. :( Poor kid is teething.

So amazed by this "snow" stuff!

Amanda White's little baby girl. (One of them.. Cambria I believe..) So dainty and so darn obedient! She was nicely sitting on the porch waiting for her mommy to put her in the car. I am deep down hoping that they get a spit fire hellion like I have! ;)

Not the most flattering pic of Jack, BUT I wanted to show his thrush. It is SOOO bad in his mouth! Poor baby!

My tupperware all over the house.... the culprit found.

hahah I can't help but giggle at this little scavenger!

Checking out Jack. One of the few moments! I was soo glad to have my camera near by!

My sweet little Eamonn! Such a cheeser!

Snuggling up after bath time!

Mace and My date night at the "Star of India" restaurant in SLC

An authentic, cool little restaurant...

After a long car ride home, we went to get Eamonn out of the car, and this is what we found. hahahahah obviously he was sick of listening to us sing to the radio or something!

This is what I found today. Eamonn has been a complete picky eater lately. He will not eat ANYTHING!!! He chucks it all off the side of his high chair. It got kind of quiet and I went to check on Eamonn... this is what I found. I guess he just got too hungry and decided to eat peanut butter instead. All I could do was laugh and stick him in the bath tub.

Any left in there?

I think I got some on my hand... hmmmm..

I can't help but love this little guy, even though he tries my patience!

Getting ready to get into the bathtub!

Our precious baby Jack. We love him so much.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Family Photos By Sveta Nikiforova

We got our family pictures taken this last week and wow did they turn out great! I have been looking at other peoples blogs and they really are just a lot better if there are pictures. I get too bored with all of the writing. The Girl who took them is my ex-boyfriends wife. I know, kinda crazy, but I mean he dated me so that must mean that his wife is absolutely adorable right?! lol and truth is, she is more than that! They are both from Russia and working and getting an education here. Sveta (the photographer) is so amazing. I guess you'll see for yourself because a picture is worth a thousand words and obviously I can't even say that much about how much we loved the opportunity to work with her. I don't want to seem all commercial or anything like that, but I really do recommend her to anyone. They are young college students also so I KNOW they would appreciate the extra income. :) I know I would. lol Anyways. ..

Things lately in my life. Eamonn is sleeping right now which is a treat. :) He has been sick with some sort of virus that antibiotics can't cure. We took him  to the dr. and he said to keep him as far away from Jack as possible, because if Jack is to run anysort of fever, to bring to to the E.R. Again, the angels in my ward have really stepped up to help me. (I am so blessed to live here. Seriously.) Carla Moulder took Jack for 5 HOURS! and Eamonn for a couple while I went to the dr. to get my incision checked. And today, Loni Daniels has Jack Jack for me. Ugh I can't even explain how grateful I am for the relief society and the women in it.

Anyways, I will let you get to looking at our pictures. Here is a link to Sveta's FB page:
Also, here is her email and website:

These are some of our Newborn/Family pictures! Sveta (My ex-boyfriends wife.. lol) Took them for us. We were so excited because she was so sweet and willing to work with us financially, and especially because she has SUCH a beautiful eye for art.
Probably the best photo we got as a family. Ok, so I think i look good and that is all that matters. lol Mason looks incredible and Eamonn just looks Dopey. haha ah well.
These ones with me and Jack turned out GORGEOUS! It really is amazing how much you love your children. After all that sacrifice, how could I not?!
This LOOKS like a precious moment, but I really do not know how she got this picture. Eamonn could not sit still for a second! I know that he loves his little brother deep down, he just doesn't know it quite yet.
This one, we tried to make it look like he was chilling in the hot tub. 
This one has his name on it! :)
I LOVE this picture. Mostly because mason looks SO handsome. Such a strong jaw line. ow ow! I feel bad though cause it looks like I am strangling Jack Jack. 
Even after the kidlets, we still got it!
We make a pretty cute couple if I do say so myself. I really, truly love my husband, despite what I might say on this blog sometimes. We really are best friends. (Corny, I know, but it is true!)
Admiring my work. I did a good job if I do say so myself!

By this time, Jack had had it. No more being naked, no more bows, no more brothers poking him in the eye.. etc.

This is one of my favorites. Ditto to what i said before, but it also show his LOOOONG Chicken legs!Seriously, I have not seen a baby with such long legs! 

This really captures the essence of protection that only a father can give to his children. I.Love.It.

Still can't get Eamonn to look at the camera. To tell you the truth, I am a little self conscious of this pic because obvioiusly it was only 3 weeks after having a baby and the weight hasn't come off yet. Please also notice Mason. Really?! It's a miracle he hangs on to me. what a stud.

Typical. That's all I have to say.

This picture right here is the absolute story of our lives. It's almost  shows "Love got us into this mess, and love will get us through." Sometimes I ask myself.. "What were we thinking!? But we know that in the end, The Lord knows what will bring us the most happiness in this life, and if we have the faith to follow that, we will be the happiest. I have seen it over and over and over again in my life. That doesn't mean that I don't want to give up, drop the kids off at the orphanage or the city pound, and move to Jamaica at times though... lol

Eamonn running away from us with the broom. We couldn't get him to take anymore pictures after he found it.  So Sveta took advantage and took this picture. I think it shows his little personality. 

Eamonn loves his brother deep down inside... haha but for right now, he just gets in his way!

We could NOT get Eamonn to smile for the life of us!...

Still not...

Getting there...

They really are best buds. Mace is SOOO Proud of his boys! He keeps saying that the odds of us having a boy that plays football are growing and that to him is priceless! 

I'm starting to see a pattern here.. WTF?! All of his smiley pics are with Mason! Ah well. By the end of the day, I'd rather him be best buddies with daddy anyways. lol

But when we FINALLY got a few pictures of him smiling and being that darling charmer we know him to be, the pictures turned out pretty darn cute! (Even though we think so even when he wouldn't smile.. it just shows his little stinker side to him!)

Sveta Really did an amazing job showing how much love a mother has for her infant. Being a mom can be so very difficult at times, but I would not give it up for the world. I am so blessed to have these little spirits in our home.

Jack was our Valentines day baby! He really was an emblem of our love and mine and  Mason's relationship blossomed after Jack came into our family.

This is the blanket we brought Jack home in. I made it for him in a hurry. I did the whole thing in two days because we knew he would be coming early.  :) I was so happy to bring him home in it!

This is the ring Mason got for me. Every time we have a baby, Mace buys me a ring that signifies the birth of the baby. This one is amythest (Feb. birthstone) with the big heart (mommy) and the little heart (Jack). The heart represents Valentines day, because that was when he was born!

Anyways, Even though the pictures are corny and make it seem like life is so darn fun and always peaches and roses, I want you to know that it is not! It is hard! But it is well worth it. It is the little moments that make it worth it. 

Holding hands with your best friend always knowing that he wants to hold yours too...

Cuddling, Caressing, Kissing and Loving on your husband :)

Leaning in to Eamonn saying, "Kissees?" and having him lean in and return the favor...

Watching Eamonn run around in his diaper, babbling to himself. 

Hearing those squeaks that only a newborn makes as they wake up and stretch out..

Singing Hymns and Primary songs to your baby as your snuggle him and rock him to sleep...

This is da life! Crazy, insane, tiring, irritating, splendid, exasperating, exhilarating, exhausting, and amazing.