Wishing...

I wish I could be optimistic and happy all the time. Ugh. I have really been struggling lately. I have no motivation to do anything, but that also could be because my prozac ran out. The thing is, I definitely have to choose the lesser of two evils... manic or depressive. With Prozac it shoots me up into manic (but it's a really small dose so it's definitely not as bad as it used to be) and without it I feel like doing nothing. A bump on a log.
Prozac Pros:
- Get more done around the house..
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I kind of hesitate putting this up here. I don't really want everyone looking into my life like this... I want to quit. I think it's good for others to see other peoples struggles but at the same time, I don't want pity. I have to go through what I have to go through. I don't want people treating me any different. Yah, I'm crazy at times, but this to me is normal. This is what I go through on a daily basis. It's what others don't see when they look at me. I don't want others to take a peek into my mind and treat me like someone different. I am me. This is me. I have always been me, before I started this blog and started showing people little pieces into my life, this is what I do and what I've done. I don't know. Like I said, I don't want to be defined by my trials or bipolar.

Ok. I've gotta go. Eamonn has a poopy bum and is trying to bang on the laptop as we speak.

Eamonn is now in the bath and I am in the bathroom with my laptop. f.y.i.

I am so frustrated though. My mind is bouncing around. I hesitate putting this up here. This is my life, and I don't know what I think about letting everyone see it. But then again, I don't want to have to kind of blog that is like.. My life is awesome. I have no trials. I love my husband. our family is perfect. blahbity blah blah.

Eamonn's diaper just exploded everywhere and those damn beady things just spilled out all over the couch. laksdjldskfjlka. Also, I was really sick this morning and Mason had to go to work so I am carless... and Eamonn? He is diaperless. I am going to run next door to Kaylee's to see if she'll let me steal some diapers. I'm grateful to have her. She is really quarky and I love that about her. What you see is what you get. She's my kind of gal.

As I write, my mind is racing. analyzing ever single detail on everysingle everything. What are people going to think of this? Is it rude that I said that Kaylee is quarky? ... lol. Sounds silly when I say it outloud. and I would love to portray myself as an always confident, smart, amazing person. . . . but I'm not. unfortunately. I wish I could be a rolemodel to others, showing them the importance of loving ourselves and loving our trials... but I'm not. I guess it's just an up and down thing. Just like my life. Sometimes I'm on top of the world, sometimes i'm in the pits of hell. On a scale of top of the world and pits of hell.. i would say I am ... probably chillin' in Satan's attick. so not quite in the pits of hell.. still there... satan that damn idiot is there, but I am in his attic. Pros? attics are higher than pits, so that's good.. and also, attics tend to be drafty and cool, which would be a nice thing in hell.

Compared to how I was in CHile, or at postpartum, I am doing well... or am I? I just don't know. I don't know what I know anymore. I feel like I can't say what I am thinking because I really don't want judgements. But that Is kind of what I get if I stick this out there for the world to see. Why am I still writing then? umm... because it feels good to get these things out of here. To vomit my emotions and see things as I see them.. to be able to understand myself better. To maybe let others see that as much as everyone else around them pretends that life is a bed of roses... that that bed of roses still has thorns and thistles down below the blossoms... That on the outside we all may seem so happy and beautiful and perfect and wonderful and all of those stupid adjectives that are so stupidly stupid.

Wow. ok. I am done now. I am going to go write in my journal where I don't have to feel like I'm out there for the world to see.. where I can cuss and say damn shit hell and all of the swear words I want without thinking that there are people in my ward that reads this... and I sit next to them in sacrament, and I teach their kids on Sunday. but you know what? no one's perfect. if you think you are then you are an effing idiot. The most perfect person to have ever walked this earth loves me just how I am. He IS perfect. He didn't have to pretend. AND even as perfect as He was, He was hanging out with us sinners and us sickos. so ha.

lol enough is enough. I really am done now, or so I say. My mind is still racing, but Eamonn's tub water is getting cold... but I just can't stop writing. but i need to. but I don't want to. so don't tell me what to do. oh wait. there is proof that I am a psycho cause I have internal fights with my brain. Go ahead and judge. I'm psycho. But I am loved still. I still have an amazing husband who sees way way WAY more than I show everyone else... and I have a baby who thinks that I hung the moon and stars. and.. I have another baby who I am sacraficing everything for. especially my sanity. She loves me just the way I am. She loves me especially the way I am because I am doing this for her.

I am really going now.

loveyouall.

-crazy brained lauren.