Tender Mercy, Little Piece of Heaven

So today has been an uber crappy day. I have done nothing productive, and my house is a mess. I was just about to throw in the towel and give up after the doctor said that Eamonn had a viral cough and there was nothing we could do but wait it out.

Then, just barely as I ran out to the van to get something, I hear crying. I look back and see a little boy, staring at me through the screen door sobbing because I am leaving him. My baby. He loves me so much. I am his world. And as dificult as things are for me right now, I am encouraged and know that I can make it through, for him.

I am grateful for my screaming, snot nosed, sick, clingy little stinker because he is my purpose and reason for life.

Happily Ever After is possible.

These last few days have been seriously, SOO difficult. Not a day has gone by that I have not broken down sobbing because of the reality check that two poopy bums, simultaneous crying, a disaster of a house, and two hungry mouths to feed.  As I write, Jack is in his room crying, which he has been on and off for the last two hours.

Last night, my mom volunteered to take Eamonn and Jack for Mace and I while we went out and to get some alone time without the burden of sippy cups, poopy diapers, whining, crying, chasing, and destruction. While sitting in our minivan (yes. minivan. crazy that I, at 22 years old drive a minivan, and actually NEED a minivan!) on our way back from Texas Road House I thought of how much I dreaded going back to my parents and starting all over tomorrow. While I was trying to cherish every moment I had without my boys, Mace's and my c.d. that I had made him when we were dating played in the background. I started listening to it and out of no where started sobbing. Gratitude overcame me.

Despite the winds and torrents of all of my present trials, I can't help but find extreme peace and happiness. This is what I have been waiting for my entire life. I am living the dream I have always dreamed of. All throughout elementary, junior high, high school and college, I dreamed of a temple marriage to an amazing priesthood holder, living in our own little home with a picket fence and babies. Of course it is not exactly as I imagined, but it has been extremely worth it.

Nothing beats knowing that no matter what I do, I will have a best friend by my side. No matter what happens, Mason will be there for me. I love having someone who knows me better than anyone else in the world and still loves me for it! I love that when I am moody, grumpy, and make him sleep on the couch, that when I go back in the middle of the night to apologize, hewill forgive me and we will learn from our experiences. I love having a worthy priesthood holder as the head of our home. When I am in need, (which I seriously, CONSTANTLY am), I can turn to him, and he can turn to the Lord for guidance and power. I love that he is the father of my two sons and he will be an amazing example to them.
Sometimes it hits me that I have everything I have ever wanted in my life. I know it is because I worked hard to achieve this. Reading my scriptures daily, maintaning a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father, following the guidelines of the church... All of it has led me to where I am today.

I also constantly joke about how difficult motherhood is. Don't get me wrong... it is a trying feat, but it is the best decision (besides marrying Mason) I have ever made. I love having beautiful healthy little shadows that follow me everywhere, that hang on my every word, whose very lives depends on what I do and say. I love that they love me no matter what, and are so willing to forgive me of my flaws. I love the special connection that I have with them that I have with no one else in this world. They truly bring me the most happiness I have ever felt. Each day there are moments that I am ready to throw the towel in and say, screw it. I'm done being a mom. What were we thinking?! Does God really know what He is talking about when He told us to have two boys so close together?! And other moments I cry in gratitude for the overwhelming joy that these precious little angels bring to my life. Nothing compares to a mother's love. Nothing.

I feel bad because a lot of people have said that my blog is their birth control! lol oops. Sorry. I guess I have just been oober negative and haven't shown enough of the fun, happy, beautiful, joyful aspects of being a mommy!

Nothing is better than in the morning, waking up to jabbering in the other room and walking into a bouncing baby. (Literally, bouncing! Eamonn holds onto the side of the crib and bounces up and down when he gets excited. lol He does it when he can hear me walking down the hall to come get him.)

Nothing is better than looking into the face of the precious newborn that you have brought into this world, The little spirit who you have sacrificed the last 9 months of your life for,  The body that you supplied nourishment for with your own blood and nutrients, And realizing that they are a living, breathing miracle.

Nothing is better than the moment your first hear that cry and hold your own child in your arms.

Nothing is better than the first smile they make at you while you are doing everything possible to see it.

Nothing is better than rocking your sleeping angel in your arms while singing to him.

Nothing is better than crying with him when he is in pain, and rejoicing with him when he has accomplished a milestone or something big to him.

Nothing is better than laughing at the goofy things he does during the day that only you as a stay at home mom gets to see... like walking around the house in just a diaper in socks, putting on a red feather boa and admiring himself in the mirror, hearing him repeat those words that you most likely should not be saying in front of him or even saying at all!

Nothing in this world is better than being a mom. Money cannot buy the sheer joy mommyhood brings to my life nor can it erase the time spent wasted on seeking monetary riches. I look back and think of the promptings I have received in my life and know for a fact, that if I had not acted on them I would regret it for the rest of my life. I know that The Lord has a greater perspective than I, and knows what will bring me the most joy. At the time, it was a great leap of faith, just like it is now for me to quit my job, but I have faith in Him.

The crappy thing is that it doesn't make things easy. It doesn't mean that there will not, or have not been times where I want to throw my hands in the air and say, "SOME ONE ELSE FEED THESE KIDS, CHANGE THEIR DIAPERS AND PUT THEM IN THEIR BEDS" or, "WHY DIDN'T WE WAIT LONGER AND ENJOYED WHAT WE HAD WHEN WE DID?" There are days when I look at our stained kitchen carpet (yes. carpet.) and think.. really Eamonn?! Is it NECESSARY to throw your food all over the floor when you are done eating? There are days when I would give anything to go out and buy some new shoes and outfits for myself and not worry about clothes for my boys, food for the table, money for bills, first. There are days when I am trying to go through the Walmart check out stand and feel like a complete idiot because my kids are crying and I am trying to juggle a long grocery list along with WIC vouchers, grocery ads from every store in Provo, and the looooonnnng line of people behind me that are so bugged, regretting ever getting in this line.

But the point is, it is worth it. One thousand percent. There is a reason why Satan is trying to pervert the family and break it apart. There is a reason why The Lord and His prophets have emphasised it's importance. It is because it bring us the most happiness. Not just temporal happiness, but eternal happiness.

I would recommend to anyone that is married and debating to have kids to take it up with The Lord and don't hesitate at the answer He might give you. I myself have been doubting these last couple of days and received this peace of advice while searching my scriptures this morning. It is in Matthew 6:

25^aTherefore I say unto you, Take no ^bthought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

28And why take ye thought for raiment? ^aConsider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, ^ashall he not much moreclothe you, O ye of little ^bfaith?

31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father ^aknoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33^aBut ^bseek ye first the ^ckingdom of God, and his ^drighteousness; and all these ^ethings shall be ^fadded unto you.

34Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take ^athought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day isthe evil thereof.

In a nutshell, the Lord will provide if you will take that leap of faith, and you too will see that although motherhood is difficult and trying, it is fun, it is full of love, and it is worth it. :)

I heard this song the other day and absolutely loved it. It reminded me of me and most of you and your situations:

http://listen.grooveshark.com/s/+and+Waiting/21If5s?src=5

And Waiting-Dan Cahoon

First Child vs. Second Child...

Today is my third day home with two kids. All I can say is wow. I don't even know if I can say wow. I don't think that covers it or I even have the energy to speak. I seriously can't explain how dfficult this has been. Eamonn seriously has been an absolute terror. He is at the stage where he is
learning to run away when he has something he shouldn't or when I need to change him or bathe him or do anything that requires being still for five seconds. He thinks that this is a very humorous game that he cannot get enough of. Meanwhile, my poor, poor Jack just gets tossed anywhere on the floor while I chase after Eamonn. There are some serious differences between your first child and your second child.

First Child: You count the seconds, minutes, and milaseconds to the day of their birth
Second Child: You don't even realize you are pregnant half the time because you are so so so busy trying to take care of the first child.
First Child: You rush to the hospital every contraction you feel hoping that maybe, just maybe it will be time to deliver your baby!
Second Child: You have learned your lesson after paying numerous  bills to Labor and Delivery from the last child, that you take your time until the contractions are unbearable. Plus, you have to make a thousand different arrangements for babysitting and what have you for your first child.
First Child: Every single detail of the baby's nursery has been prepared since you were eight weeks pregnant.
Second Child: You have learned that the baby doesn't even sleep in the dang nursery that you slaved over and figure that if you have too, a dresser drawer would even suffice.
First Child: You refuse to put any of your children in hand me downs or use used baby things like stollers, etc. Everything MUST be new.
Second Child: D.I. anyone? You realize that your first child has ruined all off his clothes by pooping and barfing that it really doesn't matter. Plus, he is practically naked half the time anyways because you are trying to avoid anymore stains and it is A LOT easier to shove the kid in the bathtub rather than doing thousands upon thousands of loads of laundry, trying to get popsicle, juice, poop, you name it, who know what the heck that was, stains out of clothes.
First Child: Every single thing the kid does NEEDS to be documented and saved. Look! his belly button fell off! Let's celebrate!; Yay! his fourth time taking a bath, let's document!!; Look! He's yawning, Look! He's burping! Look he puked! TAKE PICTURES!! Maternity pictures, newborn pictures, 3 mo. old pictures, 6 mo. old pictures, every single thing he does is a photo opp.
Second Child: You start going through all of your pictures and start to realize... why aren't there as many pictures of baby #2 as baby #1? Oh, maybe because I've been running around with my head cut off trying to keep up with everything. Plus, sad to say, it's not a brand new thing anymore that the baby is on tummy time in his brand new outfit so the need to take a kajillion pictures just isn't there.
First Child: You are sooo excited for every new milestone... Look he's holding his head up! He's rolling over! He's crawling! etc. You try to push him as much as you can to succeed and even dare I say it? exceed all of your friends kids. (don't judge. you all know you've done it at one point or another...) You want him crawling at four months, walking at 6 months, singing the alphabet at 10 months, and reading at a year old.
Second Child: You start to realize JUST HOW FAST YOUR BABIES GROW UP! When the doctors say, ok, make sure you give them lots of tummy time so they can start developing their muscles to crawl and roll, you think, "Psh, yah right! I want this kid to be my newborn forever!" When they start to crawl, you push them over. When they start to walk, push them over. etc. ;)
First Child: Whenever he cried, you run over to make sure he is O.K.
Second Child: Whenever he cries you run over to make sure he is O.K., but not due to the same reasons as the first child.. but BECAUSE of the first child. Who knows what that first child is doing to the poor second child!!!
First Child: You worry your guts out the entire night, scared that your child is going to die, choke, stop breathing, suffocate, etc. and are up the entire night wondering if he's hungry,scared, uncomfortable etc.
Second Child: You figure... whelp... either he dies in his sleep or he dies in the morning from mommy's lack of sleep. So instead of worrying, you turn the hair dryer on next to your bed stand so you can't hear the crying and go the maximum amount of time the dr.'s have said is ok for him to go without eating.
First Child: You make sure that everyone has on hazmat suits before they enter the house. You are constantly equipped with hand sanitizer, lysol wipes, lysol spray, binky wipes, you name it, so your kid doesn't die of swine flu. You stay in the house for months, camped out, scared of germs and illness.
Second Child: You can't afford to stay in the house due to lack of groceries and another child bouncing off the walls. You figure that as long as the baby is in his carseat with a little cover on it, he can't catch anything really, right?
First Child: When you need to set him down to do something quickly, you make sure that he is securely strapped in his swing, or nicely placed in his boppy pillow.
Second child: While trying to chase the first child to get him to do something (or most likely PREVENT him from doing something) you throw the baby onto the floor, or anywhere that he most likely won't get stepped on..
The most important thing that I have learned and actually am SO glad that I have learned from Child #1 is this:
First Child: Someone is doing something with your baby that you don't want them to do, or they are holding your baby and you want to take him out of their arms, or anything like that, you don't say anything or do anything because you are scared to offend someone, etc.
Second Child: You know that YOU ARE THE MOTHER and you have the right to say what is done with YOUR CHILD and HOW IT IS DONE. :)

Things on my mind.

1. I am going to bed with a messy house. Usually mace and I tornado through it before bed so I can atleast wake up to a clean house. I am too worn out today. I hope it doesn't throw me off of this whole, keep the house clean, kick I've been on lately... ugh. I just need to sleep and not worry about it.
2. It is pretty funny (yet sad at the same time,,,) how many times Eamonn got hurt today. He fell down the stairs three times at play group, tripped and fell more times than I can count, ran strait into the table, ran straight into the wall, and fell off the bed. hahaha I don't know how this kid is still alive. Too bad his helmets don't fit anymore... I gave him some tylenol before bed because I had sympathy on him. don't judge me.
3. Pissed that WIC has such particular specifications on their dumb cereal. I FINALLY found a combo. of cereals that I like with the right amount of ounces in each (so I thought) until I got to the front of the line. Yup. Apparently you can't have cereal that weighs less than 12 oz. and no more than 36. the two i wanted went .2 (YES.. .2, please make note of the POINT before the two) over thirty six ounces, so i went with the smaller box. Yup. That didn't work either. Now I'm stuck with Kix. nasty, nasty kix. Whoever said they were kid tested, mother approved was lying. In the end though, I am grateful for WIC because we CANNOT afford Jack's formula. :( I wish. One day, we'll be rich, and it will be awesome.
4. I quit my job. . . I'm not too worried about money though. I know the Lord will bless us for putting our family first. It was yet another leap of faith that we have to take right now. A part of me wonders how many leaps of faith are we going to have to take for our dumb family!? First, get married. HUGE leap of faith on my part. Second, have a baby within the first year of marriage. Third, have yet ANOTHER baby within the second year of marriage. and now this? I quit my job so I can focus more on my kids than money. Which sucks sometimes cause money is nice and it buys stuff. It's really not that horrible of a thing, money. Ah well. Like i said. One day we will be rich, I will have nice things, I will not have to worry about our stupid cars breaking down all the time, I will wear cute clothes, I will have a gym pass, I will be awesome. Until then....
lol
5. That's about all that is on my mind right now. I am tired, grumpy, grumpy, and especially grumpy, so peace out and get outta my face. ;)

love,
Laur

How Great Thou Art

 

I am so grateful to know my Savior.

I love that when I am struggling that I can turn to Him. 

I love knowing that he knows what I am going through.

I love knowing that He can succor me.

I love that He loves me and only wants what is best for me. 

I love that He carries me when I can no longer hold myself up.

I love that He is my Brother.

I love Him. 

I love Him eternally. 

He is my greatest support and friend. I have and am nothing without him.

I love you.

Love,

Lauren

I usually don't do this stuff.. BUUTTT... It's a pretty sweet deal! ;)

http://wearebeautifulbecausewearewomen.blogspot.com/2011/02/free-photo-session-giveaway.html#comments


Free Photo Shoot! The photographer is actually really talented and hey, it's a chance for a free photo shoot!

- Love,
Lauren

Kids, Instruction Manual NOT included...

I would just like to ask how in the heck one is supposed to know how to raise a kid. If the world was fair and just, I would have delivered a baby, then the user's manual, then the placenta. BUUT no. God has a sense of humor apparently and I'm sure he laughs up there as he watches Mace and I scramble around trying to raise a child.

Experts have a lot to say about a lot of different things.. don't spank, don't do time out, don't say "no" too much, don't give them fast food, don't blah blah blah. Friends, family members, and random people I have no idea who they are, have their opinions on raising kids too. I'm just worried that by the time we get this whole raising kids thing down, ours are going to be so screwed up that there's no turning back! They will be obese because we feed them fast food and fruit juice instead of vegetables and filtered water; they will be entitled and have no respect for boundaries because I didn't make them take a bath before bed because I just couldn't handle the screaming; they will not know how to be considerate and loving because I didn't make them share their special toy with a friend at our house....

Juice, not water... My soon to be obese child.

Eamonn Keeping himself entertained at the grocery store... I'm sure everyone was thinking, "what kind of mom just lets her kid run around the store with a grocery cart like that!?" lol

What are you supposed to do when your one year old tells you "no" all the time?! I mean, he's just a kid and I figure he's just looking for a reaction, but then others say that is not acceptable and they need to know that you are the one in charge. Great. I'm going to raise a kid that has no respect for authority.

Ex: I have pulled that boy away from the garbage can thousands of times! I am sick of finding sippy cups and random household objects in there but I swear I have tried everything but beating his little bum to keep him away! "No" does not work, it only encourages him. Time outs are not showing great results, and just picking him up and moving him does not stop him from dumping his shoes into there! As I said. I am screwing my kid up. What about when he chucks his food across the house when he is done eating? Do I say, "NO NO!"? (This seriously only makes him do it more... he get's this look of sheer evil in his eyes that says, "oh yah old woman?! watch this.."  Do I say, "ok, all done with lunch!" and take his tray? (This seems to work best, but then I get comments from other people about how my kid is going to be spoiled rotten and will probably end up going to prison for assassinating the president of the United States or something horrendous like that..) Do i never feed the little terror again!? I just don't know.

Eamonn running around naked and destroying our DVD cabinet....

I know I am not going to spank, that's just not my thing, so I guess we're making progress right? Atleast I know what we are not going to do...

What about when he gets older and starts getting smarter and dare I say it? even naughtier!?

What about when the world is teaching him one thing about sex and Mace and I will need to teach what is the truth about it? Will I teach him the right way!? Will he respect women and see them as daughters of God rather than objects of lust? What will I need to do or say when he wants to date a girl? What about kissing girls?

Kids are just so difficult. What the heck were we thinking when we decided to bring another one into this world? I just feel bad for them more than I do for me because they are the ones who are going to have to deal with the repercussions of crazy, clueless parents.

Naked yet again (mom of the year award right here..) and playing on the laptop which we are CONSTANTLY trying to keep him away from... lol

Caught in the act of getting into Mommy's camera!

Hopefully they'll see that we tried our best. Hopefully Heavenly father won't allow us to screw them up too much. I know that we need to turn to the Lord for guidance in all things but sometimes I wonder if he cares about such trivial matters as discipline of a one year old? As I write I hear a whisper that yes, indeed he does. He will teach me how to teach each child the way that He knows they will do best. They are actually His children and they are just on loan to me.

That's pretty trusting of Heavenly Father if you ask me. He's letting these adorable little spirits come into our care so we can learn to love and be more like Him. That's a lot of trust and responsibility.

I guess it's just tough. Seeing the way your friends raise their kids, reading different books and magazines, hearing how your parents did it when you were a kid; one just never knows what is the right way. Is there even a right way?

As I write I am realizing that more than anything, I need not judge others and the way they have chosen to raise their kids. Who am I to say that their kids are too whiny or that they don't discipline enough, or they discipline too much? I'm pretty sure we are all in the same boat here. We all are kind of stumbling through the unknown territories of parenthood and all deserve some credit for actually attempting the seemingly impossible.

Promoting childhood obesity at Halloween. Eamonn LOVES candy. Can't blame him, so do I!

I used to see kids with muddy, grimy faces and boogery noses and think, "where is their mother? obviously she is extremely negligent and uncaring." or I would hear a kid crying in walmart and think, "would you do us ALL a favor and take that demon child of yours home?"
Now I know what it is like. I have been slapped in the face with the "reality of parenthood" stick and all I can say is, ouch. lol

I have been the mom who has been so tired from working, from cleaning, from juggling life, that giving my kid a bath hasn't been on top of the priority list for 3 days... I now can say that I have been the mom who doesn't even bother at times cleaning that nasty, crusty booger nose because I have done it fourty thousand times already today and my poor baby's nose is raw and bleeding from the constant tissue attacks from mommy caring too much about what other people are thinking. I have been the mom who just has to run into Walmart to grab a few last minute things for dinner, who's baby screams the ENTIRE time, up and down the aisles and throughout the 20 minute wait at the check out stand.

Getting into Birthday cupcakes just a little too early... 

All we could do was laugh and let him enjoy himself.

From now on, when I see a kid yelling "No!" to his mommy, or a mommy getting so upset at her kids in the middle of the grocery store that she just yells at them in frustration, instead of thinking, "oh my gosh. seriously? what kind of parent are they?" I am going to think... "poor woman. she deserves a bubble bath and a bag of snickers for her troubles."

White Trash parent who takes her kids places with just a diaper. Classy.

Here's a deal for all those who are reading this. I won't judge you if you don't judge me. ;) and if you are reading this and don't have kids of your own, give your own mother a hug and thank her for doing her best in raising you. I know I will and do every chance I can.

Again, eating sugar, with no clothes on. Will my child think that clothes are not necessary? My grandma always said that our kids were going to go on their first dates and take of their clothes because that's how they'd always done it... haha

Moral of the story, Kids are freaking hard to raise, don't judge the other moms out there who are trying their best, and The Lord will make sure you don't screw your kids up TOO much.

Letting Eamonn make a mess all over the place with a cookie, right before going into the grocery store, Again, Classy mom right here.

There are angels among us.

This last week has really thrown us for a loop. I went to my regular O.B. appointment when Dr. young pointed out that I looked like I was running small for being 32 weeks along. We scheduled an ultrasound for the next day and lo and behold, our little baby Jack was running around 2 weeks behind schedule in size. We were sent to  Maternal Fetal Medicine to have them do further investigation. After a long ultrasound, evaluating every aspect of the baby known to mankind (Distance between eyes, blood flow in the umbilical cord, etc.) they concluded that the baby's head and belly were indeed measuring small AND the amniotic fluids were really low. This indicates that the baby must not be getting nutrients he needs in order to continue growing and that the placenta is failing due to some unknown reason. They would start to do NST's (non stress tests) twice a week, and dopplers and ultrasounds once a week. The NST's measure the baby's heart rate, oxygen levels, fetal movements and contractions, the doppler measures the blood flow from the umbilical cord to the baby, and the ultrasound to measure fluid levels. They put me on strict bedrest to try and raise fluid levels but If there are any signs whatsoever of distress etc. on the baby during all of this, they will deliver him. They gave me 2 rounds of steroid shots just in case early delivery is necessary so that his little lungs will be developed and ready for the outside world.

This all came to a complete shock for me. I mean, I didn't show very much with Eamonn because I carried him mostly in my back and I had just figured that this must be kind of the same thing. I didn't know that it would be such a big deal. At first I was kind of excited to think I would deliver early but then it started to sink in just how dangerous that could be...

I held it all mostly inside, not letting even Mason know my true feelings on everything. To be honest, I didn't even let myself know my true feelings on everything. I didn't want to admit deep down that I could potentially lose this little life that I have created, grown, and carried for the last eight months. He is my son, my child, literally a part of me and I would be absolutely devastated if anything were ever to happen to him. I wouldn't even admit to my Father in Heaven my true feelings. I just caged them in, deep deep down in my heart because down there, they were safe. There was no chance of pain or disappointment because they were already protected and not even made known. Down there, I was not vulnerable. Down there I was strong.

I knew however, that although I was strong and safe down there, I wasn't happy. It wasn't the peaceful and free strong and safe. With my feelings and emotions buried deep, there was fear and doubt. No light or hope could reach me and due to past trials I knew that although it would hurt to tear down these stubborn walls of pride and fear, and put myself out in the open for my husband, myself, and my Heavenly Father to see, that I would be genuinely happier. I would indeed be vulnerable yet that is exactly what is needed in order to find peace. Humility equals peace and pride equals fear.

All that I could muster was to kneel down to my Father in Heaven in prayer begging to help me to have peace concerning His will. To help me find peace in knowing that I am his daughter and He loves me, and that Jack is His son and He knows what is best for him also.

We called over our home teacher to give us Priesthood Blessings, and although the natural man in me wanted to know the outcome, the spiritually refined man in me desired to have peace in The Lord's will, come what may. If the Lord sees fit that this little spirit receive his body for only a short period of time than so be it, if not, and He sees fit that baby Jack stays with our family temporally than so be that too. I just wanted peace. I wanted the fear, worry and doubts of the unknown future to be given to My Savior. It was a burden I no longer wanted to carry.

The blessing was extremely comforting and one thing that I feel impressed to share stood out to me:

- Just as the people of Limhi, the Lord did not take away their burdens, but He did make them light.

Mosiah 24:14

14: And I will also ease the burdens which are put opon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upono your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand a witnessess for me hereafter, and that you may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15: And now itcame to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his bretheren were made light' year, the Lord did strenghten them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

- Do not feel as a burden to those around you, your trails are there for your benefit AND others. They are there to edify and purify you, but also those who choose to serve you. Listen to their advice and council, and you will be strengthened in their testimonies and they in yours.


Having been put on strict bedrest has really made me needy to the help of others. I can't clean, I can't cook, and worst of all, I can't care for my baby Eamonn. That honestly has been the ULTIMATE disappointment for me and the greatest trial so far. I want to be the one who is there for him when he wakes up from his naps, who plays with him and feeds him, who does all of those things that I had taken for granted before. I feel so hurt knowing that he may wonder why his mom isn't with him, and who all of these strange people are... It kills me knowing that he could be scared or afraid or even disappointed in me, all for something beyond my control.

Wednesday night I woke up with severe cramps in my stomach and really bad diarrhea, so I went to Labor and delivery the next morning just to be safe. . They ended up admitting me to the hospital and keeping me there over night due to extreme dehydration. Yet another speed bump. All that I could think of the entire time was, how much is this going to cost us? I just want to be at home with my husband and my baby Eamonn who I haven't seen hardly at all this week....


It was extremely difficult for me to make a schedule for OTHER people to come and care for me and my family. It really is a humbling experience. It just sucks knowing that I can't do it on my own, and if it wasn't for my baby Jack, I probably wouldn't do it. I have people cleaning my house, making me dinner, and taking Eamonn for me all day long. To be honest though, I have learned and come to a point where I no longer feel embarrassed, I just feel gratitude. Eternal gratitude that words cannot express.

On Monday, my neighbor took Eamonn for me in the morning, Amanda (White) came over and helped me clean my house and watched all three of our kids, and my mom brought over dinner for Mason and I. Tuesday, Kaylee again took Eamonn in the morning, Alyssa Bertele randomly showed up on my front porch with cleaning supplies and cooking supplies for dinner, my dad showed up and took Eamonn for me, Kelly Kennard showed up with dinner, and Brandon Doyle showed up with extra dinner that Rachel had made for us. Wednesday morning Kaylee AGAIN took Eamonn for me and Dani came over to watch Eamonn and keep me company, Thursday morning Kaylee AGAIN took Eamonn for me and Loni Daniels came over and got Eamonn, Friday, of course Kaylee again took Eamonn, (And helped me break into my house after getting locked out again), Malia Siufunuah took Eamonn all night, and sweet, kind, amazing sister madsen cleaned my house, made me dinner, shoveled our walks and even trimmed our hedges. 

I truly feel as if my burdens have been made lighter and not even as painful or difficult as they could or should be, due to the love of my Heavenly Father, working through angels in my life. People I don't even know that well have pitched in to help us in our time of need. I feel humbled, I feel grateful, I feel blessed. Dare I say that I am grateful for this trial? Yes. One thousand percent yes. I have seen the Lord's hand so plainly in the last week and I want to witness to all who are reading that the Lord DOES care and that he does work through angels here on earth.

Although I have no idea what the outcome will be, I have faith that the Lord does. I do have moments of fear when I let my mind wander into the possible outcomes, but I am doing the best I can to know that the Lord is watching out for our family. I am grateful for the Angels that he has sent to me in my life. I only hope that I one day too can be as amazing as any one of the many people who have taken their time out of their day to help bear our burdens.

I really think that Alabama knows what they are talking about when they sing the song "Angels among us"... I just thought I'd post a video that I found on youtube for that song.. It's really, really cheesy, but the song is absolutely perfect.

To dance or not to dance. Pole dancing that is...

Sooo, This is probably going to be considered a "risque" topic to some, but I just got home from a pole dancing class with some of my girlfriends and it has really been on my mind. The stigma of it all.... Just to kinda let everyone know what we did, here is what happened:

- We got to a little studio that had a bunch of poles/ariel loop things/ribbon things. We used the poles because we are not hard core enough for the ariel loops and ribbons. Maybe one day after I've changed my name to ginger and live in Vegas I'll look into those other things.. ;)
- We all stripped down into tank tops and little booty shorts/spandex/dance pants/etc. (Pretty much what you where to the gym.)
- We learned a few basic moves...

- Laughed our heads off as we all tried to do them... It was kinda scary at first, but because we were all willing to just go for it and have fun, we did! Even I did surprisingly well, weighing 25 more pounds than before and with a baby in tow...
- It REALLY was a work out. It amazes me just how much pole dancing is actually pretty artful! (Watch the video I posted too!) It worked A LOT of muscles I didn't even know I had, and I'm pretty sure I'll be feeling it tomorrow.
- After, we learned a lap dance/tease. We had SO much fun. I guess that's something that is also a stigma. Sometimes women (especially LDS women) feel that this is not appropriate. I feel however that it is! It is fun, my husband and I both have talked it over and feel completely comfortable with the idea of it, and he is especially excited for me to get home and show him just what I've learned! lol
FYI in the studio, no men are allowed even to watch. It is all women, and we just did a private party. We all pitched in 10$ and had fun. We even snapped a few pictures of us trying to be sexy. I might have to ask permission before posting those first.. lol

I do believe "To each her own" when it comes to sex and intimacy. If someone is not comfortable with pole dancing, lap dancing, etc. they don't have to! But keep an open mind to those who find it fun as they should to you also! The LDS church stays out of the bedroom because it is the discretion of husband and wife together to choose what they do behind closed doors.

I used to really struggle with even speaking about sex without feeling guilty or dirty. The truth is, (and I am still learning this..) that it really, truly is a beautiful sacred thing! It's actually a fun thing too! It's enjoyable! It's romantic! It's a bonding experience between husband and wife! It's really awesome!

This class has been such a fun experience, and to be honest, I believe the Lord has placed the friends he has in my path for a great purpose. I am learning so much and having so much fun! It was so nice to look at myself in the huge old mirrors and still feel completely confident and sexy about my pregnant, curvy, stretched out, body! This class really helped boost that a lot. So does having good friends who love you the way you are, and especially a supportive husband who thinks that you are the hottest thing to have ever walked the planet. ;) I wish we as women could all feel confident in ourselves, love ourselves the way we are, feel beautiful, sexy and feminine in our own skin, and most importantly, know who we are as daughters of God. Know that we have a purpose, that we are important, that we play a crucial role in the plan of God and in the lives of those who we become accquainted with on a daily basis.


I kinda want to leave with a quote by President monson, and a link to the talk he gave in the General Relief Society Broadcast this last October:

This all kind of connects in a be confident in who you are kind of thing.. I don't know, I guess it is almost 4 am and I am trying to write this, so if it is scattered... don't judge. ;) 

Here is the quote from President Monson that really and truly helped me and still helps me to love myself the way I am...Even As Chubby and stretched as I am! I really hope that all those who read it can get something out of this, (whether it be pole dancing is fun or to feel good about the skin you are in..) and know how beautiful you really are... Here is the quote:

"Appearances can be so deceiving, such a poor measure of a person. Admonished the Savior, “Judge not according to the appearance.”⁴     UAdd a Note 

A member of a women’s organization once complained when a certain woman was selected to represent the organization. She had never met the woman, but she had seen a photograph of her and didn’t like what she saw, considering her to be overweight. She commented, “Of the thousands of women in this organization, surely a better representative could have been chosen.”     UAdd a Note 

True, the woman who was chosen was not “model slim.” But those who knew her and knew her qualities saw in her far more than was reflected in the photograph. The photograph did show that she had a friendly smile and a look of confidence. What the photograph didn’t show was that she was a loyal and compassionate friend, a woman of intelligence who loved the Lord and who loved and served His children. It didn’t show that she volunteered in the community and was a considerate and concerned neighbor. In short, the photograph did not reflect who she really was.     UAdd a Note 

I ask: if attitudes, deeds, and spiritual inclinations were reflected in physical features, would the countenance of the woman who complained be as lovely as that of the woman she criticized?

"http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/charity-never-faileth?lang=eng

Anyways, I need to go to bed. I am going to be a GROUCH in the morning. Good night all! P.S. here is a link to the pole dancing place we went to. If you are interested message me or something! We all wanted to go again! P.S. WATCH THE VIDEO I POSTED BELOW!! IT"S SOOO AWESOME!

http://www.dancesaltlake.com/

Pole Dancing.... Not always what you think it's going to be....

Xbox is of the devil, and I need a hobby.

So pretty much I'm typing into the standard "notepad" application that every computer comes with, but no one uses. We are too cheap to Microsoft word,
and I am too bugged to sit and figure out why the heck the stupid internet isn't working. Mason just left for school in the car, (our only car at the time)
 With my regular laptop. If anything gets left in there during the day, say farewell cause you won't be seeing it. I am so bugged right now. If you are starting to see a pattern on my blog it's because I only write when I am a basket case, or mad. And I am the mad part of that right now.
I am going to rant on X-boxes.

Why were those EVER created? I would like to know, what is SO enticing about mindlessly shooting someone, or pretending to be an NFL athlete and make plays for 4 hours straight? I mean REALLY?! I don't know how someone could feel fine about sitting and wasting their time and their brain cells on those loads of crap.

Mason wants to go to a "guys night" on Friday night. He pretty much wants to go play x-box until 7 am in the morning, pretending that there is no care in the world.What will I be doing? Probably the same things I do every normal weekday, taking care of Eamonn and lounging around the house waiting for Mason to come home.
 
I think I am the kind of Naggy wife who won't let her husband play xbox. I am one of THOSE wives. I bet Mace never thought I'd be when we were dating..
Oh well, he tricked me into a lot of things too, so I guess we're even.
But seriously.
Mace says that it is MY fault that I won't have anything to do because I don't have any hobbies. I tried to make an excuse for everything, blaming him for
being a mindless drone (which he is) but when I got to thinking about it, it IS true. I have no hobbies, no life. My life revolves around 2 things... work, and family. Mason asks why I don't like sewing, or scrapbooking. I'll tell you.. it's effing boring.
I'm not talented in that kind of crap. Everyone else may be, but I'm not. Ugh. So really, I need a hobby. I play the piano, and teach piano lessons,
but when Friday night rolls around and Mason wants to go to "Guys night"
I'm definitely not going to be playing piano for twelve hours. I teach piano lessons, and that is ok... but like I said, I'm not going to go do that until 7 am. It's fun, but it's not mindless fun.
Ugh. I am just pissed. I'm pissed too because I make $40 a month off piano lessons and guess where that goes? Bills. Yup. Bills. I would like to have my own money and tell Mason he can figure out where to get the stupid money for his precious, mindless phone and internet plan. See!? Another thing that he loves! What the hell!?


I guess it just bugs too that all of my friends have talent. Amanda has started a blog and is selling all of her sewing stuff on there, Chels just got her BACHELORES and is amazing at decorating even the simplest and homliest of places. My single friends are single, so they are hitting on guys and trying to get married. (Don't do it, it's boring. Unless you have talent, then I hear it's pretty cool...)
It's just like really? You bug that you are so ambitious and out there doing junk! Madi for hells sake just ran 60 mile marathon for breast cancer. I wish I was that cool! But what?! What can I do?! I feel almost.. what's the word? unworthy? no.. um, insecure. There we go, insecure. I feel like everything that could be cool I'm just not good at, someone is better, and honestly, after 12 minutes just gets boring.

I would like to cook, I do like to cook, let me rephrase, bake. Not cook, bake. I like to make sugary snacks, not the other junk. The other junk is a chore. But why is it that women like lame stuff like COOKING, SEWING, SCRAPBOOKING, etc? Psh. Lame. I wish I liked Xbox. I wish I could mindlessly drown my sorrows in make believe fantacies..

 Like I said. Jealousy that Mason has that. I guess I could watch the hills for 8 hours straight? ha.
Maybe I will try alcohol. I would be able to get a way mentally and with a spritz of lime, I hear it aint to bad on the taste buds.. haha (totally kdding. I would probably do marijuana anyways.) ;)

I am however grateful to have a job. I really really really REALLY enjoy being able to work. That to me is such a blessing and I feel so challenged mentally. I did do school for a little while, but it just isn't in the cards for me.Maybe taking lessons of some sort?
But what?
And what can we afford?
I do see a therapist.. does that count?
Maybe sewing lessons at Joann's or something?
I'm jealous cause amanda has a gold's gym pass and goes and does raquetball and stuff over there..
Too bad poor people are lame.
Maybe I could play with some sticks. those are free. (pity me please. lol)
Good news though, Amanda AND madi are moving to Provo, so things might be easier to do together.
I need response to this post. I need Ideas, I need motivation.

Ex. One time, I saw cake pops, came up with the amazing idea of making them and selling them. Then I tried to make them. THey turned out all right, but were a pain to make. Then I decided, that was dumb.

Maybe I just lack ambition. Everything in life isn't fun right? But isn't that what a hobby is? fun?

I just looked back at Eamonn who was chattering away to himself, only to see that he has ripped off the arm of my snowman decoration and is doing who knows what with it. Ah well. I guess that's why I bought a plush snowman for 90% off, and that is also why there are hot glue guns.

Anyways. Please comment, give me some ideas and don't judge me!

Things I like to do:
- bargain shop
- bake
- be social
- eventually I would like to exercise.. lol that's pushing it though... I think with friends it might be easier...
- eating (completely contradictory to my previous brain storm idea)
- reading maybe?
- who the heck knows.
- sing (mediochre-lly)

love,
Laur