I LOVE being a mom.

Scary thing I did today and will NEVER do again.

I stuck him in the bath while I was checking my emails for work. Forgot that the water was running, RAN into the bathroom. The water was pretty high. ALOT higher than I EVER put in.. and it hit me that I could have:
    A. completely forgot about the water and let it overflow. He wouldn’t be able to scream or cry to tell me that he was drowning. It really hit me hard.
    B. He could have slipped under for just a few seconds, letting water fill his precious little lungs and again, I wouldn’t have heard him.
I thank my Heavenly Father for watching my baby, especially while I was being so negligent. I pray that I will use my brain a little bit more, not be so selfish, and really truly think about the respobsiblity that I have as a mom to nurture and protect  the little life that God has placed in my care.

He is such an angel and I really don’t think I understand how much he means to me at times. I read this blog the other day, and it hit me how much I take for granted. I am so blessed and I really want to cherish every second I have with Eamonn. Especially because he is not going to be so small and innocent for long.

Every stage he is in automatically becomes my favorite. Every naughty thing he does makes me giggle and especially makes me happy to be a mommy. The Lord has truly blessed me with the opportunity and responsibility to be a mom. It is the best decision i have ever made. I am excited to once again hold my newest little spirit in my arms. I know that she has been following me and lifting me up while in Heaven and it is now my turn to do the same for her.

I need to get back to work, but I couldn’t just let these overwhelming feelings pass me by. I really wanted to document them and write them down.

I love being a mom. I can’t get over how much I love Eamonn. I really think that I was made to be a mom. I love every little bit of it. I think I am still in the honeymoon stage with him though. ;) he still doesn’t throw that many fits, and when he does, they are minor and quite humorous. He can’t back talk. All he does is explore, explore, explore. He also chats to himself while doing so. I probably smile atleast twenty times a day due to his cuteness. I just can’t get over it.

Doggy problems. asjldkfjsaldkfjlsdkjf

So, my neighbors have a dog, rambo, that is constantly barking. He really has gotten better now that we've talked tto them a thousand times, and it's really awkward at times walking outside and seeing them glare us down, and at first, it really bothered me! I felt so bad for causing problems with our neighbors! I wanted to have a good relationship with them seeing as though we have a 30 yr. mortgage and so do they... lol.

At the begining when we first moved in, I didn't say anything becuase I didn't want to offend them. Then after a year and a baby later, things started changing... I now not only had to deal with a dog barking constantly, but he was waking Eamonn up from naps. I would literally sit in my room and sob becuase I didn't know what to do. I know that Christ is a peacemaker and loving person. He soothes contention and it does not flourish in His presence, but when is too much too much? After you go to school at six a.m. in the morning, work all day and finally have a few minutes to lay down and take a nap only to have the neighbors dog bark at every car that passes, waking your baby up and not allowing you to nap? Stressing out all day and FINALLY having a moment of peace with a baby down for a nap, only to have the neighbors sit and chat in their car on the phone while their dog barks at them for 45  minutes straight?

It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I went over and asked them to keep their dog quiet, and all they said? he's a dog, he's going to bark. I went home and bawled. This was literally becoming a mental burden on me. Finally one day.. I snapped. I called animal control. They ended up leaving a notice on the neighbors' door saying that someone had called animal control. A few hours later, a fuming neighbor is standing on my porch yelling at me for being impatient and inconsiderate. At times, I would yell right back at her, and then other moments i would try to understand her and see where she might be coming from. Ugh. I hate trying to deal with other people. I just tell myself that one day, I will be a God, and I will have infinite amounts of children. Odds are, one of them is going to be like my neighbor so I'd better learn to love and accept this person now. Also, I kept on trying to tell myself, who am I to judge another? We worked it out that she would feed the dog one time in the morning to reduce the barking. It worked for a day or two. Then it's almost as if they forgot that we had even had worked out a "solution"

Ugh. Blogs are extremely therapeutic. I am feeling a little more calm about this... Anyways, after time and time again of trying to be understanding, I got to the point where I realized. Why in the heck am I working so hard to be understanding and not offending? They could care less about being courteous.

I am just so frustrated right now.

What a pain.

I'm already going through so much.. why me? Why do I have to deal with such rude people!? I am being completely walked on in this situation. Atleast that is how I am feeling. Most people would probably look at this and think that causing problems with a neighbor and ward member is not worth it, and at times I start to wonder myself. Is this worth it?

Last night at eleven thirty Rambo sat and barked while the neighbors came home from whatever they were doing.

Six a.m. this morning, rambo barked at who knows what waking me up from a very brief, pregnancy sleep, and I couldn't fall back to sleep until about five minutes from when I needed to wake up and trudge out the door to school.

Every morning around seven thirty when our neighbors leave for work, Rambo barks the entire time they feed him, she gets into her car, and drives away. Rambo then gets rowled up and barks at every school kid who passes to get to school. All the while I am sitting in my bed contemplating murder or suicide. 

Eleven thirty to noon today, Rambo sat and barked at the neighbor's teenage son who sat in his car talking on the phone. THIRTY MINUTES OF BARKING. He didn't even have the decency to tell rambo to be quiet, or take him in the house!!! I snapped. I lost it. I went outside with my camera phone and recorded Rambo barking. When the kid saw what I was doing he pulled out of the driveway and asked me. I told him I was recording his DAMN dog barking so that when I took him to court, I would have proof. I know. Really and truly not some of my best moments. I even said damn. How innapropriate of me. But really? REALLY?

I didn't even mention that mason and I saved up fifty bucks to buy a birdhouse thing that lets out a high pitched noise everytime the dog barks which SHOULD deter him from barking. It worked the first two weeks and I was in heaven. It was amazing. Then, he became immune and it didn't work anymore.

I again, can't even tell you how annoyed and angry I am. I won't include some of the rantings that she gave me the few times she came over to my house to get mad at me for calling animal control on her dog. I just want to get my feelings out, not turn people against our neighbors. Although I sometimes feel I hate their living guts, and it pisses me off how inconsiderate they are, I do know that they are people. They are not perfect. They too have their own struggles. It's just hard trying to deal with people. It's hard finding the balance between peacemaker and floormat. Where is the balance? Am I too sensitive? Is what they are saying really true? Am I really just out to cause problems? I just don't know anymore.

I ended up calling animal control again today. Officer Swenson pretty much knows me by name and I he. He wasn't very happy to hear me calling. He kind of was upset with me for calling (or so I felt) but what am i to do? Talking to them doesn't work, reasoning, bribery with cookies, brownies, etc. doesn't work... jaslkjdfslkajdflkaj  I really need some advice from all ten readers.. lol. What DO I DO? He said that he was coming over today to work this out and that he is going to just take their dog away and we can battle it out in court.

That just doesn't seem right to me. It just doesn't seem Christian or Christlike. Why does the barking drive me insane so much? Disclamer: the dog is MAYBE six feet away from our bedroom, Eamonn's bedroom, and living room windows. At nights, in order to keep it cool in the house and to keep the swamp cooler running, we have to keep the windows open. That helps nothing at all.

I need some advice. I need some experienced wisdom, I need some understanding I need some patience.

Motherhood:-An-Eternal-Partnership

I cry everytime I watch this. I love being a mom and am grateful to know that the angels in heaven are supporting me and helping me through.
Motherhood:-An-Eternal-Partnership

Why am I always the responsible one?

Ugh. What I wouldn't give to be careless and clueless!

I am sick of constantly trying to manage our lives and keep them somewhat organized.

I have married my one true love and my best friend. the only thing is, we are like two different puzzle pieces. Completely opposite and different yet perfectly matched.

I am the responsible, think ahead, let's not spend all of our money on junk that would be cool to have right away. I am the delayed gratification and Mason is the instant gratification.

I am glad to have him when I am running a thousand miles a second and he helps me to see the beauty around me. I am glad to have him when he is patient with MY flaws. The feelings are not reciprocated the other way around however.

Logically, I know that I would've murdered Mason in his sleep long ago if we were just alike... if he was the know it all that always has to be right, the bossy cow, the mover and the shaker, the let's set goals and achieve them kind of guy. Yet I am also contemplating murder with my complete opposite as we speak.

Life is great when I am the one who needs him. When I am the one who needs patience and tolerance. Again, not the other way around! He is the patient one and I loathe him for it. I hate that I can be the biggest brat, telling him to never speak to me again because... who knows, a fly landed on my shoe and I didn't like it... yet, he laughs or smiles and walks away. Really!? REAlly!? No one should have that much patience. NO ONE. well, except for Jesus of course, but Mason is so far from Jesus, so he should not have that much patience.

I always tell mace that he is the patient one, I am the bossy one. When he asks me to have more patience with him I inform him that he is the patient one.

I wish I had more patience, yet I don't because no one like gaining and growing patience. I have no patience for it, so I guess mace can just keep all of his stupid patience.

Back to my original rantings. I hate being the responsible one. If I was to say, hey mace, let's go to las vegas tonight and stay in a hotel for a few days and leave Eamonn with my mom or whoever, he would be down in a heartbeat. Knowing full and well that we are preparing for a baby, trying to pay of our debt, and trying to be fiscally responsible. UGH! He would drop his responsibilities in two seconds flat if he thought that I'd suggest it. The other day, he suggested we go out to dinner (although it was not date night, and although we had bills to pay etc.). I told him, "you know what babe? You decide. Whatever you choose to do, I'll follow. You take the lead on this one. He then got this look on his face of annoyance and was like, "no! cause I want you to be responsible not me!" lol. He was dead serious.

Side note... as I am writing, Eamonn is throwing green beans over the side of his high chair, watching the cause and effects of dropping things off the endless abyss of high chairness. I'm guessing he's done.  It's a good thing the Lord gave me a sense of humor and such a cute little baby.... At times like these, it's always Eamonn and only Eamonn that can put a smile on my face. lol. what a stink.


Ok. so I just got back from helping Mason replace the brake pads on our car. in order to relieve some frustrations, while he was filling up the brake fluid under the hood, I honked to horn loud and clear for him. mwaha. I feel better now. Amazing what a little maliciousness will do to a grumpy attitude. I guess I would rather be me than him. I would never ever ever want to deal with me.

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NEW SUBJECT.... 

Eamonn's birthday party went really well.. I will probably never do a bbq or anything like that ever again though. Too much work, too much money. It's way easier to just say, come over for cupcakes and ice cream.  Way cheaper too! I was so gunghoe about putting on an amazing bday party for my one year old who will neveer remember. lol how dumb. It was really fun though. Thanks to Mason and a lot of life lessons, I have learned that things aren't perfect. I ended up going to the party with no make up, the chicken wasn't cooked until sometime after everyone got there... my house was a mess, and my darling poop head child decided that he didn't want to wait for his birthday cake. He wanted to reach up onto his high chair and pull down five or six cupcakes to eat ahead of time and smash into the carpet. lol He also decided to reach up onto the table to find some of my medication and eat that too. Poison control was called (everything was fine.. he was just a little cranky) and pictures were taken of my little mischief maker's cupcake pre-party. lol

After everything though, I was not emberassed completely that my house looked like sasquach had run through it with a stick of dynamite, because everyone who came were my friends. They know me, they love me, and I am grateful. :) After the party, my personal angels (amanda and courtney) stayed after to help me clean the house. Not just some dishes and vacuuming, they went through the ENTIRE house. From top to bottom, every room, every corner, every everything! I am proud to say that I am sitting in a beautifully clean home right now. I love it. They also stayed up with me until 3 or 4 am doing all of my laundry. We took it all... ALL (almost every piece of fabric in the house.. towels, clothes, you name it) to a 24 hour laundromat. It was so fun. Not only were all of my stresses being washed away one sock at a time, we all bonded. :) We talked and talked and talked and talked.

It's so nice to have friends who I can just be myself with. Ones who I can say um.. I ate 40 lbs. of chile for breakfast, so here are clothespins for everyone.. and still have them love me regardless. lol Ones who I can say, yah, sometimes I relate to the poor crazy lady who drowned her kids, and have them understand and laugh along with me. Ones who I know I can confide in and not have to worry that they are going to call everyone we know with all of my personal, gruesome secrets! Ones who are going through the same things I am. Being a wife, being a mom, being crazy. yattah yattah yattah.

Anyways. Eamonn is in the bathtub right now, although I tease, I really would rather him not drown in the tub. Even though he is a stessful little thing, I would rather have him than not ;)

Peace out world.

Wishing...

I wish I could be optimistic and happy all the time. Ugh. I have really been struggling lately. I have no motivation to do anything, but that also could be because my prozac ran out. The thing is, I definitely have to choose the lesser of two evils... manic or depressive. With Prozac it shoots me up into manic (but it's a really small dose so it's definitely not as bad as it used to be) and without it I feel like doing nothing. A bump on a log.
Prozac Pros:
- Get more done around the house..
blah blha basdljflsdjf sdkfj aslkfdjas;dflkjas dflksjd ;alj a;sldkfj jdskla;lskdjf ;

I kind of hesitate putting this up here. I don't really want everyone looking into my life like this... I want to quit. I think it's good for others to see other peoples struggles but at the same time, I don't want pity. I have to go through what I have to go through. I don't want people treating me any different. Yah, I'm crazy at times, but this to me is normal. This is what I go through on a daily basis. It's what others don't see when they look at me. I don't want others to take a peek into my mind and treat me like someone different. I am me. This is me. I have always been me, before I started this blog and started showing people little pieces into my life, this is what I do and what I've done. I don't know. Like I said, I don't want to be defined by my trials or bipolar.

Ok. I've gotta go. Eamonn has a poopy bum and is trying to bang on the laptop as we speak.

Eamonn is now in the bath and I am in the bathroom with my laptop. f.y.i.

I am so frustrated though. My mind is bouncing around. I hesitate putting this up here. This is my life, and I don't know what I think about letting everyone see it. But then again, I don't want to have to kind of blog that is like.. My life is awesome. I have no trials. I love my husband. our family is perfect. blahbity blah blah.

Eamonn's diaper just exploded everywhere and those damn beady things just spilled out all over the couch. laksdjldskfjlka. Also, I was really sick this morning and Mason had to go to work so I am carless... and Eamonn? He is diaperless. I am going to run next door to Kaylee's to see if she'll let me steal some diapers. I'm grateful to have her. She is really quarky and I love that about her. What you see is what you get. She's my kind of gal.

As I write, my mind is racing. analyzing ever single detail on everysingle everything. What are people going to think of this? Is it rude that I said that Kaylee is quarky? ... lol. Sounds silly when I say it outloud. and I would love to portray myself as an always confident, smart, amazing person. . . . but I'm not. unfortunately. I wish I could be a rolemodel to others, showing them the importance of loving ourselves and loving our trials... but I'm not. I guess it's just an up and down thing. Just like my life. Sometimes I'm on top of the world, sometimes i'm in the pits of hell. On a scale of top of the world and pits of hell.. i would say I am ... probably chillin' in Satan's attick. so not quite in the pits of hell.. still there... satan that damn idiot is there, but I am in his attic. Pros? attics are higher than pits, so that's good.. and also, attics tend to be drafty and cool, which would be a nice thing in hell.

Compared to how I was in CHile, or at postpartum, I am doing well... or am I? I just don't know. I don't know what I know anymore. I feel like I can't say what I am thinking because I really don't want judgements. But that Is kind of what I get if I stick this out there for the world to see. Why am I still writing then? umm... because it feels good to get these things out of here. To vomit my emotions and see things as I see them.. to be able to understand myself better. To maybe let others see that as much as everyone else around them pretends that life is a bed of roses... that that bed of roses still has thorns and thistles down below the blossoms... That on the outside we all may seem so happy and beautiful and perfect and wonderful and all of those stupid adjectives that are so stupidly stupid.

Wow. ok. I am done now. I am going to go write in my journal where I don't have to feel like I'm out there for the world to see.. where I can cuss and say damn shit hell and all of the swear words I want without thinking that there are people in my ward that reads this... and I sit next to them in sacrament, and I teach their kids on Sunday. but you know what? no one's perfect. if you think you are then you are an effing idiot. The most perfect person to have ever walked this earth loves me just how I am. He IS perfect. He didn't have to pretend. AND even as perfect as He was, He was hanging out with us sinners and us sickos. so ha.

lol enough is enough. I really am done now, or so I say. My mind is still racing, but Eamonn's tub water is getting cold... but I just can't stop writing. but i need to. but I don't want to. so don't tell me what to do. oh wait. there is proof that I am a psycho cause I have internal fights with my brain. Go ahead and judge. I'm psycho. But I am loved still. I still have an amazing husband who sees way way WAY more than I show everyone else... and I have a baby who thinks that I hung the moon and stars. and.. I have another baby who I am sacraficing everything for. especially my sanity. She loves me just the way I am. She loves me especially the way I am because I am doing this for her.

I am really going now.

loveyouall.

-crazy brained lauren.

Eamonn's birthday

Eamonn's Birthday is on Saturday. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but I'm trying to tell myself that perfect doesn't matter. I'm trying to think of the cheapest ways to feed people and to entertain, but so many things you would have never thought of go into a party.. like.. chairs? plates? utinsels? cups? drinks? condiments? cake vs. cupcakes, how many people? You invite one person and you have to invite someone else because they'll find out that they weren't invited! But at the same time, we can't afford to feed all fifteen hundred of my facebook friends... sooo uhh.. yah. Ah well.

For Eamonn's birthday Mace and I bought him a swing to put up in the back yard, hanging down from the big tree that drops leaves everywhere. The catch? It's pink. Lol. It was either a blue boyish one for twenty five dollars, or a pink clearance one for seven. Needless to say, if Eamonn grows up with gender identity issues, we'll blame it on our cheap ways and his gay, pink swing.

Eamonn is already going to be one and I just can't believe it! I can at the same time.. Time moved SO slow the first five months or so of his life due to my horrendous postpartum, but since then, it has zoomed. Everyday I am AMAZED at how much he is growing and developing! He is such a curious little boy. As we speak he is eating the curtains and standing up on an old huggies  box. He is always wanting to know what makes this turn? what happens when I drop this? when I bang on this what noise does it make? When I play in the garbage can, eat power cords, bang on the laptop, and play with power outlets I get funny reactions from mommy... He keeps himself really entertained though and it's nice because I can usually get a lot done with him. He just does his own thing, playing with random objects and nick nacks, etc. He is an abnormally good baby and it really makes me nervous. Is there such thing as getting two good babies? Or is the Lord trying to trick me into thinking that all babies are good, (for the most part) obedient, self sufficient babies so I'll have more? Eamonn's personality is A LOT like Mason's. Very laid back, very content, very happy. What if this next baby is like me? I'm not a bad person, but I am stubborn and persistent. My mom said that she is amazed at how well Eamonn obeys for the most part because NONE of us were like that. We all did the opposite of whatever she would try to get us to do. We looked for trouble. gulp. Ah well.. I turned out pretty well and I guess we'll just take each little spirit as they come. ;)

Discovering leaves. What happens when I shake them? What happens if I put them in my mouth? (I usually don't care if Eamonn has sticks or leaves or anything like that in his mouth... my motto: God made the dirt, and dirt don't hurt. lol)

Figuring out what happens when you bang the stroller with a stick...

Funny things that Eamonn does:

- Eamonn is our Parrot. He repeats EVERYTHING EVERYTHING he hears. A car passing, a scream on a movie, a bird tweet, the microwave, a dog barking, a cough or sneeze, a laugh, you name it, he mimics it. It's pretty funny because a lot of times I don't hear or even notice the sounds he does and I have to take a step back and think of what he might be trying to imitate. Mason claims that Eamonn can say "I love you" sometimes, but I've never heard it. lol

- My family has a joke that when I was a baby, I could've made a mess out of and m&m. A tiny m&m would result in chocolate in places they didn't know existed. That is the story of Eamonn's life. It doesn't matter what it is, it results in a mess. I was over at my neighbors helping her out the otherday, and we fed the kids pizza. Her baby boy, Thomas, had some on his hands when he was done. That's it. Eamonn? Hands, ears, hair, feet, stomach, eyes, back, you name it, it had pizza on it. Lol. I guess this is payback.

Pudding.

More pudding.

- For the most part, Eamonn is very content, but he is learning to through tantrums. The funny thing is, is that he is very careful on where he throws them. When he gets mad about me taking something away, wiping his nose, etc. he very carefully looks around to make sure he won't hit anything, and then very strategically and carefully lays back onto the ground.. and THEN he throws his head back, arches his back and flails his appendages. Tantrums usually last a few seconds though, because I just laugh and walk away, or just ignore them. He sees that mom doesn't really care, and he's not getting the desired reaction out of me, so he stops and finds something else to play with.

- Eamonn is also very tough. He is constantly bonking his head or running into things. He might wimper for a second, and then he's done. I like to try and take credit for that because when he does fall or whatever, I just say.. uh oh! Get up! You're ok! I guess we'll see with baby number two though, because for all I know, it might just be his laid back personality. I'm hoping it's parenting style, not the latter.

- Eamonn will usually wake up earlier than us in the morning, but instead of crying, he just sits in his pack and play and chatters to himself, or even with the angels that are around him. Who knows, but I never wake up to him crying. He's usally playing with something (blanket, toys I leave in there for him, feet, belly button, etc.) when I come in to get him. Like a said. Such a good baby. Maybe it's a blessing the Lord has given me because my postpartum was hell... or maybe again, He's trying to trick me into having more kids ;) lol.

Well, I'm supposed to be working right now so I'll have to update later. I'm really loving this blogging thing. I'm using it more as a personal journal more than anything, so I hope I don't say anything too revealing... lol Or say something about someone I'm frustrated with because it's on the freaking world wide web. WORLD WIDE. Need to watch out for that. Well, I'm sure I'll update soon. I'm really interested to see who actually reads this junk because personally, I get bored reading details of other peoples lives sometimes. I'd rather just write about my own. lol

Anways.. toodles.

Three am.. yay.

It is three a.m. and I can't sleep. I used to sleep like a rock. Hit the pillow and out for nine hours, but ever since I got pregnant with Eamonn my nice sleep patterns have gone out the window. Partly because our effing neighbors annoying barking dog that I seriously want to ... darrr! lol. But it's funny because I wake up at the same time every night, usually I wake up at four a.m. but today for some reason it's three. Pregnancy changes EVERYTHING!! Something I've really really really struggled with is losing the baby weight. I really had a hard time looking back at my wedding pictures and my when I first got married pictures to see how cute and skinny I was. I have accepted that I will probably never look that "good" again. But you know what? I am learning alot. I truly have never felt better about myself. Yah, I'm twenty pounds heavier, and I look like a "cinnamon toast crunch" (something Mace so lovingly said... hahah) with all of my stretch marks, but I have gone from obese (seriously.) 200 lbs. to a healthy 165. I have learned, very slowly, to love myself just the way I am. I really have struggled seeing my other friends who have had babies drop their weight so quickly, and I used to not have to worry!! I was a human garbage disposal with no regrets! Ever since I was 16 and lived in Chile, exercise and dieting have really been a such a mental burden on me.

When I was 16 years old, I left everything I knew and traveled across (well, down) the globe to the Beautiful country of Chile. This was actually the start of Bipolar. The funny thing is, before I left, I did show signs of extreme behavior, but nothing, NOTHING like when I was in Chile. Some of the worst, most disgusting, horrible, DIFFICULT memories in my whole life (a whopping twenty one years..) were when I was living in Chile. Bipolar can be triggered by stressful, life changing experiences (death of a loved one, first time in college, going to a random third world country, not speaking the native language, not knowing a soul, not knowing what culture even is, etc.) and this obviously qualified as one of those experiences. I went crazy, but not knowing at the time. I was extreme in everything I did. My mind has actually blocked out a lot of memories from Chile because of how traumatizing and dramatic my hardships were. When I look back, it is black and blurry, but the more I work through things, come to love and understand myself, the clearer it becomes. 

Just a few examples of some of the behaviors I started having when my bipolar was triggered. 

         Side note: I have more of a manic personality. Manic/Mania: affected with or marked by frenzy or mania uncontrolled by reason; an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action;  a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/ or energy levels; mania denotes an obsession with something. 

- As I mentioned before, I was EXTREME in everything. I literally was a perfectionist. During this time, I had never had my own testimony of the Gospel (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). I always have known that when I pray, Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers, but I never understood the atonement. I felt that I needed to be perfect, due to the scripture: Genesis 17:1 “Walk before Me and be thou perfect” After all that I have been through, I have learned what this means. I have leaned that NO ONE is perfect, and NO ONE will be here on this earth. We just need to do our best (which at the time to me was extremely skewed...) and the Lord will provide the rest. I felt that God was an angry God. A God of justice and perfection, and He is! But, not as I had thought. I was constantly burdened down by my imperfections. I just wanted to be forgiven of my sins. I went to extremes in trying hard to show Heavenly Father that I was a good girl. A worthy girl of his forgiveness. 

I literally, Literally would pray for hours at a time. Hours. to the point that my legs would fall asleep. These were times of MUCH anguish for me. Not only did I feel imperfect, but my mind had snapped. I starved myself for days, believing I was too fat, not loving the skin I was in. I developed "Exercise Bulimia" 

          Compulsive exercisers will often schedule their lives around exercise just as those with eating disorders schedule their lives around eating (or not eating). Other indications of compulsive exercise are:

• Missing work, parties or other appointments in order to work out
• Working out with an injury or while sick
• Becoming unusually depressed if unable to exercise
• Working out for hours at a time each day
• Not taking any rest or recovery days
• Defining self-worth in terms of performance
• Justifies excessive behavior by defining self as a "special" elite athlete

I also studied my scriptures for hours on end, becoming obsessed with cross referencing every footnote I saw. I again, felt that I needed to be perfect. As I write this, tears stream down my face because of the grief that this trial brought upon me. I again however, thank my Dear Heavenly Father daily for these experiences which he has blessed me with. I also got to the point where I would write on a little notebook, every wrong thing I did during the day.. Interrupt someone while they were talking, forgetting to return a pencil that I had borrowed, tripping over something, not doing my "best" to spread the gospel in everything I did... and at the end of the day, I would pray for hours, going over the long lists of "sins" that I had so horribly ;) committed that day.

I recently watched the show "Shutter Island" the other day (lots of swearing, beware..) and one of the characters had snapped. She said she felt as if there was a little bug, clinking around in her brain, pulling wires just for fun. I instantly understood. My mind raced. I sometimes felt that smoke would pour from my ears because of the thoughts racing through my mind. If you have never experienced mania, you will never understand the mental anguish that it is. Words cannot describe the torment that my mind was in. I was not o.k., and the thing is, no one knew me. They did not know that what I was doing was not normal for me. They just thought I was an extreme person. No one was there to care for my obvious needs, so it progressively got worse. I felt as if there was a constant cloud surrounding me, that there had been a brick wall placed between the Lord and I. As I look back, I can see that especially then, the Savior, MY Savior, Jesus Christ, had never been closer to me. I see that He was there, every step of the way, carrying me along, suffering right along with me, mourning with me and carrying my strife and sorrow. Because of those agonizing experiences, I know my Savior. Although those were some of the worst times in my life, I do not regret them. I see the person I am now, and understand that the refiners fire was necessary for me to understand and know my Savior. To enable me to "mourn with those that ^bmourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as ^cwitnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" - Mosiah 18, Book of Mormon. 

I would not be the person I am today without those trials. An honestly, those were just the beginning. This does not include my Senior year in high school and freshman year in college. Some of the worst times in life.

My Senior year of high school, I was at my bishop's office constantly. Bishop Curtis was one of the greatest blessings in my life. He actually recommended that I see a therapist because there was something not ok (in my words, not his) with my mind. My parents were definitely not supportive of this. They did not understand what was going on. I since then had calmed down immensely from Chile, (due to the angels that the Lord sent to me the Riquelme Family), but I was still not well. Not well at all. 

DISCLAIMER: Although I had extreme difficulties in Chile, I still loved it! I made so many friends, learned a beautiful language, and ah! I loved it. I love the people, love it all. (I posted some pics too)

Well, I am going to stop here, and will continue later. It is now four o'clock, my usual time for waking up, lol, but I am starting to get sleepy. (yay!) I have so much more to share, so much more. I again hope that because of my experiences, others might come to understand me and know me a little better, that they might become more accepting, tolerant, and understanding of those with mental disorders. I feel it is my calling in life to help people become aware of these oh so difficult circumstances, and I hope that others will see that even us crazy people are for the most part, normal. 

One more thing. Something that has been extremely difficult and hurtful (but I get over it. I know that others don't understand) is when people say things like, "I would never want to be dependent on medication for the rest of my life" or "These kinds of things can be worked out with the Lord if you have enough faith", "mental disorders are a bunch of made up crap that people use as excuses and crutches". Sometimes I wish those people would be afflicted with some of the worse things ever known to mankind. I wish curses and hurt upon them. lol. but really, like I said, I know that others don't really understand, I love them regardless (again, thanks to all that I have learned from my trials). I just want everyone who reads this to know that those things and those thoughts are not correct. They just aren't. We have no clue the struggles that others are going through. A lot of people don't believe me that I have bipolar. They dismiss it, saying, "well, we all have bad mental days"... If only they knew. These trials have truly helped me to become more understanding and more patient with others. We have no idea the things that others are going through, and sometimes they may do weird or crazy things, or say something offensive, etc, but we do not know the reasoning behind it. I hope I can be more like the Savior. I hope I can see people as He does. I hope that all of you who are reading this know, that you have a friend in me. That I will not judge you, for I know what it is like to go through difficulties. I know that we are not perfect. 

Anyways, that's enough emotion for one night. (morning). 

Take care all, and I will update soon. :)

PS, I screwed around with the dumb Highlighting feature, and now I can't get it to go away. grr. don't judge. lol

Niko and I. Besties. This is one of my all time favorite pictures. lol We had so much fun together. Side note: Niko is now serving a mission in Columbia! Yay! He was a convert to the church and ALWAYS wanted to be a missionary. His uncle, who helps support his Mom and his family financially told Niko that he didn't want him to go on a mission, and that he would stop supporting their family if he went. They then came up with an agreement that Niko had to get his degree first. .. and now.. He is on his mission! I am so proud of him!

Easter Island. My parents came down to pick me up and we flew out to Easter island. It is known for the Moai. Those big statues behind us. They are there to watch and protect the island. Also, they represent the deceased. The ones with the red rock on their heads represent royalty. It is a mystery to us how the transported the moai. They carved them directly from the mountain and somehow transported them around the island. It is also a mystery how they got the rocks on their heads.

My best friends in Chile. This was for art class. Please notice my sultry, sexy face. hahahaha

The houses had so many colors! I loved it. So beautiful and unique.

Hanging out at the mall with my friends. Almost everything has palta (avocado) on it! oh, and choclo (corn) on the pizza.

My school in Chile. Also, my host mom's head.

Chilean food. YUM!!!! It is now, five o'clock in the morning, and what I wouldn't give for some pino emanadas. My first host mom was an AMAZING cook. nom nom nom.

Typical Chilean food. I miss it. I gained so much weight there. lol no regrets. :)

Chile is such a beautiful country. Ah, I love it!

The gorgeous beaches of Chile.

My second host family. My angels. They truly saved me. I love them, and still talk to them. I am their daughter, and they are my family. again, I love them dearly.

My first host family. I don't know how they put up with me. I was so demanding and perfectionist-like. They should receive the nobel peace prize. lol

Yes. Cows in the middle of the road. Not as common as stray dogs, but this was normal. mooooo.

At the Feria, kind of like a farmers market.. sorta. Notice the lady behind me.. thinking.. dumb gringa. It's an apple. get over it. hahah but for real.. it was HUGE! (that's what she said.) innapropriate.

 

My group of friends in Chile. They were so awesome. They were so patient with me and my crazy brain. I love them. P.S. This was my school.. Colegio Liahona. Notice the liahonas on the glass. It wasn't a mormon school or anything, it was just funded and started by the church and then left or sold, not sure, to private companies. We also wore uniforms. I have to say that I loved uniforms. I didn't have to wonder what I was going to wear the next day. lol

Rotary Club! These are the other exchange students I went with. We had so much fun!

Me and Niko. Besties. :)

As you can see, most of my friends were guys. Niko, the guy to right of me, and Alexander, the guy to the left of me, were some of the people that really pulled me through, supported me, and loved me unconditionally, despite my crazy behaviors. lol. They were my angels, and my saving grace. May the Lord bless them for being there for me.

 

 

Sex sells... ice cream? lol In latin America, sex sells everything. haha

Cristian, another angel in my life. This was at the rededication of the temple. I was in the choir that sang for President Hinkley. LOVED it. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fresh start.

I started a blog when I first got married and wrote like.. two entries. Then I saw a girl from high school's blog, Alyssa Creighton, and fell in love with it. She is just so honest and I really feel blessed to read her posts. I am a better person because of her (random, I know) but she really did inspire me to share my story, so that my life might be able to help anyone else who may be going through the same things or similar things I am.
A little about myself:

- I am a messy person. If you don't believe me, you should see my house and my car. lol I really really REALLY struggle trying to stay on top of things and being more organized. Slowly but surely I'll get there. (I hope.)

- I tend to be extremely critical of myself, such a bad way of thinking, I know. Ever since I married Mason though, I have learned to be less extreme. He is my opposite in a lot of thing but we tend to balance eachother out well.

- My marriage definitely isn't perfect. Mason and I fight just like any other couple (I think... no one really talks about it, they try to seem like their marriages are awesome and their lives are stupendous. That's not me. I say it like I see it, and say it like it is.) I am demanding and mood swingy (yes. mood swingy.) and Mason is mellow and laid back. Sometimes his drr drr drr attitude drives me up the wall, and sometimes my bossy cowness drives him up the wall. lol but we love eachother and are stuck for eternity so we deal. ;) But for real, I love mace, he is my everything. All throughout highschool and ever since I recieved my patriarchal blessing (a priesthood blessing given by a patriarch in my church) I knew that my future husband was going to be amazing, and that I needed to work my butt off to be the best I could and deserving of him. I still wonder to this day how I seem to be so blessed to find my match made in heaven. (I don't think that's the case with everyone, but I KNOW that this is the case with us.) No one on this earth could deal with me like he does. :)

- I love being a mom. I really do. I have given a lot up for my family, but know that because I am doing what I know to be right and true, that the I will be happiest. Having a clean conscience before the Lord is the best thing, how could I deny His will? The ABSOLUTE BEST PART OF MY DAY, is when I wake up to Eamonn (Pronounced like Aiden, but with an M instead of a D.) blabbering away to himself. I walk down the hall to his room (the office with a sheet nailed up for a door...) and hear him start bouncing up and down in his pack and play, knowing that mommy is coming to get him to start the day. He is always so excited to see me. I feel like the most important person in the world to him and I absolutely love it. He just tickles my heart and brings so much joy and love to our family. He is one of the best decisions we have ever made.

-I am also expecting baby number two on March 5th, 2011. We found out that we needed to prepare for this baby when we were in the temple at the beginning of April, 2010. I had actually had a few dreams about a baby and it had been on my mind for a few days. Then, when we went to the temple, it was confirmed. Pregnancies are extremely difficult for me mentally. I have to change my medications to baby safe ones. (I normally am on Lithium, but that would destroy a growing fetus, so we have to go to the next "best" thing.) It was really awkward going into my psychiatrist's office telling him that although I am just 3 months out of the worst postpartum, and although we just found a good dose of medications that kept me stable, and although I started a new job and was acing my classes in school ( and yay! I was finally able to fit our schedule around some schooling for me!!), and although I hadn't felt this good mentally in a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time, that I needed to screw all of that up and go back onto Lamictal. (again, a baby safe mood stabilizer). He was pretty wary of the decision, but I pay him, so he does what he is told. ;) Also, I had to go back to my gynocologist (Dr. Wayne Young. who I love!) and tell him that although we had just put my IUD in 5 months ago, that I needed it to be removed, and although I had just had a baby 7 months ago, that I was ready to get pregnant yet again. To outsiders looking in it may seem crazy. And when i tell them that this baby was indeed a planned pregnancy, I get looks of annoyance and not so much understanding. Lol. I don't really care what anyone else thinks though. I do what I know to be right. Mason and I are good people who the Lord has blessed with a stable income, a nice (yet extremely messy) home, and an abundace of  love. Who am I to deny another spirit in our family? I would regret that decision for the rest of my life. Like I said before... the best thing on this earth is a clean conscience before the Lord.
  
 This decision was a lot easier because we had to go through the same thing when we found out a month after being married, that we needed to prepare for Eamonn. (Eamonn's name is Gaelic (Irish), it means Protector. He is the oldest child and I know that he will look out for the rest of the kidlets like a good big brother). We had to do the same thing with Eamonn. I had to find a psychiatrist that would work with me through a pregnancy and find a medication that would let me be semi-sane and able to healthily carry a baby. After a few months of stablizing and regulating medications, we got pregnant! People also asked us then, "Was this planned!?" and yes. It was. Like I said before, Eamonn is one of the best decisions we have ever made. The Lord's hand has really been shown to us throughout these times also. We were scared to DEATH about having a baby! I had plans to go to school, become a nurse, and THEN have kids. Mason only made 11$ an hour and would be working and going to school full time in order to support my homemaker, stay at home mom occupation. We were so nervous, and I still have NO clue how we have made it this far. How we have afforded all that we have? No idea. I do know however, that even if things don't make sense to us, that if we will follow in faith and do HIS will, not our own, that he will provide. That DOESN"T mean that things are easy and that we will always know how the mortgage will be paid, and how we will have food on the table, but it does mean that in a way, it's not our problem. lol. We've done our part, and the Lord will hold up his part of the bargain.

Well, I have SO much more to say and my mind is racing with ideas and stories and so many things, but I'm sure one can only read so much so I will stop now. It feels so good to get this all out. To be able to share my own story with others. I really hope that others can take hope in their trials and have faith that the Lord will provide because He does. I've seen it. I wouldn't be doing all of this "illogical" stuff if I didn't KNOW so. Also, I want anyone out there reading this (all two of you...) that if you need someone to talk to, that I am here! I hope that the more I write and let everyone see the real Lauren Stanford, that you will know me, and feel like I have made somewhat of a difference in your lives. If not, at least I can get the satisfaction of writing down my thoughts and experiences for my own sake.
I hope this is the beginning of many posts to come!
 

Fourth of July. We kinda look like Hillbillies.. ah well. God bless America!

Eamonn with his helmet (He had craniosynostosis as a baby.. that's a whole 'nother story!)

Eamonn and Daddy at the Zoo.

Mace and I. I'm FINALLY losing my chubby CHUBBY cheeks from my last pregancy. We'll see how long this lasts. lol

Eamonn playing in the water at Laguna Beach. He's such a doll.

Eamonn and mommy :) I have loved that I now have boobs ever since I had Eamonn. It's awesome.

Eamonn and Daddy. My life. :)