Last night, my mom volunteered to take Eamonn and Jack for Mace and I while we went out and to get some alone time without the burden of sippy cups, poopy diapers, whining, crying, chasing, and destruction. While sitting in our minivan (yes. minivan. crazy that I, at 22 years old drive a minivan, and actually NEED a minivan!) on our way back from Texas Road House I thought of how much I dreaded going back to my parents and starting all over tomorrow. While I was trying to cherish every moment I had without my boys, Mace's and my c.d. that I had made him when we were dating played in the background. I started listening to it and out of no where started sobbing. Gratitude overcame me.
Despite the winds and torrents of all of my present trials, I can't help but find extreme peace and happiness. This is what I have been waiting for my entire life. I am living the dream I have always dreamed of. All throughout elementary, junior high, high school and college, I dreamed of a temple marriage to an amazing priesthood holder, living in our own little home with a picket fence and babies. Of course it is not exactly as I imagined, but it has been extremely worth it.
Nothing beats knowing that no matter what I do, I will have a best friend by my side. No matter what happens, Mason will be there for me. I love having someone who knows me better than anyone else in the world and still loves me for it! I love that when I am moody, grumpy, and make him sleep on the couch, that when I go back in the middle of the night to apologize, hewill forgive me and we will learn from our experiences. I love having a worthy priesthood holder as the head of our home. When I am in need, (which I seriously, CONSTANTLY am), I can turn to him, and he can turn to the Lord for guidance and power. I love that he is the father of my two sons and he will be an amazing example to them.
Sometimes it hits me that I have everything I have ever wanted in my life. I know it is because I worked hard to achieve this. Reading my scriptures daily, maintaning a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father, following the guidelines of the church... All of it has led me to where I am today.
I also constantly joke about how difficult motherhood is. Don't get me wrong... it is a trying feat, but it is the best decision (besides marrying Mason) I have ever made. I love having beautiful healthy little shadows that follow me everywhere, that hang on my every word, whose very lives depends on what I do and say. I love that they love me no matter what, and are so willing to forgive me of my flaws. I love the special connection that I have with them that I have with no one else in this world. They truly bring me the most happiness I have ever felt. Each day there are moments that I am ready to throw the towel in and say, screw it. I'm done being a mom. What were we thinking?! Does God really know what He is talking about when He told us to have two boys so close together?! And other moments I cry in gratitude for the overwhelming joy that these precious little angels bring to my life. Nothing compares to a mother's love. Nothing.
I feel bad because a lot of people have said that my blog is their birth control! lol oops. Sorry. I guess I have just been oober negative and haven't shown enough of the fun, happy, beautiful, joyful aspects of being a mommy!
Nothing is better than in the morning, waking up to jabbering in the other room and walking into a bouncing baby. (Literally, bouncing! Eamonn holds onto the side of the crib and bounces up and down when he gets excited. lol He does it when he can hear me walking down the hall to come get him.)
Nothing is better than looking into the face of the precious newborn that you have brought into this world, The little spirit who you have sacrificed the last 9 months of your life for, The body that you supplied nourishment for with your own blood and nutrients, And realizing that they are a living, breathing miracle.
Nothing is better than the moment your first hear that cry and hold your own child in your arms.
Nothing is better than the first smile they make at you while you are doing everything possible to see it.
Nothing is better than rocking your sleeping angel in your arms while singing to him.
Nothing is better than crying with him when he is in pain, and rejoicing with him when he has accomplished a milestone or something big to him.
Nothing is better than laughing at the goofy things he does during the day that only you as a stay at home mom gets to see... like walking around the house in just a diaper in socks, putting on a red feather boa and admiring himself in the mirror, hearing him repeat those words that you most likely should not be saying in front of him or even saying at all!
Nothing in this world is better than being a mom. Money cannot buy the sheer joy mommyhood brings to my life nor can it erase the time spent wasted on seeking monetary riches. I look back and think of the promptings I have received in my life and know for a fact, that if I had not acted on them I would regret it for the rest of my life. I know that The Lord has a greater perspective than I, and knows what will bring me the most joy. At the time, it was a great leap of faith, just like it is now for me to quit my job, but I have faith in Him.
The crappy thing is that it doesn't make things easy. It doesn't mean that there will not, or have not been times where I want to throw my hands in the air and say, "SOME ONE ELSE FEED THESE KIDS, CHANGE THEIR DIAPERS AND PUT THEM IN THEIR BEDS" or, "WHY DIDN'T WE WAIT LONGER AND ENJOYED WHAT WE HAD WHEN WE DID?" There are days when I look at our stained kitchen carpet (yes. carpet.) and think.. really Eamonn?! Is it NECESSARY to throw your food all over the floor when you are done eating? There are days when I would give anything to go out and buy some new shoes and outfits for myself and not worry about clothes for my boys, food for the table, money for bills, first. There are days when I am trying to go through the Walmart check out stand and feel like a complete idiot because my kids are crying and I am trying to juggle a long grocery list along with WIC vouchers, grocery ads from every store in Provo, and the looooonnnng line of people behind me that are so bugged, regretting ever getting in this line.
But the point is, it is worth it. One thousand percent. There is a reason why Satan is trying to pervert the family and break it apart. There is a reason why The Lord and His prophets have emphasised it's importance. It is because it bring us the most happiness. Not just temporal happiness, but eternal happiness.
I would recommend to anyone that is married and debating to have kids to take it up with The Lord and don't hesitate at the answer He might give you. I myself have been doubting these last couple of days and received this peace of advice while searching my scriptures this morning. It is in Matthew 6:
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:And why take ye thought for raiment? a
faith?Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, a not much more you, O ye of little b
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
knoweth that ye have need of all these things.(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father a
But bseek ye first the ckingdom of God, and his drighteousness; and all these ethings shall be fadded unto you.a
thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day the evil thereof.Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take a
In a nutshell, the Lord will provide if you will take that leap of faith, and you too will see that although motherhood is difficult and trying, it is fun, it is full of love, and it is worth it. :)
I heard this song the other day and absolutely loved it. It reminded me of me and most of you and your situations: