Throughout the years, (all 24 of them.. haha) my perspective of what "perfect" is, has really transformed. All of this time, I wanted to be PERFECT. I wanted to be the perfect daughter, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect everything. The scriptures say, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." So I tried. Constantly. Consciously, subconsciously, I was going to be PERFECT.
As a mom, I was never going to let me kids go through some of the experiences I had. I understood that my parents did their best, but I was going to be better. I was going to be PERFECT. I would always have patience and understanding with my kids. I would never physically hurt them, I would never degrade them. I would always listen to what they had to say and be a just and perfect parent. They would have NO reason to ever feel sad, or angry or hate me, because of something I said or did. I would be perfect.
As a daughter, I was going to PLEASE my parents. I wanted them to see that they did a great job! I wanted them to see that I could be obedient in every request and that I would never disappoint. I wouldn't be like my rebellious siblings who seemed to have problems with authority.. lol My mom would always have a shoulder to cry on and my dad would always be proud of his straight A, hard working, over achieving daughter. I would be perfect.
As a wife, I was always please my husband. I was going to be a SEX GODDESS. I wasn't going to be like those other wives who complained about having sex or pleasing their man. I was never going to degrade or talk down to my husband. I wasn't going to be one of those wives that Brian Regan described, who mocked their husband's tiny little husband brain.. I was always going to be supportive in all that he did. Even if he did things differently than my dad. I would be perfect.
As a friend, I would always be there. Any phone call, I was going to answer. Any question with life, I was going to have a perfect, spiritual, uplifting response that would change lives forever. Any time a babysitter was needed or a meal brought over, that would be me. I was never going to talk poorly about someone else or gossip or compare. I would be absolutely perfect.
As a member of the church, I was going to be perfect. I was never going to disappoint God or any of his leaders. I was going to take every calling and overachieve in everyone. I was going to be diligent in my visiting teaching, being a spiritual, perfect example for all to see. I was going to bring a meal to every sick person, every funeral, every new mom... I was going to answer all of the questions in relief society and volunteer for every missionary dinner. I would be perfect.
As a homemaker, I was going to have the PERFECT home. Every holiday, even the obscure ones that only the catholics celebrated, would have perfect handmade, beautiful, ornate decorations. My kids were going to be so lucky to have a mom that cared so much. I was going make every meal from scratch, (all organic, of course) the house was always going to be spotless. I was going to be the envy of everyone. I would be perfect.
This belief of "perfection" started as a child and continued to grow. I saw benefits to this wonderful trait. People really did look up to me! People really did respond in the ways that I had anticipated and it was awesome! Everyone looked up to Lauren. She was so strong and so wonderful. Church leaders always took me aside and told me what an amazing example I was.. My parents were so proud of their straight A student, their foreign exchange student, their child that was so strong and perfect in the gospel..
*As I write this, it occurs to me that it would be beneficial to remind you that this was my perspective. Perspective is everything. This is how I perceived things, And I had other motivating factors for making the choices I did. I went to Chile because I am adventurous and I follow my heart. I served others because I loved them. I went to church because I loved God.. The tricky part is that co-dependencies and false belief systems were interwoven between all of it. Humans are extremely multifaceted. No one is just "bad" or "good" we are a beautiful mixture of everything.
Shit really hit the fan when I went to Chile. The whole, perfection thing, really wasn't working for me any longer, but I didn't know what was going on! I thought it was because I wasn't trying hard enough, or I wasn't good enough. Even more shit hit the fan when I left for college and I had to drop out because of my mental state. My being perfect didn't go well with a college drop out. Things just went downhill from there. I got married at 19, which wasn't "pleasing" to my parents, so pleasing them wasn't working like I thought it should. Then I had kids and really, being a perfect mom wasn't working like I thought that should either! Sex goddess was not happening, neither was the perfect house, neither was being the perfect church goer. Nothing was working the way I had expected!!
Despite nothing working the way I thought they "should", I still pressured myself for perfection. My life crumbled around me. (Just read some of my last blog posts from a few years ago...) My house looked like an episode of Hoarders, my sex life was non existent I criticized and blamed Mason for everything went wrong, all of the things I thought my parents wanted from me wasn't happening any longer, I deep deep deep DEEP down (subconsciously) hated going to church and trying to be perfect in that aspect, the more and more I fought against what I didn't want to be... the more it became and the more I absolutely HATED myself. Hate. I literally hated myself. I could do nothing right in my eyes. I also projected this belief onto everyone I was in contact with. Because I was never good enough to myself, I was never good enough for God, for my kids, for my parents, for my spouse, for ANYONE.
My life was in total chaos. I was going to the dr.'s every other week to modify bipolar medications, my dishes hadn't been done in months, I couldn't even walk from room to room in my home, I pulled myself away from all of my friends and family, I sabotaged my body by eating shit and causing me to stay overweight from pregnancies, I sabotaged EVERYTHING subconsciously. I was not happy. I dreaded each and every day. I hated waking up. Everything was everyone else's fault and I was a victim of life. I get chills just thinking about it. It was horrible. I was surrounded by darkness! I attracted darkness and that in turn, attracted more. I really was stuck and I was so miserable. I had no idea why things were like this. I just believed that it was because I was a failure. I wasn't as good as anyone else. Life was supposed to be hard. I didn't deserve happiness... (And insert ANY negative belief you can imagine here... )
That was SUCH a painful time for me. I wondered why I didn't have any friends? I wondered why I dreaded going to church (but I could never admit that because God is perfect and He knows what is best..) (When in reality, I only saw God as I saw myself. I didn't know God. I thought I did. I DID feel his love and I did feel his peace when I would allow it in.. but my perception of his was SO skewed and so malformed.) I wondered why I couldn't do what everyone else could. I wondered what was wrong with me!?
Then, in April 2012, I was introduced to Emotional Release Processing. I had been introduced once before, right after Eamonn was born by my really good friend Alexis Fullmer, but I seriously thought it was SO dumb and SO weird. I disregarded it as crazy. I wasn't ready for it and apparently I hadn't learned all that I wanted to yet.
Emotional Release Processing is basically a way for us to go back to where our limiting beliefs began. A limiting belief may be, "I'm not good enough", "Life is supposed to be hard", etc. I'll give you an example. When I was 17 months old, my brother was born. Babies believe that EVERYTHING revolves around them and happens because of them. When Cam was born, I decided that I must not have been good enough, because mom and dad just had another baby and I apparently wasn't cutting it. So from then on, I carried the belief, "I'm not good enough". A belief is almost like putting on glasses that focuses on everything that proves that "I am not good enough" and disregards everything that shows otherwise. It's kind of like those beautiful women who are just gorgeous and they DON"T SEE IT! EVERYONE ELSE sees how beautiful they are, but all they see is, "I'm fat", "I'm not as pretty as _____.". Everyone else can see the truth, but because of her "glasses" or belief that she isn't good enough, she doesn't see it.
The first couple of sessions, I thought were SO weird. Seriously. I was like, What the hell is this? Is this ok? It kind of seemed like stuff that the church would oppose, but I was so wrong. I prayed and prayed and prayed to see if this was something that God saw as good. I told God that I would continue going, and if I received inspiration that this wasn't something good, I would stop. So I continued to be processed by Beckie Larsen (an angel. She is seriously an angel) and I saw results! It was AMAZING! It's like, I would work on a belief in an hour and a half process, and later that week, things would just come together. Slowly, I started to WANT to be alive! I WANTED to be around my kids, I WANTED to go to church. It's kind of like, when you go back in time and change something, the future changes. Through processing, I would go back and work with my 5 year old me or my 2 year old me, and I would see change in my present life.
A process is really cool thing, and it changed my life so much, I decided to go to school and learn to be a faciliator. It has been SO amazing! I had no idea that I was so amazing!! Before, I didn't go to school or do anything like that because I believed that I couldn't. I thought, I'm a mom. Moms stay at home with their kids. Well, that is actually just a belief that I had and now I have learned, that If I am happy and I am taking care of myself, I am a KICK ASS mom!! :) If you are interested in what a process actually contains, here is my school's website: http://www.ihaofutah.com/ Every 3rd Thursday in the month, they do a preview where a process is actually done on a someone in front of everyone. I also am facilitating right now so I can process other people. This can be done over the phone too, so if you are interested, let me know! Pam, the owner of our school wrote a book about what a process is and how she got started. You can buy it here: http://www.ihaofutah.com/store
So as I started to see who I REALLY am, and get rid of all of these beliefs that were weighing me down, my life started to change. I am learning about who God REALLY is, and not who I saw him as. I am learning that my kids really are going through a lot more than I really understood before, and most of all, I am learning that I am in control of my life. I am NOT a victim of life. Everything that happens to me, I attract to me. At first I thought, no way. My bipolar and all of these things are NOT because of me. It's just life. It has been SO empowering to know that if I have created life the way it was, I can create life the way I want it.
*My bipolar is different from anyone else's condition. For me, processing and oils and a few other things have worked through the underlying issues for me. I am almost completely off my meds! I will be be completely off of them by the next couple of months. They were such a huge and wonderful blessing for me. For me, they were like a rung on a latter. They were there when I needed them and they assisted me in lifting myself up to where I am now.
My definition of Perfection is slowly changing. Last night at Outlook Training (A 90 day goal setting workshop) we learned to speak to our inner Guru. Basically, we contain ALL of the answers that we seek. I asked myself, "Why am I SO afraid of cold calling!? I am totally freaking out about it" and after taking a deep breath, and letting my sacred self, my all knowing part of me speak, I gave myself some amazing advice! I told myself that I am perfect exactly as I am. Life is JOURNEY. There is no destination. Even after we die, we will always be progressing. Perfection isn't a destination. Perfection is being. I elected to come to earth to learn and that is exactly what I am doing. My "flaws" really aren't flaws. My flaws are opportunities to see the real me and opportunities to love myself more.
Holy shit. I am amazing. I am so insightful!! haha So today, I have been focusing on basking in my "imperfections". I have felt SO irritable today and instead of getting mad at myself and hating myself, I choose to love me. I choose to say, wow. Why am I so irritable And figure out the cause rather than looking at the outcome and getting mad at myself. I choose to be perfect today. I am perfect. YOU are perfect. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing in life. I choose to embrace both the light side and the dark side of me. I choose to love every single thing about me, and see those "flaws" as even more ways to love myself.