These last few months have really, really, REALLY been trying on our family! Sometimes I feel dumb for being such a baby because I know that there are people who are suffering more than I and probably look at my trials and think, "What a whimp!" But these struggles are legitimate for me!
Eamonn has been sick with a cold virus the last two weeks and despite my best efforts, Jack caught whatever he had. To make things better, he not only caught it, but it is RSV. We were in the ER two nights ago where they did chest x-rays sinus suctioning and all of that fun stuff. My poor babies. It is so hard for me to see them suffer. :(
For every complaint I put on here, I am going to put something I am grateful for:
My amazing husband and daddio were able to give Jack a beautiful priesthood blessing that increased my faith in my Savior's healing power and my Heavenly Father's wisdom and outlook on things that I do not understand.
Lately I have felt like crap. Not physically, but mentally. I have been so depressed. Every small task seems like a huge project. Bathing the kids, doing the dishes, grocery shopping, waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed! etc. I feel like I am not even able to enjoy these fleeting moments of Jack's infancy. We have spent a lot of time at the hospital lately getting Jack suctioned (two to three times a day) and without a fail someone tells me, "Enjoy every second of this! You are going to miss this believe it or not!" It's as if these so called "great moments" are mocking me. I really don't think that it is possible for me to be grateful for these moments right now. I am just too miserable.
------Mason just called-----
The song "marry me" by train was on the radio and he just held his phone up to the car speaker. I just let the tears stream down my face because all I could think of was this weekend when his parents took the kids. We went to the temple to do sealings and I really had such a renued understanding of the power of the temple and of the importance of temple marriage. It impacted me so much to realize that Mason and I are in this together no matter what the situation, difficult or triumphant. Even though at this point in our lives we are really under a lot of stress, we have eachother to lean on. That song playing really was a tender mercy. We had slow danced in our room in candle light a few weeks ago when I was feeling better so it really meant a lot to me to hear it and to know that Mason was thinking about me.
I am feeling a little bit better than when I started writing all of this...
Eamonn is finally in bed and Mason just left to get Jack suctioned so he can sleep. P.S. another tender mercy, Jack slept through the night last night! Well, from 10 or 11pm - 6am. I'll take it. :) When I firsts got back from the hospital, I was seriously high as a kite! I had never done so well in my entire life. My house was immaculate, I played with eamonn, I fed him nutritious meals, I made dinners, I brought dinners over to my friends who were struggling, I went to play group, I planned meals, price matched, did all of the things I LITERALLY never have been able to do, and I had done it all with ease. I was in such a positive mood, I felt like Joan Clever (or whatever her name is...)
I have dropped very, very low now. I have noticed that when I am doing well, my entire family does well. When I am struggling, my entire family does. Mason struggles when he comes home to a messy house, screaming kids, a smelly, overwhelmed, grouchy wife, and no dinner. Eamonn can sense the stress too and has seriously turned into something I have never thought I would ever see in my sweet innocent angel. He is hitting, he is screaming, he is throwing himself on the ground at EVERY little thing. I really can't handle it. I have no patience for myself, not to mention this kid! and THAT is exactly what I am talking about with the whole missing out thing. Because I am so depressed and so overwhelmed, and he is teething (getting molars), sick, has a new brother, just stayed the weekend at a very spoiling grandma and grandpa's, it just has not been a good match!
On top of all of this JUNK, jack has gotten really sick! It really has just added up and added up. I want to pull my hair out and go jump of a freaking cliff! I know that God knows all, that now is a trial period in my life, and that I need to hold onto my faith. Sometimes it's just difficult not to doubt. It's difficult not to worry about how in the heck we are going to pay for all of the MORE medical bills that are accumulating on top of the delivery with these sick kids, what the smell is coming from our new van, how to have patience and understanding towards my toddler, etc.
O.K., now time for the gratefuls:
-Mason has a good, steady income that we can rely on to support us.
-We have medical insurance! So it could be worse. We are so blessed to be able to pay for the medical care we have received.
-We have modern medicine! If anything was to happen to Jack, the ambulance is just a phone call away! AND I am able to take mood stabilizers. This could be MUCH worse if I didn't meds.
-We have a van that we drive that takes us wherever we need (It even has a door that opens all by itself! yay!)
-We have an ABUNDANCE of support and love from friends and family. They are willing to help and care for us during our times of need.
-We have an eternal perspective. That to me is the most important. I can take a step back and know that all of this is in God's hands. He is in control. What a relief to know that, yet at the same time, what a pain because I want things done my way! ;)
-I have an eternal family
-I know my Savior and Heavenly Father personally and know that they know and love me.
-Prayer and scripture study get me through the day every day and I am grateful for those.
-We are healthy (nothing TOO fatal, just the crazies and RSV)
When upon lives billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost. Count your many blessings name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done!
If you are reading this, I would really appreciate your prayers. I know the Lord has His own will, but He still has unseen blessings that we may receive if there is enough faith, and if we will ask.
Like I said. This is a trying time for us and we might seem like pansies to others, but nonetheless, we would appreciate it.
Now, for more positives... PICTURES!
|Eamonn, Feeding Abbie and Lucky! He drives me nuts because he is constantly throwing his food on the ground. If I didn't hate animals so much, I would get a dog, JUST for this nice vacuuming feature!|
|Daddy and Jack Jack right after Jack's first bath at home.|
|First we bathed Eamonn, got him all lotioned up and everything, then we bathed Jack. All of the sudden I hear Mason giggling and I turn around and this is what we found. I guess we'll learn to drain the tub next time. lol|
|Oh, just havin' fun in the tub... what a stink! Seriously, this one keeps me on my toes!|
|Daddy's mission suit continued. I TRY (but don't always succeed) to get pics of the boys in daddy's mission suit every so often until they're nineteen. :) We'll see how I keep up on it.|
|Jack doesn't seem to pleased at this idea...|
|Finally hold enough to appreciate the snow! Please note the slimey spit coming out of his mouth. :( Poor kid is teething.|
|So amazed by this "snow" stuff!|
|Not the most flattering pic of Jack, BUT I wanted to show his thrush. It is SOOO bad in his mouth! Poor baby!|
|My tupperware all over the house.... the culprit found.|
|hahah I can't help but giggle at this little scavenger!|
|Checking out Jack. One of the few moments! I was soo glad to have my camera near by!|
|My sweet little Eamonn! Such a cheeser!|
|Snuggling up after bath time!|
|Mace and My date night at the "Star of India" restaurant in SLC|
|An authentic, cool little restaurant...|
|After a long car ride home, we went to get Eamonn out of the car, and this is what we found. hahahahah obviously he was sick of listening to us sing to the radio or something!|
|Any left in there?|
|I think I got some on my hand... hmmmm..|
|I can't help but love this little guy, even though he tries my patience!|
|Getting ready to get into the bathtub!|
|Our precious baby Jack. We love him so much.|