I went to the Dr. Yesterday to see about altering my meds. Dr. Griffin thinks that Depakote will be good. It will help calm the mania that is constantly racing through my brain. The bad news is that it could hurt the baby. We are praying about it today.
These are the things I have to tell myself and eventually come to know for myself:
- The Lord's will, will not be frustrated!
- He has the Power to do anything. Even protect my baby from high odds of liver and spinal defects.
Maybe I'm cutting off my nose despite my face.
My natural impulse is to suffer anything to protect my child. Even if it means mental anguish. But the truth is, I do have the tendency to believe that I can and should be able to carry too large of burdens or do more than is required. Most of the times to the point that I am suffereing unnessarily and all I have to do is cast my burdens of the Lord.
I'm Just scared.
I also really don't know what is the right thing to do.
I guess the first step is to open my mind and heart to either possibility:
- Take the meds
- Don't take the Meds.
What if I mess up? What if I ruin this baby and it is all my fault?
Somtimes I wish I could have normal pregnancies.
Somedays I wish I'd never hav to go through this, that I could just stop existing.
Somedays, (like yesterday) the mental anquish as almost too much to bear.
I am angry with God. I hate that he has made me go through this. I hate him and feel completely abandoned.
Yet, I remember, in a tiny crevice of my sould, buried beneath all of my sorrow and pain, what it must be like to be Heavenly Father.
I bet it's like when I take Eamonn to the doctor to get his shots. He does not understand that the pain is but a brief moment. To him? NO. he is only a year old! Time is a concept beyond his grasp. All he feels is the pain of the here and now. He doesnt' understand that these shots are preparing him for the future; making him stronger in order to face any sickness that may cross his path. Sickness that would bring more pain and suffering than this brief in time.
He also does not see me, his mom, trying to suppress tears. I know that he is in pain and it breaks me to see him cry. To not understand why I would ever take him to this unknown place, only to feel pain. Not knowing why I would ever let him suffer.
The truth is, I do it becasue I love him. Because I have so much more experience than him If I were to let him do exactly what he wanted, he would be playing with power outlest and splashing in the toilet all day long. The thing I love about Eamonn, is that he trust me. I am his mommy. He knows that I will always be there for him.
I am an imperfect parent. My father in Heaven is not.
I will sumit myself to his will, he knows what is best for me.
I feel so much peace right now. I still don't know what is the right thing to do , but I have faith and I have hope that the Lord knows what is best. He knows me. He knows how I work and think. He is not going to let me make a wrong decision because I have faith in Him. No parent would do that, and especially not my perfect, all knowing Heavenly Father.